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Old 07-17-2012, 03:31 AM
pocketpoly86 pocketpoly86 is offline
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Default 30 Days to Becoming a Secondary Wife

Day 1

Today marks my first night in my own room! I can't believe it! It actually feels like I went and got a new apartment (not that I've actually ever done that but I think this is how it would feel). I have candles everywhere - stuff in boxes, a mismatch of art on the wall, a bed that needs new linens, and a couple of days of clothes unpacked. I have a lot to do to make my "suite" my own. I'm actually getting a bit excited!

Here's the backstory:
I was previously married to a poly-interested, very sexually repressed, and sadly, quite crazy (yes, actually diagnosed) man, whom I'll call BeautifulMind (because yes, he's just like the guy in the movie). Well, eventually his issues posed a safety concern for me and the kiddies - and we divorced. I loved the man, but we were all suffering. His issues eventually led to him losing custody of the kids. He can see them if I allow it but he has been stripped of the ability to make any decisions for them. It's a sad situation - and an emotionally/financially costly one too. I have two super middle school aged kiddos from that marriage - ScienceGuy and AthleteGirl. At the end of my marriage to BeautifulMind, I met PipedPiper....who swepped me off my feet. He made my tummy do flipflops like I had never experienced. During our first sexual experience I actually asked him what we were doing! hahahaha It was just such a different experience than I had ever known. I was numb everywhere and I had the biggest grin I had ever seen on my very red with joy, face. But having been forced to consider a poly lifestyle with BeautifulMind and turned it down outright, I refused to be asked to be "shared" again. PipedPiper promised he would never, ever share me. Boy was he wrong.

Admittedly, PipedPiper confessed that he had cheated on every woman he had ever been with - but after a broken engagement due to such behavior, he swore he had changed. WRONG. About 7 months into our marriage, he asked to become involved with a woman (Marathon) he had previously dated. I was a bit turned on by the possibility so I agreed. It led to a 5 month serious dating situation. She and I started emailing and IMing - eventually we met (we lived in different states) and hit it off....emotionally and sexually. I am typicaly not at all attracted to women but she was the right combination of controlling and smart - so I was attracted to her anyway. I found that I was enormously turned on by watching her and Piped Piper have sex. Our threesomes were, well, simply put, they were amazing...best sex I've ever had. Unfortunately, she had a darkside and that relationship ended. I found out that her and PipedPiper had been sleeping together right before our wedding. I have never recovered from that information. It makes our wedding such a joke. She wanted him to divorce me, he refused, she left, 'nuff said. 3 years goes by. I needed a loooonnnggg time to recover. I was so angry and hurt.

Finally I told Piped Piper that I'm ready to let him try again. Things were good between us and I felt better. Enter Ant. She was young, beautiful, and very innocent. He appeared to be honest with her and liked her a lot. But she was too young for this life. 10 years our junior, she was terrified to fall for him or to meet me. We tried like 5 or 6 times and each time, the sky would fall, she wouldn't show, and the cycle would begin again. Eventually, she had a terrible accident and so far, has spent 14 months in the hospital recovering. Go figure - it happened the night I said, "forget it, I can't keep trying to do this - this is rediculous." But who bails on a girl in crisis? So he continued to try. But we had a trajedy of our own. Our family became very sick - PipedPiper and I lost one of our daughters (Butterfly) and the other spent 6 months in intensive care (Pea). I was hospitalized for a couple of weeks and he was treated outpatient. But it took an enormous toll on us both. Eventually, Ant and PipedPiper couldn't keep it going. She was in a hospital 3 hours away and becoming more and more depressed (not surprising) but with his own woes, it was just too much to continue.

3 months pass - and PipedPiper decides to date her sister, Colada. <sigh> Really? her sister? <sigh again> Well, Colada is older, better educated, more career minded, stronger....blah blah blah. As far as I can tell, she's just as commitment-phobic as her sister so it won't work either. Nonetheless, it's been 5 months now and they're in wuv. But she won't meet me either. And I mean, kicking, screaming, hysterical crying afraid to meet me. <sigh again and again> He says she's worth it - I coulnd't tell you - and at this point, I'm not sure I care. We've tried to connect over email but it's been sporatic, at best and agonizingly shallow. So basically, it's not doing anything for me. But he likes her and wants to make her comfortable. So I said forget it - make her your primary. I'm out.

