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Old 07-18-2012, 09:45 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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Default Vicki's Journey

I'm pretty confused and looking for some viewpoints. To be honest, I'm not sure what specifically I need help with and I think writing it all out will help. So please feel free to comment away!

I'm 30 years old, and I've been happily married for 7 years in a monogamous relationship. My background is that I used to be an erotic writer since early in my marriage (quit when I had my son, now 2 1/2) and my characters were always having extramarital sex with the blessing of the spouse, so my husband knew that the latent desire was there for me. In January of this year, we opened our marriage to the point where he would allow me to seek other partners sexually because he knew it was something that I needed. We agreed that it was going to be purely to meet physical needs. He told me that he would remain monogamous because he is a one woman man.

Since then, I've had several new partners, and while I always like to have at least some kind of connection with them, there were no emotions involved beyond what you'd consider to be a very casual acquaintanceship. I always thought I would be emotionally monogamous, just having sex with other men. We found that our marriage got stronger as I had my needs met elsewhere. My husband and I found ourselves falling deeply in love again and we were happier than we've been in years. He told me that he thought it was so weird to say that our marriage got more better now that I fuck other men, but it's the truth!

Then, three months ago, I met a man online on a MBL dating site (married but looking, which is where I have been finding my partners since I did not want a relationship!). I was going to be travelling to his city (3 hours away) for a weekend visit with another friend and I was looking for a one night stand while I was there. So we arranged to meet for lunch and then hook up if we had chemistry. But the date was over a week away and we found ourselves video camming every night for hours. We didn't have cybersex, although we did flirt. The chemistry between us was so intense that I knew before we even met that I was going to want more than a one night stand.

We met for lunch, and it wasn't long before we left to go back to his house. He is married, but in a DADT relationship; so his wife is fine with him having other partners but she doesn't want to know about it. She was out of town for the weekend. We had incredible sex all day and night long. I had never known that things could be this good, especially with a new partner (I've always found that sex gets better as you get to know your partner). We agreed that we had to see each other again, despite the distance.

Since then, we've been seeing each other an average of every 3 weeks, always for overnights because of the distance. The sex has remained incredible, and perhaps has even gotten better. I don't have a car, so with the exception of that first weekend, he's come to see me every time. In between, we talk every single day. We usually text or email during the workday, and in the evenings we usually chat for a couple of hours unless someone has plans. The NRE has been extremely intense for me. I have strong feelings for him, but I know it's only been three months so I really don't know what those feelings are except that I want him in my life. My husband is supportive of my relationship with him now that he has his mind wrapped around it (when he first found out there was an emotional component to our relationship rather than pure sex, he had some concerns and I don't blame him, but he is fine with it now).

Obviously, neither of us was looking for anything exclusive. Given the distance, that just wouldn't be right, not to mention that we were both already seeing other people when we hooked up. Since then, for reasons unrelated to him (things with the other men weren't meeting my needs), I have ended things with my other partners. Of course, things were different with them anyway; it was far more casual and definitely no emotion involved. We just had a casual acquaintanceship and enjoyed sex.

He was and still is seeing some other women. He is involved in kink, so he does have a lot of sexual contact with women. He has a D/s relationship with one other woman that he's been seeing in January, and she's the one I have the hardest time handling. She's local to him, so they see each other about once a week. I can only wish I could see him that often. I know that they aren't together for as long as we are, since we always overnight and they are usually only together for a couple of hours, but it still bothers me. I also find myself frustrated knowing that she is giving him something that I can't, since I don't identify as a submissive. He doesn't expect that of me and we have a more than satisfying sexual relationship but I still worry despite his assurances that I'm not giving him what he needs. Then, he and I have been experimenting with a particular sexual activity, and taking it slowly. He told me a couple of weeks ago that not only did he do it all with her, but she loved it. That really hurt and made me wonder why he'd still want to do it with me since it is more difficult for me and apparently easy with her.

Then, I worry because of the distance, that he is just going to not want to go to all the hassle to see me anymore. I mean, it's not like he has a shortage of sex locally. Or maybe he'll find someone more attractive for whatever reason, or who can satisfy him sexually better. I have expressed my worries to him and he did tell me that he is not looking for any more partners. I still worry about him getting tired of the distance and deciding he's fine with his two local women and his wife.

I know he has similar worries about me at times. He knows I am actively looking for some local partners since I have none right now, but that I want to keep things mostly sex based with them. He has told me he's afraid I will find someone who will rock my world and be local and that he can't compete with that since we're LD. I try to assure him that he means more to me than just the sex (although that is freaking incredible anyway!) and that he has nothing to worry about, but it doesn't seem to help.

