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Old 07-25-2012, 10:48 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Default Smelling the flowers

I guess I should start with a list of characters. I'll start with the two principal players, my fiance and me, as I don't expect either one of us to be cut from the script.

Twitch: my fiance. 40 year old male. IT Security Auditor. Bald, lean, metrosexual with some of the coolest shoes ever owned by a white boy.

Me: 47 years old. Computer programmer. Mother of three. Grandmother of one. Fit, but curvy, brunette.

Shasti: 39 female. Twitch's gf. She is also involved with Orville [Wright] (teehee, he's a pilot among other things, so I couldn't resist.)

Piper: 43 male. Graphic Designer. My interest. It's too new to put a title on anything yet. But there is a lot of potential for something.

Backstory: Twitch and I have been together for 13.5 years, engaged for 1 year, our wedding is slated for 10.2012. First twelve years of our life together were ho-hum, but the past 20 months have been an adventure as we've redefined our relationship; first by introducing BDSM and more recently by opening up our relationship to polyamory.

We were first exposed to polyamory and other forms of non-monogamy via the kink community. Our first explorations into consensual nonmongamy were two foursomes with two couples on two separate occassions. From there the idea of becoming polyamorous took root.

NOTE: Shasti and Orville were one of the couples we had a foursome with.

Of the two of us, I was more interested in poly than Twitch was for several reasons:
1.) He didn't see how he'd ever be able to fit another relationship into his life, because his job takes him away from home 3 to 4 nights per week and weekends were filled with household chores and doing things with me.
2.) The guy is so damn loyal, bless his heart.

I, on the otherhand, have the time to pursue outside relationships because of his job. Plus, this fall we'll be empty nesters and I'll have even more time to fill.

One of the biggest draws for me was that I was not ready to be married again. I was so scared that as soon as the ring was on my finger I'd be looking for the nearest exit. I hoped that by having the option to create outside relationships that I could stay in the one I was already in. Perhaps that's a bit messed up, but having been divorced once before and being practical about the low success rate of marriages and the high incident rate of cheating my logic made sense to me.

Twitch and I established rules and guidelines: background checks, safe calls for first meetings, safer sex practices, STD/STI testing, no sex in our bed, etc.

Man, it's hard to go back and fill in the details. Let's see, on Mother's Day Twitch drove to Shasti's city - it's a big windy one - for an overnight visit. Shasti is a pediatrician and she has Monday's off. I was a bit perturbed that he had no qualms about taking off on Mother's Day, but truth be told he doesn't really do a damn thing for me on that day anyhow. We had taken my youngest son out for breakfast and he had scattered as young adults do, so the day was pretty much free.

I felt so left out. I like Shasti. We kissed and did a wee bit of sapphic loving that one time. My time home alone while he was with her lasted forever! I just wanted to be with them. I have this party girl personality; I want to be included in everything. I was the kid who always rode along to the grocery store. Pathetic, I know. Good news is that I survived!

I was so jazzed to hear about his experiences and a bit surprised by the angst he shared as we worked on the yard the following weekend. It was like having a view of what he must have gone through when we hooked up years ago. Poor boy. I loved hearing how he was processing things and I was amazed with how open he was with me about his feelings. It was such an odd feeling to be hoping so much that she liked him. Kind of protective like a mother bear feeling.

Meanwhile, I was having to learn to not be secretive when corresponding or having OKC open. Old habits die hard. I knew I was allowed, but it still felt like something that should be done covertly. And even now I still don't care to have him walk up and read over my shoulder. At that point in time he was having a hard time thinking of me dating others. He was so critical of everyone's profile and didn't trust anyone an inch. He had no faith in my judgement whatsoever. Arg. Yeah, you could see the green from across the room.

The first guy I started seeing was way too young for me. Let's call him the BoyToy. I had originally blown the BoyToy off on OKC, even though we had super high percentages on match and friend. He caught me on IM and made me feel guilty that I was dissing him strictly over age, so I caved and met him. We clicked. We saw each other for about 5-6 weeks, but in the end the age difference was just too much and he ended it, much to my relief. LOL.

The first weeks were so hard knowing what to share with Twitch, what would be too much, and what was too little. I wanted to be able to share like he had with me, but I wasn't used to operating like that and also he wasn't ready. Not knowing was killing him and knowing was also killing him. Gak. Touchy times.

