Mono Wife - Secondary? What?

[pocketpoly86]

Well, yeah - so the title says it all - ok, maybe not all but a lot. I'm new here and decided tonight that I'm going to start a blog to help me with my personal journey. I just moved downstairs from my husband who is working hard to make his GF his primary. I'm mono but he's decidedly poly - it's been very difficult for me. So I'm here to learn more and work on me.

Any/all input welcomed!

[KyleKat]

Originally Posted by pocketpoly86

Well, yeah - so the title says it all - ok, maybe not all but a lot. I'm new here and decided tonight that I'm going to start a blog to help me with my personal journey. I just moved downstairs from my husband who is working hard to make his GF his primary. I'm mono but he's decidedly poly - it's been very difficult for me. So I'm here to learn more and work on me.

Any/all input welcomed!

It's my belief that as your husband, he's made a commitment to you. Why are you being relegated to the lower levels of the house?

As the secondary, are you taking on secondary roles? No longer responsible for chores, bills, etc? Not to pour salt on the wound here but I just don't see the logic here.

[LovingRadiance]

I'd have to say-it's always good to write. Helps a lot to order your mind.

But, for replies-it would be helpful if we had a better picture of the situation.

Welcome to the board.

[LadyKane]

Yes, please expand....

I'm feel like to be able to give sound advice and help in relating to your situation, more information is necessary. But once it's given, I'm sure we would all love to help you sort through things.

Welcome

[km34]

For those of you that have been wondering, the beginning to her journey has been posted in the blog section.

Welcome, Pocketpoly, and I hope that you get the support and/or feedback you are looking for from the wonderful people here. Your journey has been and will continue to be an interesting one, I'm sure, so thank you in advance for sharing it with us!

[Mommyinthecloset]

im clearly very new to this but.. secondaries dont have responcibilities? (chores/bills/etc?)

[CielDuMatin]

Originally Posted by pocketpoly86

Well, yeah - so the title says it all - ok, maybe not all but a lot. I'm new here and decided tonight that I'm going to start a blog to help me with my personal journey. I just moved downstairs from my husband who is working hard to make his GF his primary. I'm mono but he's decidedly poly - it's been very difficult for me. So I'm here to learn more and work on me.

Any/all input welcomed!

I posted on your blog post already.

If you guys are all living together, sharing bills, sharing child-rearing duties and making decisions together, then you aren't his secondary, you are a joint primary, with everything that entails.

Being a primary or secondary has nothing to do with whose bed someone sleeps in, or who they have sex with. It's far more about the domestic arrangements and the decision-making and the degree of commitment present.

This is Poly (there can be joint primaries if it makes sense) not some bad Highlander plot ("There can be only One!").

[KyleKat]

This discussion is also why a lot of poly families don't like the primary/secondary/tertiary titles. They are confusing and cause a lot of grief.

[CielDuMatin]

Originally Posted by KyleKat

This discussion is also why a lot of poly families don't like the primary/secondary/tertiary titles. They are confusing and cause a lot of grief.

if they are misused (and they often are) then I totally agree.

Descriptive rather than prescriptive

[pocketpoly86]

I wanted to clarify why I'm considering a secondary role. First, I'm tired. I'd like to have fewer responsibilities. Second, it turns me on. Ok, I really hate admiting that but done right, it drives me nuts. Third, both of us are attracted to dominate people - who, at least in our experience, demand a more primary role to feel comfortable.

I believe I am ok taking a backseat so long as my needs are met. However, they are not much of the time. And, this past year has been particularly tough (lost a child and another spent 6 months in intensive care). So really, I need a break. I've asked for 30 days on my own to sort things out and get back in touch with me.

I started a blog on this site. I welcome and super appreciate any thoughts/input.

Thanks all for your points!!!