There's also been a bit of a change lately in the way he's reacted to me. He has known all along that I've been meeting other men, although I hadn't found one that met my standards as a friend-with-benefits yet. He asked that I keep him up to date on my search because he found it to be a turn on to hear about my sex with other men. There have been a few times where he told me that he worried about someone else being local, but it was rare. Then this time I had a lunch date with a local man that I liked, and I told my lover that I was going to have sex with him next time I saw him. My lover got a little withdrawn (even via text message) in a way that he hadn't before and told me that he was worried that I would find someone to replace him. I tried to reassure him that he was special to me but he said it was easier said than done for him to stop worrying, which is how I feel, too.

I'm just not good at relationships in general. I have been with my husband since I was 18 years old, so I'm far from experienced. I'm used to being completely open and honest with no secrets. I'm not used to the rollercoaster and general uncertainty of being with a new partner. I'm not comfortable enough in our relationship yet to ask for reassurance when I need it, because I don't want to be needy and insecure, although I am happy to give it to him when he needs it. Also, we express our emotions differently and I know that is difficult for me. My husband and I tend to be verbally demonstrative, and my new lover seems to show me more with actions that he cares. At least, I assume he does, because I can't imagine many men would drive 3+ hours one way to see a woman every few weeks and spend hours every night talking to her if they didn't actually like her. But I don't feel secure enough; what if I ask him for what I want, and it makes him uncomfortable?

And I just don't know how to deal with my feelings of jealousy and fear of being dumped. Those are very negative emotions and I don't want them in my life. I had such a wonderful weekend with him just now, and the night he left I was full of worry and insecurities. It spoiled the time we shared a little bit because I just felt so miserable.

It's just bizarre. I've never been happier or more fulfilled in my life. I have my wonderful husband who is so supportive of me, and I have my new lover who takes me places sexually that I've never been. I'm worried that I will do something to screw it up. And by worrying about it, I make it more likely that I will do so!

So I don't really know where to go from here. I never saw myself as poly, and never even imagined I had room for two men in my heart. That has never happened before; every time I became interested in someone new, I lost interest in my current partner. I am still madly in love with my husband, so that hasn't happened now. I still am not even sure I can identify myself this way because the label just feels so serious to me, if that makes any sense. I don't even know if my situation really counts or not. But I certainly don't want to leave my husband for my lover, and I don't want my lover to leave his wife for me. Oddly enough, I am not jealous of his wife; just his other girlfriends.

So where does this leave me? Thanks for any comments.

Last edited by redpepper; 09-06-2012 at 05:23 AM.
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  #2  
Old 07-18-2012, 09:59 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Read your post. I found the answer in there and I'm pretty sure you will too.

Regarding the submissive, you need to worry less about what you can't or won't give and just focus on what you can give. It's not about better or worse. It's about different. That's why we choose this lifestyle. It's hard for one person to give us all we want. So we seek it from multiple sources. That doesn't mean we aren't in love with one or the other. Love is additive, not subtractive. You build on it. You don't split it up and share it.

Read the ethical slut. It talks about all of this and it's a good educational read.
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Old 07-18-2012, 10:01 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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I've read the Ethical Slut. It helped me feel more normal about fucking other guys in the first place. Keep in mind I am coming at this from a monogamous background and have been heavily resisting the idea that I could be something else. Extramarital sex has made sense to me, but these feelings are brand new and I don't know how to handle them.

If it was just as easy as reading my own post, I wouldn't be having all this angst. But thanks anyway.
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Old 07-18-2012, 10:44 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicki82 View Post
I've read the Ethical Slut. It helped me feel more normal about fucking other guys in the first place. Keep in mind I am coming at this from a monogamous background and have been heavily resisting the idea that I could be something else. Extramarital sex has made sense to me, but these feelings are brand new and I don't know how to handle them.

If it was just as easy as reading my own post, I wouldn't be having all this angst. But thanks anyway.
I come from a monogamous background as well. It's not easy but eventually you learn to deal with the emotions. If you've already read that book then you're ahead of the game.

By telling you to read your own post I was trying to point out that you said things that only poly people would say. You love two people. You don't want to leave or lose either of them. You are poly and you're handling something new fairly well. Good job. Keep at it.
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Old 07-19-2012, 12:57 AM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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I guess I chose my subject poorly... I'm not really sure what I was hoping for, but maybe some general advice?

I'm also not sure if I'm in love with my lover (despite the term). After all, it has only been three months. I know I care about him very much but no idea how to sort out if I'm in love with someone new, frankly! Being LD, I think NRE is going to take a while to dissipate. I don't think that part is all that relevant though. I'm more worried about dealing with my other feelings.
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Old 07-19-2012, 06:32 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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I just feel so alone. I mean, it's not like there are loads of people I can talk to about my situation! And I'm the kind of person who really needs connections to sort things out.