So, let's fast forward through some of this stuff. Twitch has seen Shasti once a month since May. Let's count them; that's three overnight stays. Not hard math, but I didn't want to tax anyone.

On my end, I have had seen Piper twice. Our first date lasted four hours. Piper said that he broke one of his cardinal rules for first dates which is they only are allowed 1 - 1.5 hours of time. The conversation flowed and the night ended with a very sweet kiss. Our second date was not really a date-date. Piper has recently bought a condo and is in the middle of ripping the entire thing apart. Our date basically consisted of me taking the tour and then we went to the rooftop garden and enjoyed the view and talked for the next couple of hours. I don't expect to get a lot of Piper's time between now and when he has to be out of his apartment and into the condo on August 11th. That kind of blows because Twitch was gone for training last week, this week he's in D.C. for a tech committe he's on, and next week he's gone the whole week for work. So much time alone.

So, there you have it. Or at least a high level view of us. I'll reveal our flaws in the next installment.
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Old 07-27-2012, 09:06 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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We're into kink. We attended a 3 day event last weekend, Friday to Sunday. I was excited to get to see Twitch because he'd been gone since Monday and had spent the night before with Shasti on his return trip from training down south.

As soon as we had a moment to ourselves he swore me to secrecy (I don't think any of the involved are on this site) and said he had something to tell me, but that Shasti hadn't spoken to Orville yet (Orville was at the same event as us) so mum was the word.

Shasti told him that she wanted to have a baby and that she was checking into in vitro fertilization and adoption. What she wanted to know was if she was pregnant or had a baby if he'd still date her. She didn't want an answer right away. She wanted him to think about it.

(Shasti is a pediatrician.)

One of the things Twitch has been trying to avoid in new relationships is children. He's been through thick and thin helping raise my three kids. He has no romantic allusions, but instead has a background of raising children while not being their father, dealing with the father, and all that goes with raising kids. My youngest leaves for college this Fall. He can see daylight. He can smell the sweet air of freedom. It's right there.....

I could almost hear the sound of a needle screeching across vinyl in his head as the music ended.

I was the one who helped him to see that this could be an opportunity for him. How different this would be than his experience helping to raise my children, because this baby wouldn't have a daddy and there wouldn't be an ex to deal with. That if he wanted and Shasti wanted, he could step into that role.

We discussed our wedding. (things have changed so much in the past year - I never felt like we needed to do this to be committed to each other. Recently he's started feeling the same way.) Should we legally go through with it, or just have a wedding and not file the paperwork, that we didn't think that at this point we could cancel it as relatives have bought plane tickets and we'd have a heck of a time telling them that we weren't going to get married, but we were going to stay together. We tossed about the idea that if we didn't legally marry that we could do so at a courthouse down the road and no one would be the wiser. We discussed an exit strategy should things end - how the debt would be divided and taken care of. He was concerned that without us being married that if something happened to him, I'd get his life insurance, but not his pension, so that was something to consider.

We discussed how his next career move will be to take certification testing and move up to the Federal level and that he'd like to try for a position that is opening up in our region and is based out of [Big City]. I expressed that I didn't think I'd like [Big City] as well as [Mid-sized City], but he assured me that there is a nice neighborhood close by where Shasti lives that he thinks I'd like, and that it's likely that I wouldn't have to work (he knows how to woo me.)

We talked about so many things. I felt safe being able to voice things to him. He was surprising me with his depth of understanding of what it would mean to say to Shasti that he'd continue to date her through a pregnancy, how this would change things. I was also touched by how focused he was that I was okay with all of this and that this was our decision. It was a new level.

On the way home things started to unravel for me. We had separate vehicles and he was behind me. When we got home he said he was surprised I hadn't passed a slow car ahead of me. I said that by the time I realized I had missed an opportunity to get around them that it was gone. I had been lost in thought at the time. He joked and asked if I was thinking of him, and yes, yes, I was. I let him know that for some reason I was really sad and feeling threatened and that I didn't get it. He wanted to know what was bothering me, what thoughts were tumbling around. I didn't want to share because I knew that it was no doubt due to being overtired (we had stayed up almost all night talking) and I was just having a pity party. But he persisted. Then he talked me into a 9 mile bike ride. That was a good idea. The exercise helped a lot. We talked some while riding and more that night. But mostly it was me being a big baby.

