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  #1  
Old 07-18-2012, 06:40 PM
LostInCanada LostInCanada is offline
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Default Well that was a dead end

I asked my boyfriend if he would consider having a relationship with the guy we've been talking to, and whom he wants to be his friend with benefits. His response? A resounding no. But, then here's the kicker. He wants the guy to be only with him sexually. I told him that he can't expect him to just fuck him and be happy, especially when he's bicurious. I told him he's gonna probably want to be with a girl at some point. To which my boyfriend replied that that's fine as long as we know who it is and that he gets tested. Ok, well that's fair enough I thought. But then he adds on that he definitely doesn't want me and the other guy to be together sexually. I wish I could open up his mind some more, but for the time being it seems to be completely closed shut.
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  #2  
Old 07-18-2012, 06:50 PM
PolyCNYM PolyCNYM is offline
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Wern't you and you bf initally going to be together with the new guy which is why you were looking?

You found him and now you're on the outside looking in. It sounds like you and your BF need a real good talk as it sounds like he changed his mind midstream.
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Old 07-18-2012, 06:58 PM
LostInCanada LostInCanada is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PolyCNYM View Post
Wern't you and you bf initally going to be together with the new guy which is why you were looking?

You found him and now you're on the outside looking in. It sounds like you and your BF need a real good talk as it sounds like he changed his mind midstream.
No this is what initially going to happen. My boyfriend and the new guy would sleep together and the new guy and I would be friends and nothing more. The only time I would join in would be to watch them or have my boyfriend have sex with me while he got fucked by the other guy, or let the other guy watch us have sex. Of course I wasn't expecting to get along with the new guy so much or for us to kinda "click" I guess you could say. I mean I would still be ok with all of that happening, despite my little crush. But if that's going to happen I don't think my boyfriend should expect the new guy to just be like "oh yeah, that's fine and I won't have sex with anyone else or try to find someone for myself". That's just stupid and selfish.

Also I don't get why he won't let the guy have sex with me, but he's ok with him watching me masturbate. That makes absolutely no sense in my head. But he did say that he hopes that I don't get mad because he now gets to be with other guys, and I have to stay monogamous. And yes, he said guys as in plural, but he wants me and the new guy to just be with him. I'm now frustrated.

Last edited by LostInCanada; 07-18-2012 at 07:01 PM.
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  #4  
Old 07-18-2012, 07:47 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Default Double Standard

That does sound frustrating. PolyCYNM is still right though, you two need to sit down and talk. Though it sounds like you've already told each other what you wanted - only you were told "no, you can't have what you want".

I'm not sure what to recommend beyond making sure that you are completely unambiguous about your desires. After that, if you are still required to be monogamous and you want to be otherwise - it sounds like a change is in order. At least that's my personal take.
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Old 07-18-2012, 08:07 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Before you get too much deeper then, renegotiate the terms.

It's perfectly valid to go into a thing and make self discoveries that could change the name of the game. We can't anticipate everything! But the thing to do then is go back to the negotiation table and work out the next working game plan for THIS stage.

Sounds like initially you were looking for something like a "closed polyfi V" kinda of situation with your BF as the hinge person with the arms of the V not having anyone but him and him having just you two. And with your crush on the OSO, hoping it could extend to triad perhaps.

And now BF wants it morphing into something like he wants to have you two but not be closed in his end, yet you all remain mono-closed to him. If that is what you all want and it's your pleasure, yay. If you all have not signed off on that structure for this next stage... he is being very cavalier and presumptuous with his people and their own wants, needs, limits.

Quote:
But he did say that he hopes that I don't get mad because he now gets to be with other guys, and I have to stay monogamous.
He doesn't just "get" to be with other guys. He wants this, it may not be yours and it needs to be negotiated.

You do not "have" to stay monogamous. This is his want. It may not be yours.

He "hopes" you don't get mad? He may actually hope that. But it is ridiculous to hope someone would be thrilled to have their life dictated to them even down to how they should be feeling!

