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Old 07-21-2012, 03:06 PM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Default "We'll go out Friday night if...

...my wife doesn't have plans for me. I'll let you know."

Is this the way it's typically done in polyamory?

Particularly when the man is going directly home to his wife, doesn't call that night and doesn't call until late the next day with any information?

I'm still looking for where that balance is in this situation.
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Old 07-21-2012, 03:33 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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This personally wouldn't bother me at all, if I was dating someone who was married and considered his marriage his 'primary' relationship.

How often do you get to see him? Do you feel like he blows you off often? What's the underlying issue?

I don't think that there is a "typical" way of things happening in poly. I think it depends completely upon your personal arrangements and agreements.

Sometimes my girlfriend solidifies dates with other people without discussing it with us (her husband and I), but most of the time she pencils in a date with them and then mentions it to us. She does that to be considerate of us and to make sure she doesn't double book.

Are you feeling like you come second, after your boyfriend's wife? Do you not like being second? Do you have a casual relationship or something pretty serious?
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  #3  
Old 07-21-2012, 03:47 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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My boyfriend, Wendigo, is married. I'm married and we both have a child with our respective spouses. I expect him to check with his wife if I want to have a date or even if our regularly scheduled game night needs to be moved around for one reason or another.

For example; I recently asked my boyfriend if we could spend the day together a 2 weeks in advance because we'd just gotten back from a week long camping trip and I knew he'd want time to reconnect with his wife and son. He talked to her, they agreed that he'd be free to spend last Thursday with me and we'd have or regular Wednesday night game on Thursday instead. So we went ahead and got together around 1pm and spent the afternoon together then picked my husband up from work for game. Halfway though game, my boyfriend asked what the date was, knowing his mom's birthday and his anniversary were some time that week, but having been sleeping poorly, the days were running together for him. When we told him, he said he had to go home as it WAS his anniversary. He and his wife had both lost track of the date/ days of the week. She wasn't mad, but I did take him home right away so they could spend some time together.
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Old 07-21-2012, 04:37 PM
TequilaMockingbird TequilaMockingbird is offline
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I think it sounds normal. My husband will ask me a couple days in advance when he's planning on seeing his girlfriend. It avoids scheduling conflicts, and keeps us from intruding on each other's private time. We just see it as a way of being polite to everyone involved.

Althought I do have to admit that Husband did schedule a date for with his girlfriend for my birthday - when I mentioned that, he called her right away and changed it to the next day. When he told her why he was changing, she told him he was a dumbass for forgetting my birthday.

It works well for us. If you're feeling left out, or like you're not getting what you need, let him know. I'm finding more and more that assumptions about what each person expects will get you in trouble every time - it's best to speak up.
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Old 07-21-2012, 06:08 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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I disagree with the other posters, I wouldn't be cool with that and I don't think it's necessarily "normal" even if it's what some people do. I have a busy life and I NEED to be able to plan things in advance. Ever once in a while a "we'll play it by ear" is ok, but in general I need any partner of mine to be willing to make plans with me and stick to them. After all, we all make plans with our friends and stick to them, shouldn't a partner get the same treatment or better??

Maybe Friday night is too much to ask for if that's often a special, flexible night for him and his wife to be spontaneous, but if so you two should just pick a different day that he CAN plan for in advance.
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Old 07-21-2012, 06:22 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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"We'll go out Friday night if my wife doesn't have plans for me. I'll let you know."

The root of my problem with this statement is that he he gets to spend the night with a partner either way -- his wife or you. He's guaranteed a date. You, on the other hand, are implied to be waiting to hear from him, in which case you can't make other plans without breaking your end of the bargain. Not fair, not cool.

A more balanced statement would be "We'll go out Friday night if my wife doesn't have plans for me and if you don't make other plans in the meantime. We'll let each other know." Still kind of a lame way to make plans, but at least it acknowledges that you have the right to continue to have a life rather than just wait around for him. Either reserve your space in advance and plan to keep your reservation, or accept that there's no guarantee the time you want will still be available, mister.
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