Monday he was off to D.C. He was very concerned with how I was doing emotionally. I was feeling sad, threatened, and perplexed. Just thinking about him and Shasti was painful. I had lost my compersion. I didn't think I was really feeling jealousy, though.

His plan was to write Shasti a letter with his response while he was in airports on his way to D.C. And then, he figured they'd talk later in the day once he got there. She has Monday's off, so it was good timing to do so. He called me that night to tell me how things went. I was so frustrated. They talked for nearly two hours and the first 30 minutes or more was about MTKF and him getting waxed, the next 30 minutes were about her family visiting, and then they finally got to the heart of it. Basically, she just wanted to know if he'd date her if she was pregnant. Nothing more at this time. But, they really didn't delve into things like I had hoped. They skirted things.

They did discuss her issue with knowing how to explain him to her family. She has no issue telilng her friends that her boyfriend is engaged and soon to be married, but it'll be harder to tell her family and she has to decide if she can do it, because if she can't then she can't continue to see him as she's not comfortable telling half truths to them. Her sister lives close by and they are best friends. Her parents are 4 hours away. Her family is very close and she sees her cousins often. They are all very highly educated and successful. Both of her parents are doctors, her sister is a securities trader, the cousin that came to visit over the 4th is a doctor, her husband is a doctor. Oy! And their culture probably plays into this, too. Part of this discussion was would he tell his family about her or not. He said yes he planned to tell them, but he didn't want to tell them before our wedding. He was thinking November or December.

I listened and prompted him to tell me everything but it was hard. I was hurting inside. I needed to know this stuff, but it was painful. And I kept thinking how it was me that pushed us down this path, that I am the one who feels I need this.

In the early Tuesday morning hours a huge storm broke. The early morning storm woke me and my own internal storm broke loose. I sent an email off to Twitch and waited to hear from him.
I'm not okay.

I'm not okay with you telling your family a month or two after our WEDDING.

I'm not okay with having you gone half the time.

I'm not okay with being so alone.

I'm not okay with you falling in love so quickly. I had hoped we'd be paced the same.

I'm not okay with our vision of moving to [Mid-sized City] shifting to moving to[Big City].

I'm not okay with you going on vacation without me.

I'm not okay.

I'm broken.

I don't really understand why I'm not okay. I was okay with most of this, but something shifted and I can't really identify what exactly changed, but right now, I'm not okay. I'm ready to blow $400 and fly out to D.C. to be with you. How needy and pathetic is that? I just want to cling to you and cry.
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Old 07-27-2012, 09:07 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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He emailed me back.
We dont have to tell my family til WERE ready.

I have not been gone half the time and probably never will be. I will always have more time for you then anyone. I will make sure of that.

I dont know if I am falling in love or not with Shasti. I am in love with you.

I had just thought about [Big City] because of the job and if i had to do a lot of work in [that state] I wouldnt be away from you as much but i would be happy just to stay and live in [mid-sized city]. Hon I have taken my test yet and there isn't ajob opening. Nothing to fear

As far as I know I have no vacation planned without you or with anyone else. If you have heard different from someone please let me know. Lol

Call me tonight and we can talk. I love you Baby and I always will. Your my one constant in my life that is always there for me and I would not ever give that up. I miss you to and I do understand what you are feeling. I am not replacing you, I am not leaving you. I love you
He called me and we talked and I started to be able to finally identify what I found so threatening. I think it may be easier to just share what I wrote to him rather than try to write it all out again.
I think that what is threatening to me is that I think it's likely that down the road you are going to feel torn between the two of us. That you'll want to spend more time with them, but guilt and obligation will keep you with me instead. I never felt that you loving someone else might take away from what you feel for me until this scenario presented itself. I had projected the possibility that sometime down the road that you may start a family with someone, so this situation wasn't quite the same, but similar. The difference is that I thought it would be in the future when we were more experienced in polyamory and not just starting out.

