I'm a mess
and I need some objective viewpoints on my situation and I need some serious help and/or ideas on what to do now.
I am in a BDSM relationship of 12 years. We are not married, but have one child together, and broke up for a while 8 years or so ago. When we got together it was with the understanding that while I would have no outside play partners, he retained that option. I don't have a problem with this... sex is sex, it does NOT equate to love. This never became an issue until now.
I would llike to clarify that I was NOT prepared to watch my partner fall in love with this second girl, and that I thought I understood what polyamory was until this happened.
I guess I need to give you the story...
About 5 years ago, he met this young lady, and she caught his attention. A submissive, she was collared to a married man whose wife was NOT aware. This horrid man used that collar to coerce her to be a stripper and escort, to make money to buy a boat. He would then leave his wife and sail off together... blah blah blah. She earned the money, bought the boat, fixed the boat, then he proceeded to bring his wife down, kicked her off the boat and had her sign it over to him. Yeah.
Needless to say, after having befriended this girl, neither one of us was willing to allow her to go BACK to the life of a call girl/stripper. I loved her as a friend, and wanted to help her as much as Daddy did. She was bright, pretty, and very young for her 23 years. So we moved her in here, not as part of our family, but as a friend in need. The offer was open for her to serve in a submissive role for Daddy (they had scened together, sans sex due to her collar), but no pressure was on. After several months, she agreed to join us in a Leather family, and they started sleeping together. (Still no big deal, I'm good with that.)
(He has another girlfriend, Lauren, with whom I have NO problems at all. NO jealousy, NO envy. Hell, I'd jump through hoops to make sure Lauren got her Daddy time!)
After about a year, I'm starting to feel left out... he plays with her, laughs with her, enjoys her company, allows her freedoms that I have never been offered, lets her get away with transgressions that I would have been punished and/or reprimanded for. It is becoming apparent that I am no longer first in his house; she is. (Or at least it feels this way.) My concerns are brought up and brushed off. He makes excuses for her behavior and/or actions, when I need time with him and demand some of his attention, it feels forced, grudging, or coerced. Often when I made plans with him, Raven would have a crisis come up and need his attention. She constantly had some sort of drama going on, often self created.
In November of last year, Daddy collared her. I had issues with it, but was assured by him that my place in his heart was secure, and we officially made her part of this house, permanently. I figured with that collar, he would put a stop to her drama and poor behavior. I was wrong. She disrespected his collar, this house, our relationship. He continued to turn a blind eye.
I noticed her withdrawing from us, spending hours on the phone talking to her 'family'. (Her mom really would call and talk to her for hours.) She even started web camming with a guy from the local college in her room! The resentment I began to feel for her was magnified. My concerns were pooh poohed away.
By the time Daddy opened his eyes enough to see what was happening with her, it was too late. They had a long talk, she decided to leave. Now I'm left picking up the pieces. He is devastated. His heart is broken. We found out some things that were VERY troubling, that she lied to us and has been talking to her former master for over a year. She put that collar on her neck KNOWING she would never be able to live up to the expectations it represented to us. There were other things she lied about as well.
Herein lies the problem: Daddy wants her back. He wants her back badly enough he would do anything, even to the point of her NOT being submissive to him. He would let her persue other relationships, play with whomever and however she wants... the list goes on. It is horrifying for me to see just how broken he is over this girl.
I am fairly sure she'll never come back to him. She isn't in love with him the way he is with her. If she was, she'd never have left in the first place. He is sure, however, that he can win her back if given enough time. Meanwhile, OUR relationship is on the rocks, and he has told me that he isn't sure if he wants to fix it or not, that his life is pointless without his 'muse' in it.
I am so completely lost and alone, afraid, and yes, angry as hell. Am I jealous of her? Probably. Do I want her back in our lives? Not really, no, but I want his happiness above all things. I also want my Love back. I want him to cherish me the way he used to, and somehow I don't think he ever will again, regardless of whether or not she returns.
I feel broken, rejected. He cried on my shoulder and told me how empty he was without her. I wanted to scream at him.
I need advice. I have NO clue where to even begin to unravel my feelings and respond. How do I fix this? Can it even BE fixed? How long do I wait for him to mourn before I insist on working on our relationship? UGH!! So frustrated! help?
lost little diamond
Hi and welcome
How old is your child and how much of this does he or she know.
Let me get this straight the girl who was trafficked ....forced to be a stripper and a hooker to buy a boat .....went back to the guy who did that to her and "daddy" wants her back ?? And You want her back only to make him less miserable and or happy.. She sounds lovely....Her coming back isn't going to change his feels for you.....don't you see that.
I recommend safe yourself and your kid. I further recommend you keep the kink part of your life as far away from your child or children as possible......seeing mommy tied up with a gag in her mouth and hook in her ass being beaten does have a very negative effect on them....and it also has an expensive half-life. It seems like common sense but you'd be surprised how many of these accidents happen.
Good luck D
PS. What kind of boat did the guy buy? You can tell a lot about guy by his boat....Size...sail or motor powered, etc...
The trouble with boats you always want to trade up .....the guy might want a bigger ...newer boat....she might be back as soon as she's got that worked off.
Last edited by dingedheart; 07-19-2012 at 12:25 PM.
@dingedheart: My child knows NOTHING of the S&M context of our relationship other than his Daddy is the boss, and we are very polite to him. He does understand that his Daddy has two girlfriends (well... one now) and his Mom. He is 11, and has been raised in a very open household. i.e. he didn't worry about being naked until he was 9... I was getting worried that his lack of modesty would be an issue, but nature took its course and he became self-aware. We don't have a 'playroom' here, we go to the club to play in that aspect.
