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  #1  
Old 07-22-2012, 02:32 PM
RunningMan RunningMan is offline
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Default Update on Poly Talk

Well after 2 days of not talking, we finally talked. The poly thing was not well received. He said he couldn't condone me seeing other people, but if I saw other people without him knowing he didn't care.

Then I asked,"What happens if I see someone and get caught cheating."

He said, "I never said anything about it before, if it just happens I don't care." "I just don't want you to plan to see someone."

I say, "So you want a Don't Ask, Don't Tell Policy." He responds, "Yes, that's what I want.

So that's where I'm at. Whatever, I don't care anymore. I tried to be up front and this is what he wants, this is what he will get.

Obviously, I don't expect to walk into the grocery store, meet someone, and hook up. That's not my style anyway. I will continue seeing my special friend as before.
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  #2  
Old 07-22-2012, 03:29 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Sorry that it went so badly. I get the feeling that if you pursue another relationship he is going to resent you for it, whether you and he discuss the details or not.

Do you feel that you can be truly happy in a DADT setup?
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  #3  
Old 07-22-2012, 04:18 PM
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Originally Posted by RunningMan View Post
I tried to be up front and this is what he wants, this is what he will get.
Ugh, that blows, sorry it went down that way.

It sounds like he wants a DADT when it comes to random hookups but as CDM mentioned, he seems quite clear that he doesn't want you having a romantic partner. CDM asked the right question, can you be happy with this situation as it is?
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  #4  
Old 07-22-2012, 07:59 PM
RunningMan RunningMan is offline
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No, I won't be happy in this situation as is. It's rather frustrating, because basically my "random" hook ups that he agreed to can't interfere with our schedule together. And we're pretty much together all the freaking time except for when I go to grad school. So guess what, I will be going to grad school a hell of a lot. Anyway I don't want random hookups anyway,that's so freaking boring, I just want to see one other person that I have developed a strong connection with. So if he ever finds out, which he won't, I will just tell him I just met the person. I don't know.....something like that.

I really haven't moved much in my progress. We had an unofficial DADT policy that I used, now this is only official. Not much difference in the grand scheme of things.

I'm really not sure why he would want me to hook up with random strangers, that could try and hurt or kill me, instead of one person that I can actually build a trusting relationship with.

SIGH......
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Old 07-22-2012, 08:29 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RunningMan View Post
No, I won't be happy in this situation as is.
OK, that's good information. So if you're not going to be happy doing it, why do it?

If you have something that is really important to you (as it sounds like this is), why are you giving that up? Is your relationship with this person so important to you that you are willing to give that up?


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Originally Posted by RunningMan View Post
So if he ever finds out, which he won't, I will just tell him I just met the person. I don't know.....something like that.
So you'll end up having to lie to him. I can see why you wouldn't be happy with that.

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Originally Posted by RunningMan View Post
I'm really not sure why he would want me to hook up with random strangers, that could try and hurt or kill me, instead of one person that I can actually build a trusting relationship with.
I think that's a very valid point, especially if it's not something you want anyway. What has he said regarding this when you have discussed it with him?

You deserve to be happy. You deserve to have your needs met. You deserve to have caring, loving partners who want you to grow however you wish to grow. I'm not getting a lot of encouragement for personal growth in this situation.
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  #6  
Old 07-23-2012, 05:06 AM
RunningMan RunningMan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
OK, that's good information. So if you're not going to be happy doing it, why do it?

If you have something that is really important to you (as it sounds like this is), why are you giving that up? Is your relationship with this person so important to you that you are willing to give that up?
At this time, yeah I guess I am willing to give it up. Maybe in the hope that time will be my friend. Sometimes people need time for things to take hold and then they can gradually accept them. I'm not sure if that will be the case, but it's also worth a try. I will continue to try an educate on the subject and bring awareness.

Also, there are financial reasons. Right now I'm working full time and working on my PhD full time. Living with my partner makes going to school without the burden of loans a possible feat. Even though I want something really badly, I have to look at the big picture and be practical.

No, I cannot have a text book polyamorous relationship at this current time, but I can still see my special friend when opportunity allows and I guess that's better than nothing.

In time, I may grow to hate this arrangement, but right now, it's my only practical option, until I get fed up and decide that I want and deserve more.
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  #7  
Old 07-23-2012, 08:39 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RunningMan View Post
At this time, yeah I guess I am willing to give it up.

(snip)

... but I can still see my special friend when opportunity allows and I guess that's better than nothing.
Isn't that what your partner has specifically objected to and, therefore, what you've agreed to give up?
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Old 07-24-2012, 02:40 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by RunningMan View Post
. . . I just want to see one other person that I have developed a strong connection with. So if he ever finds out, which he won't, I will just tell him I just met the person. I don't know.....something like that.
Or instead of lying, just say "This is someone I'm seeing that you didn't want to know about. I wanted to tell you and do it honestly and openly, but you preferred not to know, so here we are."

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I'm really not sure why he would want me to hook up with random strangers, that could try and hurt or kill me, instead of one person that I can actually build a trusting relationship with.
ASK HIM THAT!!!!
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  #9  
Old 07-24-2012, 03:10 AM
RunningMan RunningMan is offline
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
Or instead of lying, just say "This is someone I'm seeing that you didn't want to know about. I wanted to tell you and do it honestly and openly, but you preferred not to know, so here we are."
Thanks, that's a good idea. That's what I will do if and when the time comes.
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