I will always be there for you. I'm glad you understand that. And I know you'll always be there for me. I just hope that emotionally you are going to stay connected. I guess that's what everyone hopes for in a relationship regardless of whether they identify as polyamorous or monogamous. It's good that we are also building the skill set to ensure that we can keep our connection alive. I feel closer to you than ever before, but I also feel more vulnerable because I love you more than ever before, too. I feel like for the first time in my life I am "all in". Maybe that's it. I fell even more in love with you this weekend and now I realize that I have everything to loose if we loose our connection. I want to say to you, "Pick me. Love me best," but I also don't want to tell you that, because I don't want to limit your heart. I want you to love to capacity. And selfishly, I want the same things for myself.

You've done nothing wrong, love. In fact, you've done so many, many things right. And that has made me love you even more and is scaring the shit out of me because now I am all in. Finally all in.

I'm sorry it took me 13 years to get here. I always thought following my first marriage that I was broken. A barrier was up that was immovable. I felt like I wasn't capable of trusting someone with all of me or that they would look out for my kids like a parent should, so I kept the wall. I didn't know how to not have the wall.

It's odd to feel like we're on new ground after so many years of history together, but for me it's all new, all overwhelming and raw. And wonderful. Scary and beautiful. Vulnerable.

I guess I had to make myself vulnerable in order to gain all of this. So much risk, so much love.
And later that morning I realized that my insecurities were receding, so I sent him this:
I'm okay. I needed that to reach this place. I am okay. My insecurities are retreating. I'm in love. I need to be vulnerable to be fully in love. The risk is worth it. I am laying my heart in your hands and I trust that you'll take care of it. It doesn't mean that you have to love only me. Your feelings for me are not diminished because of loving others. Love is not like a pie and if you give someone a piece then you have less pie. Capacity to love is infinite and feeling good and loving begets more love. Time on the other hand is finite. It's valuable and we need to make our moments count. That does not mean avoiding the unpleasant, rather maintaining the connection. We could be doing almost any kind of activity and as long as we feel connected, then that's time appreciated and used wisely.
Another truth poked it's way through my subconscious that I didn't have the faith that Twitch has the capacity to do polyamory before then. Deep down I was worried that he was monogamous at heart and that he'd abandon one relationship for another rather than build multiple relationships simultaneously. Last weekend and since he demonstrated to me that he does get the concept and is quite capable of doing polyamory in a very ethical way. He's the one teaching me. It's a relief for me that I can relax into that and not feel like he won't have my back or that he won't always be there for me. He surprised me this weekend by saying that he hopes that Piper and I hit it off and even more than that, he's coming to realize that he may have to give up some time with me so that I can build a tertiary relationship (e.g. weekend time.)

It was still a rough week after that. I saw my therapist at noon on Tuesday and told her all of this. She was happy for me and said for the first time she felt she was seeing me a a bride. And you know what, now I want to get married. Good thing seeing as it's less than 3 months away.

I'm still having a hard time not letting jealousy overcome me when I think of Twitch with Shasti. I want my compersion back. I don't think either one of them has the experience to know what an emotional journey a pregnancy can be. I can see where they could really bond and fall in love and that baby and her will become very important to him.

I had a super lonely week, but on Wednesday I a friend over for a girls' night of gabbing and just company. By Thursday I was starting to get my equilibirum back. I can't wait for him to get home. I need reassurance and time with him. I'm still feeling twinges in my heart.
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Old 07-27-2012, 09:10 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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I think I'm finding the whole baby/Shasti thing threatening because I don't think they have a clue how emotional this is going to be. That they'll be in this little cocoon of love and wonder that won't have a place for me.

Everything in my life from the reason I got a divorce, to why I moved 200 miles away from my family, to why I am with Twitch (original reasons), has to do with being a parent and having to look out for them and provide them stability and a future. In my world, that's been the most motivating factor to every major decision I've made for the past 27 years.

So, now I am feeling threatened and insecure about my place for the long run with Twitch. I don't want to be the one shut out of this wonder that is about to take place, but how can I be part of it? There is no role for me to fit into that. And I really don't have a right to intrude into Shasti's world. This is her time, her baby. Twitch may never get to be as involved as I am worrying about. Their relationship may never reach that richness that would elevate him to such a status within her family unit.

My fears cause me to flirt with the idea of asking him to walk away from the whole situation, but I can't do that to him, to us, to Shasti. They have found in each other someone that they like and enjoy spending time with. That isn't such an easy thing to find. I don't even want to ask that of him really. It's just my insecurity speaking.