Enter today. I've moved downstairs. We have two master suites in the house so I moved into the spare one. I've decided to take some time to spend with myself because I need a B-R-E-A-K! We just celebrated the girls' birthdays and it was very difficult missing one. I miss Butterfly so much it hurts sometimes. I resent PipedPiper for making me face, yet another, drama in the face of dealing with the children. But he's not going to change and I love my kiddies way too much to leave him so here we are - stuck. For better, for worse, I suppose.

But I've turned into a sniveling, sad, depressed, mess of a woman who begs for attention - who is that?! I don't BEG. or do I? Apparently I do. Well, no more. I need to reconnect with me and figure myself out before I can even consider how deal with Piper's poly "needs". And Colada? oh who knows...I have no idea how to deal with her, or even if I need to.

So I started this blog in order to record my thoughts and my journey. I've asked for 30 days of space. We'll see how it all unfolds. For now, I'm treated like the secondary - sorta. We use condoms, they don't. She gets first choice of time but I get all the responsibility (his moods, his needs, his work, etc). Enough! If she's going to be primary, then the responsibility comes with it! I'd like to just be the fun one - the one with energy, personal space, and only work to worry about. (well, except that I adore my children so I enjoy that privelege)

I don't know how I'll feel in 30 days...but I do know I should learn a thing or two. We'll see if I really like the idea of being second -- or not?
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Old 07-17-2012, 06:38 PM
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Thanks for coming here and sharing - it sounds like a very challenging situation that never seems to reach any real resolution, in spite of his best intentions. Glad you are getting a little distance from it, and starting to work on you.;
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Old 07-18-2012, 01:31 AM
pocketpoly86 pocketpoly86 is offline
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Default Day 2

First, I can’t believe I missed it – but I misspelled “Pied” throughout my entire entry – ugh – so I’ll correct it in the future – I think once I typed it wrong the first time I just didn’t notice I kept doing it. :/

Ok that said, here goes with my real entry:

Day 2

Today was ROUGH. Last evening, Pied Piper and I talked in my room for a while about how he can get Colada to be more available. It sounds like she hasn’t had a lot of serious relationships (if any) and is a work-a-holic so last month, somewhat hindered by travel, they only saw each other once….far too little for his taste. So I was helping him figure out how to tell her what he wanted. I didn’t mind helping – frankly, I kind of enjoyed it. I’m good at it and it makes me feel needed. Buuuttt….then I want to hear how things went. I want to see if what he did/said worked. I want to feel appreciated for my efforts – especially because I’m not actually comfortable with this situation. So basically, I’m helping him because I want to be supportive, even though it’s not my preference. Naively, I assume that a) he will appreciate my help, b) he will like me more, c) I will feel good that I was helpful, and d) I will feel more involved with him, and by extension her. WRONG-O.

I was doing well when I went to bed. I had a nice glass of wine, I lit my candles, I set up my blog – and then went to bed. But I realized I forgot my vibrator and texted him to bring down for me. He texted back saying he would send her and that I should confirm receipt (so the kids wouldn’t find it in the hall – yikes! Haha). I didn’t get the text until almost 2am though because I had fallen asleep. But now I’m nervous – she’s HERE? Or is he joking? (he does that a lot) Is she in MY bed having sex with MY husband? I text him back asking. No response. I check ALL NIGHT LONG – never a response. 6:30am, he texts me asking if I’ll nurse the baby in our/his room (who’s room is it now? I don’t know – I suppose it’s his). Before getting the baby though, I pop my head in and sit on the bed. I’m DYING to know what happened. He confirms she was there, that she left early, and “she says she’ll try.” I’m like – well, that’s the punchline – what are the details/nuances? I wanted to know how he was feeling – good? Happy? Excited? Appreciative? Did he like me more? No – he was tired. I was pissed. I hadn’t slept all night waiting to know and I got nothing. Not a single bit of excitement, inclusion, etc. I’m ok with not sharing details that would make her uncomfortable – I just want details about him and how it fits into our relationship. Instead, I felt rejected, stupid, left out, underappreciated, and angry. He got to have all the fun and didn’t have any energy left over for me – or the family. I got everyone in the house ready, got myself ready, got the house ready – he just slept in. :/

Work was rough too. I felt sick to my stomach much of the day and cried several times. When I came home, I had to turn right around to take my mom to the airport. He gave me a hug and said we’d talk when I got home. But when I got home, he immediately handed me the baby and started working on his computer. I was like – What are you doing? And I got the “what’s your problem look” – which just set me off even more. I said – you said we’d talk when I returned and he said, not immediately when you return. I responded – but I’m leaving in 20 minutes to take the other child to sports (which he knew) so when were you planning on talking? He said “tonight” – then why didn’t you just say that before? He didn’t know. I was numb.