Or more sinister -- he's not hoping. It's also another order. He gets to be with other guys, you have to stay monogamous, and you cannot be upset by all that. Stat!

Kinda fresh.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-18-2012 at 08:16 PM.
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  #6  
Old 07-18-2012, 08:45 PM
LostInCanada LostInCanada is offline
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Thank you for the responses everyone. I know I do need to talk to him about everything, because I don't know where he got some of these new ideas from. They weren't run by me or the new guy at that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Sounds like initially you were looking for something like a "closed polyfi V" kinda of situation with your BF as the hinge person with the arms of the V not having anyone but him and him having just you two. And with your crush on the OSO, hoping it could extend to triad perhaps.
You hit the nail right on the head with this! I was initially hoping for it to be just a closed polyfi V type of relationship between the three of us. It wasn't until I found the right guy that I started wondering if maybe we could have a triad possibly in the future. Because honestly if it wasn't him in particular, I probably would still want just a closed V. And if my boyfriend isn't comfortable with the idea of a closed triad, then I'd still be ok with it just being a V. But now it seems he's putting his needs and wants above the needs and wants of us. I mean he's presuming the new guy will only sleep with him and not want a relationship outside of him for sex or otherwise. And he's presuming that I'll be ok with him sleeping with multiple guys, which I'm not.

We do need to talk, but I think we all need to talk since we're bringing OG into this. He deserves to have his needs and wishes met, as much as we do. I just need to get this through my boyfriend's somewhat thick head.
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  #7  
Old 07-19-2012, 05:09 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LostInCanada View Post
. . . he hopes that I don't get mad because he now gets to be with other guys, and I have to stay monogamous.
WTF? You "have to" stay monogamous? Says the dictator who thinks he can do what he wants and run your life? Um, what?

YOU have a choice. Grow a backbone, why don't you! YOU tell him what you want, and YOU are the one who chooses what you do with your life and your body. If he doesn't want to abide by it, he can walk.

Sheesh, the immature crap people put up with.
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  #8  
Old 07-19-2012, 06:10 PM
BohemianMLHR81 BohemianMLHR81 is offline
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Oh horse pucky! Stop making excuses for his selfesh behavior and start screaming for equality! If his treating you as if you did not matter was not bothering you then this post would not be here! And furthermore trust me on this because almost every man in the sothern part of the US uses a cheating ex as an EXCUSE to be a controlling asshole with a double standard for himself and his woman! He my dear is a cheater! You have just given him permission to rub it in your face!
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  #9  
Old 07-19-2012, 06:27 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Bohemian - First of all if you paid attention to her handle, you'd realize that she isn't in the US and comparing her boyfriend to those supposed southern redneck men that you've encountered, especially the cheating part, really isn't fair since she's never said that he cheated. Since when is it cheating to have multiple relationships, sexual or otherwise, if your partner has explicitly agreed to it? She didn't give him permission to cheat and rub it in her face. *exasperated sigh*

Also, I'm wondering if everyone missed the part about them having a D/s relationship because that could effect how she goes about handling things.

LostinCanada, I am hearing that you want your boyfriend to have this relationship, but you don't want him to keep OG from seeing other people and you would prefer it if he only saw OG and not guys plural. Depending on the level of D/s in your relationship, I would suggest telling him that you aren't comfortable with him seeing multiple guys. It sounds like you are getting to spend more time with his new guy than he is and that has to sting a little. I know that you feel a connection to OG, but I would suggest keeping it to a friendship while they build their relationship. You are all new at this and rushing into asking for you to be allowed to date OG before he's really had the chance to seems a bit unfair considering what you initially agreed to. Point out to him that you and he had an agreement that you'd help him find A guy to explore his bicurious nature and you want to take things slow so you all feel comfortable with how the relationship is proceeding, including OG. Leave room to negotiate later, but suggest a period of 3-6 months, where you guys stick to the original plan?

Last edited by BrigidsDaughter; 07-19-2012 at 06:29 PM. Reason: corrected spelling
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