I am going to have to fall back on his word and give him the benefit of the doubt. I need to trust in his love for me. On my end I'm going to make sure to keep our connection strong, so that our relationship isn't weakened. Attentive and engaged will be my new mantra.
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Old 07-30-2012, 07:44 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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My feelings about getting married have radically changed. Ten days ago I was so relieved when we played with the idea of having a ceremony, but not filing the paperwork, to now wanting it all to be legal.

Security has been a huge motivator in most of my decisions in life, so now I'm wondering if this urge is because I find Twitch's budding relationship threatening.

When I talk to Twitch about wanting to get married for real and not just a pretend ceremony, he's very noncommittal and says that the reasons to get married just aren't what they once were, so he's fine either way; as being married does not guarantee that you'll be together forever.

I worry that he's feels that we have to go forward with the wedding, but doesn't feel like actually getting married. I only have myself to blame. I promoted this feeling. It's not fair to expect him to toss it off as soon as my feelings change and I start embracing the idea of matrimony.

I need to talk to him more. I need to know if he still believes in the symbolism of standing before family and friends and declaring our commitment to one another. Does he feel that commitment?

To me getting married says that we have picked each other as our primaries and that we put our relationship above all others.

He's going to see Shasti on the 12/13th and I'm fighting down twinges of pain over the thought. I need my compersion back.
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Old 08-01-2012, 09:10 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Twitch and I talked by phone Monday night. I wanted to convey to him that I really want an actual legal marriage to him. My thinking was, if I don't say it outright, then how is he suppose to swing his thinking around from the path I had taken him down a few short weeks ago? I'm asking a lot of him it seems all the time lately. Our lives have been changing so radically.

It's painful to hear him say that a year ago when we became engaged he was very excited about getting married and our wedding, but now he's not very excited at all. I know it's because I've taken the shine off of it for him. I'm hoping that I can put some of it back. It's going to take time, though, and that's one thing we don't have a lot of. Our wedding is mid-October. I could just kick myself for causing him this pain.

What I really needed to hear was that he loves me. He's really making a huge effort to make contact with me on a daily basis now and give me words of affirmation. I love him so much for how hard he is working to make us work and to show me love in the way that I need it when I need it. He's wonderful. Really wonderful.

I'm feeling much less committed to polyamory as a relationship style now, too. We discussed this and we're not going to change anything right now, as it's likely that later this fall when the house is empty I'm going to start feeling the pull towards it again. He's so leery of advancing his relationship with Shasti, because he's scared I'm going to pull it away from him. I would never do that to him, but it's his fear and it's a valid one.

So, we continue forward. I'm meeting a new guy early next week. We've been talking a lot and I really like him. He's not sure if he'll be able to enter into relationship as a secondary, though. He's trying to wrap his mind around the concepts. I should find a name for him on here.

Is that the right term for what others will be in our lives if we set up our relationship as primary, meaning that we are each others base/anchor/core? I don't want anyone to feel that they are less, because of a title or designation. I guess that this is something we'll sort out as things develop and we know how much time and energy we can give to others and still keep our balance.
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Old 12-14-2012, 02:11 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I just now took the time to read through your blog. It was like a short story with a happy ending -- like, obviously this isn't the "ending", anything could happen yet, but it was so suspenseful! It went from awww, how nice, they're starting off their poly life and it sounds lovely to oh no, will they be ok??? to yay, things are working out!! Heh, so, thanks for the ride, and I'm very happy that it all is going well now.

I know this was a concern from a while back, and maybe you're past it now, but I did wanna say -- there doesn't necessarily need to be no place for you in the life of Shasti's baby, if she does indeed have a baby. You could be a sort of Aunt, if Shasti was ok with the idea of you being another loving adult in the child's life. A less intense role than the potential role of surrogate-dad, certainly, but still someone in the circle, someone who matters. Just throwing it out there!
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Old 12-14-2012, 05:43 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
I just now took the time to read through your blog. It was like a short story with a happy ending -- like, obviously this isn't the "ending", anything could happen yet, but it was so suspenseful! It went from awww, how nice, they're starting off their poly life and it sounds lovely to oh no, will they be ok??? to yay, things are working out!! Heh, so, thanks for the ride, and I'm very happy that it all is going well now.