Sports was good though – got my mind off everything. I talked with the other parents and focused on my child (which always makes me happy) I came home to a request to share dinner and a coffee with Bailey’s – and sweetness from him. I don’t know how the evening will go but we’ll see.

But they slept in my bed. That’s tough to swallow. Having sex is one thing – sleeping together when I’m downstairs is another entirely.

Ok, vent out. Now, the real stuff – what am I going to learn today? I think I should come up with one clear rule I need and one clear task I can do to help myself be more centered. Here goes:

Rule #1: Share your feelings with me the first time you see me after seeing her….even if you’re tired, working, whatever. Take 10 minutes to make me feel included.

Task #1: Avoid seeing Piper before 5pm – jeez, that seems unfair. But if I go with 10am, he’s already working and cranky. Maybe I’ll ask him tonight what he thinks is reasonable because I think 5pm is not.
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Old 07-18-2012, 06:02 AM
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WTF!!! He had her over to YOUR house, with your kids in the house and didn't have the decency to discuss it with you first? In my mind this was beyond rude. It sounds like they are both trying to push you out completely. Do some tag searches on boundaries and foundations.

This behavior, especially after such a tragic loss, IMHO is a red flag for help. Look into seeking counseling, individually and together. Likely, you both need more attention than the other is capable of giving.
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Old 07-18-2012, 02:02 PM
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Hmmm, so much focus on sex rather than relationships. I think your hubs would do well to slow down and actually think things through a little bit more. Sheesh.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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Old 07-18-2012, 03:21 PM
PiedPiper PiedPiper is offline
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Cool read carefully

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
WTF!!! He had her over to YOUR house, with your kids in the house and didn't have the decency to discuss it with you first? In my mind this was beyond rude. It sounds like they are both trying to push you out completely. Do some tag searches on boundaries and foundations.

This behavior, especially after such a tragic loss, IMHO is a red flag for help. Look into seeking counseling, individually and together. Likely, you both need more attention than the other is capable of giving.

I would gently suggest that you re-read the post before making inflammatory comments. Not only was the visit discussed beforehand, my GF (I don't call her Colada) coming over was Pocket's idea. Her stress in this situation was in not knowing whether my GF actually did arrive as she fell asleep.

I have decided for the most part to stay out of these conversations, however I will correct misinformation where necessary. There are some key pieces of information missing in all of this, but for now I'll refrain from sharing them as this isn't my blog.

We are each grieving the loss of our daughter in our own ways.

As to Indie's comment about the sex, our relationship is complex and may or may not fit someone else's definition of poly. There is a psychological dom/sub bent to our interactions which we find mutually erotic. My occupation of the marital bed with my GF is just one example of this. Pocket would likely admit that she enjoyed our date last night.

I will be the first to admit that I have not handled things well in the past (the back story on some of that goes all the way back to my early childhood), however I'm working daily with Pocket to enhance our communication and determine new ways to foster and strengthen our relationship. Our hope is that Colada will be able to work through her anxiety.

Pied Piper.

Last edited by PiedPiper; 07-18-2012 at 07:07 PM. Reason: personal
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Old 07-18-2012, 03:39 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I'd gently suggest YOU reread .....your wife post. "she's here ...is he joking " sounded surprised and caught off guard.
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Old 07-18-2012, 04:34 PM
PiedPiper PiedPiper is offline
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Cool nuances

@Dingedheart:

We sat face to face, a foot apart, less than two hours before Colada arrived and discussed her visit. Pocket's reference is a metaphorical one indicating some level of psychological turmoil over the situation. I can assure you, she was neither surprised by nor unaware of the visit.

Apprehensive, yes. Unaware, absolutely not.