As for her going back to him... she is still living in this area with mutual friends of ours, however her hours and hours on the phone with him make it pretty apparent that there is more going on there than her claim of "getting closure" seems to cover. Not sure what is going on in that little time bomb.
Thank you for your insight... it does seem to be a very similar situation to what we have here, albeit my position isn't as secure as I would like it to be. When we have talked, he puts it like this: I am his sun and moon, always there, ever present, necessary to life. Lauren is the bunny rabbits and butterflies, she makes him smile and makes the world a sweeter place to be, and Raven is his weather, ever changing, and making life interesting.
I will most likely hold on for dear life and pray to the heavens that he comes to his senses before it is too late. My question is how do I hold on to my sanity while I wait for him to regain his?
Again, thank you both for your thoughts on this matter. I'm sure I don't have to tell you that my side is only ONE side of this tale, he has one, and she has one as well, however I am only privy to my thoughts and my feelings here.
The feelings he has for her do not sound like love. They sound like an obsessive craving, or possibly a need to possess. I would be very careful here, and perhaps get uncollared to him and have your freedom. The situation does not sound good for you.
The world opens up... when you do.
"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "
An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
I am sorry that you are in such a heart-wrenching situation.
To clarify - are you collared to him as a submissive or slave? Is that your role in the BDSM relationship?
Why are you expected to be monogamous whilst he can be poly? Is it a training thing?
I'm a Mistress and I do not expect fidelity, even from my collared subs. That is just my opinion. Are you / were you happy being mono to him?
I just re-read your post and realised that you said he doesn't actually know if he wants to work things out with you?
That, to me, immediately means that you should not have to take on the burden of his tears.
Yes, you could 'prove' yourself to him by helping him through this time, instead of turning your back.... but it seems like you have put up with enough.
Now, if he was telling you that he still loved you, but was depressed over her, that would be another story.
In terms of his love for this girl.... I will share my experience in the small hope that it might help.
The problem with polysexuality is that love can happen. You cannot stop love. You can say "I don't want to fall in love" and certainly pick people and situations that are less likely to lead to it.... but you cannot say for certain that you will never love someone else. Polyamory is technically the idea that you can love openly.
Now, in terms of D and his feelings for this girl.
I can say that as a Mistress, I've noticed a trend. Many of us crave not only control, but we crave to save people. We seem to have some sort of Hero(ine) complex. I personally get sucked into the troubled ones ridiculously often. I am like a magnetic for a wounded soul. Many Dom/mes I've met seem to have this inside them - this need to pick people up and fix them. It's part unwitting arrogance, part selfless strength.
I was once involved with a very selfish, immature, dishonest submissive. She was intoxicating. I didn't love her in nearly the same way that I loved my girlfriend - but I couldn't stay away from her. She made me feel alive. The love I have for my girlfriend is solid, spiritual, beautiful, passionate... everything I could want. My love for her didn't lessen because of this submissive I had fallen for. But my love for this girl was consuming, tortured, passionate, destructive. Difficult to tear myself away from. Time and time again, she caused trouble between my girlfriend and I. I just kept going back. I was convinced that I could help her become a better person, help her embrace the beauty of submission, blah blah. Toxic people are like a drug - because they push and pull, push and pull, you have a chemical reaction to them. You crave the elation of the good moments with them and you keep hanging on, waiting for your next fix.
Oh and yes, my GF tells me that I made excuses for her behaviour all the time, took her side more often, etc. In my mind, she was a bird with a broken wing who nobody else understood. It sounds like D had the same feelings for Raven.
I eventually ended with her because she crossed one of my GF's boundaries and my GF told me that she couldn't take any more. She basically gave me a choice - I could carry on seeing this girl, but we were likely to break up over it. I talked to the girl and encouraged her to make more of an effort with my GF... she flipped and ended it. I spent two months crying every day.
I could be projecting, but if D is anything like me, this could be a possible explanation for why he fell for this girl so hard and why he's such a mess now. He could have experienced the Dom need to rescue and felt a drug-like pull to her toxicity.
This doesn't mean that he has fallen out of love with you. But, if he's saying he has, you need to think about yourself.
You can repair love, trust and commitment. But you cannot be a doormat. Whatever role you play in BDSM.... emotional needs should be taken care of. You also can not force love back if it has left.... sometimes we meet people to learn from them and then it's time to learn the next lesson.
It's difficult to advise you, because it is going to take time, one way or another, to figure out if you two have something that can be saved.
As I say, I have been in his position, so I understand the torment he is going through. However, I experienced my torment whilst still wanting to be with my GF. If he doesn't know whether or not he wants to be with you, he cannot use you for support.
I think you need to make some decisions on your end, before you can go any further.
What do you want from your relationship?
Would you stay if she came back?
What if he falls in love with someone else?
I know one thing for sure.... if I'd have told my girlfriend that I wasn't sure about us when I was moping on about breaking up with my sub, she'd have been out of the door. The only thing that kept her around was my insistence that I was committed to her.
You've put up with a lot. I think you need to look after yourself - not him, right now.
Me: (30f) open poly
GF: (40f) My long-term, long-distance partner
Hubby (37m): GF's husband
Garcon (26m): GF's submissive/third partner
“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha
Last edited by sparklepop; 07-19-2012 at 12:27 PM.