I know this was a concern from a while back, and maybe you're past it now, but I did wanna say -- there doesn't necessarily need to be no place for you in the life of Shasti's baby, if she does indeed have a baby. You could be a sort of Aunt, if Shasti was ok with the idea of you being another loving adult in the child's life. A less intense role than the potential role of surrogate-dad, certainly, but still someone in the circle, someone who matters. Just throwing it out there!
AnnabelMore, I'm glad you enjoyed the ride. I really feel like I'm on a journey. Life seem more stable now and I'm relieved. We're still working through things as they present themselves, but I think that's to be expected.

Right now the whole topic of Shasti having a baby has kind of gone dormant. I expect that's just my perspective, though. I have a feeling that Shasti is proceeding with her plans whichever direction they may go. We visited her in late September and I expressed my concerns. Shortly after our wedding she had a discussion with Twitch about wanting to keep their relationship at the depth that it is now. I think there were two influences behind that: one, our wedding - he's now a married man and this is something she's struggled with as far as how her family would deal with it, and two, my concerns that I shared with her during our visit. I feel kind of bad for Twitch, but I'm really relieved, and that makes me feel guilty. Such a selfish thing on my part. I'm getting better about his relationship with her, though. He's been doing a lot of weeknight visits to see her when he's working within a commutable distance. I told him last week that I'm ready to give him back his weekend visits. I know that sounds terribly controlling, but I really didn't think I'd literally make it through a weekend with him gone to see her. That's a terrible emotional spot to be at. So, in contrast to that, being okay with him going away for the weekend is huge.

Tomorrow we're going to Shasti's big birthday bash that she and a friend are having. We're leaving early and spending the day in Chicago doing things before heading over to her house. This will be the first time Twitch has met her sister and other family members. He will not be there as her date, though. Orville will be filling that role. I feel for Twitch. He's been hurt that she has not introduced him to her sister or any of her friends. To his way of thinking it's not like she has to announce that he's her polyamorous, married boyfriend - he can just be a boyfriend. He'd like to be included in real life activities with her. But now he'll be introduced as a friend and his wife which will mean that they can never do the boyfriend/girlfriend thing with her friends unless she outs herself.

Shasti's b-day is Monday. Twitch's is Tuesday. He's one year older than her. I'm six years older than him.

On another note that only people on here may understand, Orville contacted me yesterday about doing lunch today. I can't because I have therapy. I think he was trying to pregame the weekend; make sure I was in a good head space and all that. He's done that before when I've shared with him my struggles. In a way I appreciate it, but on the other hand it's kind of annoying that the only time I hear from him is when he thinks he needs to do damage control. I'm sure he had take-out in mind with a quickie to follow-up. Nothing like reinforcing the idea that consensual nonmonogamy is fun.
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Old 12-14-2012, 09:42 PM
Petunia Petunia is offline
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I had a therapy session today and one of the things I spoke to her about was giving Twitch back weekends with Shasti. I was struggling with how it came across as being a control thing, like I was granting him this. She agreed and suggested rather than state it like that, it may have been better to say something along the lines of "I feeling a lot more stable and able to handle things, so let's do a weekend trial run of you visiting Shasti." Benefits would be that it won't make me feel like I have no recourse if things become less stable for me. Plus it'll be done in the spirit of a test, so that Twitch understands, too, that I'm trying, but I can't guarantee anything. A test with a safety net.

I want to give this back to him. I want us to succeed. I don't enjoy feeling insecure. I do not like holding him back. I don't want to be the all powerful gatekeeper either.
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Old 12-14-2012, 10:05 PM
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Another way to think of it -- you let him know how you're doing, he decides what to do with that information. That's true whether you choose to phrase things in terms of rules, boundaries, guidelines, agreements, needs, or none of the above, because in the end your partner always retains free agency. So, you can say to him -- "I wanted to let you know that I think I am in a place emotionally where I'd be ok with you spending weekend time with Shasti. So, if you want that, know that you can go for it without worrying about me. If it turns out that I was wrong, and it affects me more than I thought, I'll let you know."

Nothing in there about what he should or shouldn't do, simply info about you that will (hopefully) be relevant to his decision-making process. Do you think that might feel better?
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Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
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