The anxiety stems from not having met Colada, which in turn is a function of Colada's own anxieties. As Piper mentioned in her blog intro, Colada has a fair amount of anxiety which has caused ongoing issues for some time. Pocket is fully supportive of my attempts to help Colada with those issues and has said so to me repeatedly both verbally and in writing. This blog is her vent/rant and may not include all of the information on any one topic. We've already jointly determined when/how I will break things off with Colada if we reach a point of no return. She's a phenomenal woman, but I won't allow her to ruin my marriage. I have offered to force Colada's hand and cut off further contact until she meets Pocket. Because of Pocket's background, she understands what's actually going on with Colada and is active in helping me work her through her anxiety.

The good news is this blog is helping me to key in on those areas where either I'm not understanding what Pocket is trying to tell me or she's not communicating clearly in person. I personally think there's a bit of both happening.

Pied Piper

Last edited by PiedPiper; 07-18-2012 at 09:07 PM. Reason: clarification
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Old 07-18-2012, 04:21 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PiedPiper View Post
I would gently suggest that you re-read the post before making inflammatory comments. Not only was the visit discussed beforehand, my GF (I don't call her Colada) coming over was Pocket's idea. Her stress in this situation was in not knowing whether my GF actually did arrive as she fell asleep.
Thanks for clearing that up - it didn't come across that way when I read it.

Quote:
We are each grieving the loss of our daughter in our own ways.
And your wife is still struggling ...

I see a number of red flags that tell me counseling could be extremely helpful, just the death of a child is reason in and of itself. It is usually the small things that can destroy a relationship and it can be very hard for those involved to figure out what they are, much less know how to verbalize it and find a solution.

Quote:
I'm working daily with Pocket to enhance our communication and determine new ways to foster and strengthen our relationship.

Last edited by SNeacail; 07-18-2012 at 07:42 PM.
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Old 07-19-2012, 12:30 AM
pocketpoly86 pocketpoly86 is offline
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Default Day 3

Wow. Breathe. hmmmm….

Well, it had been my intention to write a fairly positive entry today but the string of responses has taken me a bit by surprise so it looks like I need to respond before proceeding.

First to Pied Piper: While I appreciate you taking an interest in my journey, I am sad to see what you wrote here and surprised that in an IM earlier today, you stated that I would probably “appreciate” your comments. I’m afraid I do not in the manner they were provided. While I intended to clarify what I understood about your plans this week (referencing several comments about whether or not I was surprised Colada was sleeping in your bed), I didn’t get the chance to because you jumped in and wrote what seems to be a clarification of my knowledge on the subject. However, what you actually clarified was your understanding of the situation. I am more than willing to agree that we had a miscommunication – and clarify for everyone else that I don’t think there was malice involved, as it might seem – I do not agree, however, that I was using a metaphor of any kind. What would it be a metaphor of anyway? Dingedheart is absolutely correct – I was caught off guard. Let me clarify. Yes, we talked earlier in the evening. Yes, we discussed Colada’s anxieties and her lack of time commitment. And what I suggested to you was that simply telling her that you wanted to spend more time with her might not work because I suspected she didn’t know what that actually meant. I said that it’s like telling someone to be “nicer” – if they don’t know the operational definition of nice, then they don’t know how to do it more. You have to define the behaviors. So I asked you to role-play with me and define what you actually meant by more time. I suggested you start with Monday and walk through the week….and that’s what you did. You said, Colada, when I say more time, I mean on Monday we would do this, on Tuesday this, on Wednesday that, etc. Apparently, you believed you were simultaneously telling me that you intended to use this as an actual schedule with her this week. However, I thought we were just talking about a hypothetical possible schedule. We also discussed that she likely had to work that night and wasn’t available and that you would give her three requests for this week’s goals (not that night’s) – one of which was to come to the house while I was there. We also both agreed that she was unlikely to be comfortable enough to do it. So basically, while we did talk, I did not understand what you meant and was expecting that you only might even get a chance to talk with her that night. And that if that discussion was very successful, she would come to the house some time during the week. I assumed (bad on me) that I would be updated after your discussion and told when that night would be. I did not think it was even in the realm of possibility that you would be able to convince her to come over after calling her after 10pm-ish – she’s known for putting you off for days or weeks! So no, I didn’t think she would be there that night.

Punchline: We did talk, but it was not clear to me, and I was surprised.

SNeacail – Pied Piper is correct in that it can be arousing to me to have her there but can is the operative word. In truth, I don’t really like being in control. I am typically seen as a very controlling person. But in reality, I prefer to take a back seat. The problem for me is that I like things to be done right – so if the person is smart enough to do a good job, I am more than happy to back off. However, if I perceive that person as incapable, then I will jump in and get the job done myself. Because typically the latter is the case, I end up in control often – but it is decidedly not my preference. In the bedroom, I find it highly erotic to be teased though I’m not sure I totally qualify as submissive because I don’t like being ordered around. It tends to confuse Piper a lot. He wants to just tell me what to do and oftentimes it is outside, sometimes, way outside my comfort zone so I end up upset that he would tell me to do something he knows is too far for me. I prefer a gentler approach – coaxing, teasing, subtle reminders. The condoms is a good example – it’s a subtle reminder to me that he’s not using them with her. Another good example is that once she left him a shirt in an airport locker that she had worn so when he came home from work travel, he smelled like her and that really turned me on. So Piper is correct that there is a bit of D/S to our sexual relationship – and I am interested in exploring that further but what is a struggle is how exactly to execute it. There is a fine line between being dominant and controlling. We are still working on figuring that out.

Your other point that we both need more attention than either can give – that is spot on correct. Underlying Piper’s interest in another person – is the need for more attention, at least, that’s my belief. He also hopes that someone could give me the emotional support I crave. I don’t think, however, think that adding another person is the ideal way to do that – but I’m not sure I have a vote in that so I’m trying to make the best of it.

Nycindie: You are correct – too much focus on sex. That has always been the case, from my perspective anyway. Having said that, what I was actually planning to write about today was his discussion with Colada the other night. They actually didn’t have sex. I just found out last night. He apparently told her that he is looking for more than lust – he wants to be with someone that can become part of our life and it’s not all about sex. There was more to the discussion – I have to admit, it all sounded quite mature and appropriate (yes, ok, I’ll admit, I was surprised – Piper is not exactly known for being the best communicator) – but I have to give him credit. It sounded very promising to me. I have no idea what she thought but I felt like he was thinking and being appropriate. I said – wow, jeez, I’m jealous, can you find someone to help you communicate with me like that? It seems I can’t both be in the role of therapist and recipient of his comments. Not that I would want to be – it would just be nice to have someone he could talk to, to help him better communicate with me.

Ok, now, my thoughts for day 3:

Last night was good. He ordered us dinner and we had a mini date. He filled me in on the discussion with Colada and I was impressed with how he handled it. He wanted to follow with sex but I wasn’t sure. We started in my room (I do love saying that, btw) but then the baby monitor wasn’t working so we had to end it or venture upstairs to his room. Ahhh, reality bites at times. Well, I thought for a while and decided to join him, but not all night. We did have sex for a while and it was very nice, all warm fuzzies and what-not but I did leave. I have to admit while I enjoyed it, I was still a little skiddish from recent events…some things to consider. But it was satisfying and went probably as good as it could have – so I was feeling happier and giving. I told him to call her and share the rest of the evening with her – which I’m told she really liked.

But, sadly, I didn’t sleep most of the night…again…because I wasn’t sure if she was here again or not. Which brings me to my points for the day.

First, I have to clarify that we agreed on a time that he can feel awake enough to share that isn’t 5pm. He agreed to 8am and that works for me. It went well this morning – we’ll see if/how it continues.

Rule #2: Text me when she arrives and when she leaves. (we’ll try this out – I don’t want to be too intrusive, but I also must sleep and not feel sick. If it doesn’t work, or if it bothers her, we’ll revisit this rule – but it’s a starting point)

Task #2: Think about how I can decorate my room to create a retreat of sorts – a place where I can feel calm and escape the realities of everyday life. I actually told several of the women at work today that I decided to take a time-out and that I moved down stairs. I talked to one of the women who runs a fairly serious fashion blog about getting her to do a full closet make-over for me. I also talked about how I can decorate this room to achieve the balance I need in my life. It felt good to share some of my journey and it reminded me that the poly questions are only some of what I am working through. I need to be comfortable with me and centered before I can truly sort out how the poly lifestyle can or cannot work in my life. Today, I took one more step….
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