I struggled before even when I just started having casual extramarital sex, because again that was something I couldn't share with anyone. This is even harder. People might understand me having a desire for multiple sex partners... but having a man that I call my lover? I feel lost.
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Old 08-12-2012, 03:05 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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After some thought, I'm not sure if I really am poly after all. I am wondering if I just got to this place in my life because of this specific man. He feels like everything I would want in a secondary partner, and is no threat to my marriage. Perhaps the right person just came along and I made room for him in my heart. If at some point we end the relationship though, I don't think I am going to go looking for another "real" relationship and will go back to just having casual sex partners, I think.

He and I had a talk about our feelings though, and I am still feeling giddy. We love each other and that is incredibly exciting... except that I have no one I can tell!

Is this board normally slow or is my situation just uninteresting? I have always found that more perspectives are always helpful, whether I agree or not.
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Old 08-12-2012, 03:13 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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If you are in love with more than one person, and can imagine yourself happy in a relationship with them both at the same time, and want this to be honest and transparent for all involved, then yes, you are poly.

Poly can very easily mean a specific situation with specific people involved.

But why worry about labels? You are who you are, and are facing some of the standard issues that poly brings. If you find discussion useful here, then by all means join in.
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Old 08-12-2012, 06:05 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicki82 View Post
After some thought, I'm not sure if I really am poly after all. I am wondering if I just got to this place in my life because of this specific man. He feels like everything I would want in a secondary partner, and is no threat to my marriage.
Sounds delicious. Why the need to question it, then? You don't have to be poly to live poly. You just have to be present and willing to put the necessary work into more than one relationship to be successful.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicki82 View Post
Perhaps the right person just came along and I made room for him in my heart. If at some point we end the relationship though, I don't think I am going to go looking for another "real" relationship and will go back to just having casual sex partners, I think.
It doesn't matter if someday in the future you find yourself perfectly happy and satisfied to live monogamously, or if you eschew more serious commitments altogether; for right now, you have two relationships that work well. So... be here now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicki82 View Post
He and I had a talk about our feelings though, and I am still feeling giddy. We love each other and that is incredibly exciting... except that I have no one I can tell!
Tell us!! We love it when people come here and gush. The board is full of posts about problems - give us the good stuff!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Vicki82 View Post
Is this board normally slow or is my situation just uninteresting? I have always found that more perspectives are always helpful, whether I agree or not.
Your thread actually seems more in tune with what people write in the Blogs forum. You asked people for their thoughts on things while you unraveled and examined stuff in your mind, rather than posing a situation that needed an urgent, concrete solution. You've been musing and ruminating, and people have added their thoughts. I'm sure more people were reading but perhaps didn't quite know what to add, since it has a bloggy feel. But do keep writing!
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Last edited by nycindie; 08-12-2012 at 06:09 PM.
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Old 08-12-2012, 07:20 PM
Vicki82 Vicki82 is offline
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I don't really want to keep a blog- seems like that would be too labour intensive although sometimes there are words and phrases that I wish I could reread forever.

I posted here because sometimes it's just helpful to have other thoughts on my situation given that this is completely new to me. I figured the people here have experience in poly relationships and would understand how I am feeling.

Do people comment on blogs? What I really need is an outlet- people I can talk to about my life. It's not like I really have anyone I can tell. Right now I am so happy that I want to stand on my roof and shout that I'm in love... and I can't. Well, I can, but they'll all just laugh and ask how I can still be so madly in love with my husband after being together nearly 12 years. And I am madly in love with him... but who else can I tell that I am madly in love with my lover? Pretty much no one. So I don't just want to start a blog just for the sake of writing- it's the interaction that I need.

I am deliriously happy. I have never felt this way in my whole life. I have an extremely rewarding and loving relationship with my husband, where we have reignited the passion we felt in our "honeymoon" period so long ago and combined that with the security and comfort of a marriage. And I have a very exciting, passionate relationship with my lover which combines incredible sex with an intense emotional connection. My cup runneth over.

I'm still having issues dealing with the green eyed monster, but I am trying, I really am. My fear of abandonment has gone way down since he told me how he feels about me. Thinking about him with other women still gives me a twinge (again, except his wife).

Every time I have a twinge, I try to analyze it and figure out why I am feeling that way. Like, he just got back from a week's vacation with his wife, so I am sure he was very turned on and wanting to have sex. It's Sunday, so I know he saw his submissive this morning. I made a list of reasons why I was bothered. One reason I felt jealous was that she got to enjoy that extra passion that comes out when you haven't had sex in a while. But I asked myself, would I rather that he stayed frustrated until we are together? That isn't fair to him and I want him to be happy.

I have to be honest, doing this doesn't entirely take my feelings away. I'm kind of hoping that will happen with time.
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