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Old 07-16-2012, 10:55 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Location: Oregon, USA
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Default Dating in the workplace - evolution of a boundary

Okay, so something big and unexpected happened to me today.

Seamus, my boyfriend, has always had a rule that he's not comfortable with my dating his coworkers, and I always understood that.
I have a big crush on a coworker of his, have had it for months, he knows about it, and I had made peace with the fact that nothing would happen unless one of them changed jobs, which was unlikely to happen.

Suddenly today, Seamus told me he supported me going further with his coworker, T. Keep in mind I didn't ask for it or anything like that. It was pretty unexpected. I asked him what brought this change of mind as he's been really uncomfortable with the idea long before I started developing said crush.
He said that one of the reasons was an ex-crush of mine getting married. I never got a chance to really try things out with him, or even be properly turned down. Seamus said he doesn't want that to happen again (although I was shocked by the news of the wedding, I wasn't that badly affected by it, so I'm not sure why it had so much effect on him).
Another reason is that he doesn't want to be the one standing in my way and bringing me down, he says.

Now, part of me is like "wow". But another part of me is like... It doesn't change anything, does it? They're still coworkers, and recently they started working more closely together. To make matters worse, they're not exactly on the same level in the hierarchy, with Seamus being a bit higher.
So, it would still be unfair for me to pursue a relationship that could potentially have negative consequences for both of them (from other coworker's opinions to drama between them) while I would be consequence-free.

I've very torn. I really, REALLY like T, and I feel like I could at least try to get closer to him, get to know him better, see how that goes. On the other hand, if it's a bad idea, it's a bad idea. I never had a problem with dating my own coworkers, but this is a bit different.
On the other, other hand, it feels like T might ave a say too. But if I ask him, I could make it awkward between Seamus and him even without a relationship there.

It seems to me it was all easier when the door was completely closed and I knew it wasn't even an option. Now he's fine with it, but there are still so many things to consider...
Right now, I'm thinking I'll give it some time. Seamus changed his mind kind of abruptly, he might change his mind again, I want to make sure nothing happens in the meantime. And then... I guess I'll see how things are at that point. But advice would be welcome, it's good to get different points of views, and I could be missing something obvious because I've got my face in it.
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Old 07-17-2012, 05:55 PM
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Alleycat Alleycat is offline
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 80

In my experience, it's always a terrible idea to dip your quill in the company ink, or in the company ink of a SO.

If things go poorly it can cause serious issues, dramma and gossip around the workplace, and in some cases can result in one or both parties getting fired.

And sadly if things go good it can cause even more serious dramma and gossip, and worse things as well anyone involved is in a position of authority over the other!
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Old 07-17-2012, 06:01 PM
KyleKat KyleKat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Illinois
Posts: 284

I work in a town where a disproportionate number of people work in the same company as me. So I have to be somewhat okay with this. My rule is no one in the same role or under the same manager or job. That way if I have to end it there will be very little interaction afterwards.
"Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is the regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." - Sydney Smith

Kyle: 27 year old male
Katie (rymmare): 25 year old female
Kids: girl: 5 years old, boy: 3 years old
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Old 07-17-2012, 06:42 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Location: Upstate New York, USA
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Is he "out" at work? if not, then this could cause even more than the usual issues....

The big issue is what happens afterwards - after the relationship has come to an end, which may or may not be very messy. