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Old 04-20-2010, 09:44 PM
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ksandra ksandra is offline
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Default Situational Conundrum

I have a small situational conundrum and I was wondeirng what people have done/would do in the same spot.

My primary, T is still very new to polyamory but he has taken leaps and bounds in being accepting of it and I am appreciative of it every day. His biggest concern with it is being excluded and someone else getting more time, attention and love than him, which I understand and it is something that makes me nervous as well. There is another man in the situation who I have just begun seeing and who says he is alright with the fact that I have a primary relationships though has admitted to having been jealous in the past though since this is still very new I'm not sure how bad and far in the past. Let's call him J.

On Saturday J is having a party to which I am invited and I would love to go. However, he and I have been spending a lot of time together and T has voiced his concern once already and I want to honour this since I know he would do the same for me. But I do really want to go to this party.

Another part to this is the fact that J and his roommate host a monthly bookclub (how we met) and T has been wonderful in letting me go to this bookclub on my own so that I have a chance to meet people outside of our main social circle. This month's bookclub is the night after the party. The final thing is that J called and asked if we could spend a day together the week following the bookclub and party, which I'm thrilled about.

But as I mentioned before T is getting concerned about how much time J and I are spending together and I haven't brought up the day J has asked for, also I know T would really like to go to this party since he would like to get to know J more but since things are still new between J and I I'm not sure how J would feel about it and I don't know if I am going to have time to talk with him about it. So...should I invite T to the party? What would be the best course of action in this situation? Am I being clear?

Thanks,

-ksandra
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Old 04-20-2010, 11:41 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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The best course of action would be to call J and ask if it's ok to invite T. If yes-invite him. If no-then politely decline on the grounds that you have plans with T that night and you'd love to bring him along-but don't want to make anyone uncomfortable "maybe next time".

IMHO
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Old 04-21-2010, 01:45 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ksandra View Post
My primary, T is still very new to polyamory but he has taken leaps and bounds in being accepting of it and I am appreciative of it every day. His biggest concern with it is being excluded and someone else getting more time, attention and love than him, which I understand and it is something that makes me nervous as well.
Hi Ksandra,

Well, one of the first things we (wish) we learned in kindergarden about "sharing" is that it's NOT a competition. We talk about that here a lot as well as other places.

Love & affection are not about whether someone is getting more or less than someone else. The society we live in drives "competition" as a GOOD thing and makes no distinction where it fits or doesn't fit. If we don't get our "more" there's something wrong with us !

You can choose to buy into that programming or not.

There's getting "more" - or getting what we need.

Two totally different outlooks on life. Applys not just to love & affection

But you have to be brutally honest with YOURSELF in this process ! Is what you say/believe as what you "need" - really a need - or just a compulsion to acquire. The less we "need" the easier to fulfill those needs. The happier and more content we become.

Be clear. Be happy.

GS
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Old 04-21-2010, 08:50 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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GS-
Great point! I copied it to Maca and GG!
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Old 04-21-2010, 10:50 PM
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ksandra ksandra is offline
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Thanks for the replies and the idea of more vs. sufficient is something we are working on but since we're very new to this we are trying to take small steps and explore comfort levels bit by bit. So for the moment we are giving each other priority in our lives and I am okay with that. But I will pass what you wrote on it's been sitting with me all day
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Old 04-22-2010, 01:08 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ksandra View Post
What would be the best course of action in this situation? Am I being clear?
As I see it, in any given relationship, there are three components that you have to actively care for at all times: first, yourself, second, the other person, and third, the relationship itself.

In this instance, I would offer that you're neglecting the third--the relationship with T. T may be getting enough time with you that his needs are met. He's also indicated that he feels your relationship is threatened because of the time you're spending with J. Your choice appears to be one of either spending more time with J to the detriment of your relationship with T or spend less time in the immediate future with J to take care of the relationship with T.

Keep in mind that you'll likely be able to spend more time with J in the future without it possibly harming your relationship with T, simply due to the security that comes from time spent without bad things happening. The conditions that prevail currently will change, so what you have to do to take care of a relationship now will be different in the future.
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Old 04-22-2010, 01:13 AM
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All of my male lovers (I have 4 currently) know one another and like one another. It takes away so much drama to just spend time with them together and let them form their own relationship/friendship. The unknown is always more powerful and can create all kinds of imagery etc. The actual is so much easier to deal with. Each of my lovers realizes that my other lovers are just regular human beings after all.
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Old 04-23-2010, 12:17 PM
biglover biglover is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
In this instance, I would offer that you're neglecting the third--the relationship with T.
Keep in mind that you'll likely be able to spend more time with J in the future without it possibly harming your relationship with T, simply due to the security that comes from time spent without bad things happening.

I agree with this. If you can spend time with T without bad things happening or coming up, it should make his trust in you a lot stronger and thus would be easier for you get what you want from J without having as much to deal with from T because he won't feel as neglected.

Just a thought.

BL
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Old 04-24-2010, 03:44 PM
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ksandra ksandra is offline
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Thanks for the advice everyone. T did not end up coming to J's party and it was a bit of a rough night but there are a lot of things that were posted that I am going to try to keep in mind for future reference.
K
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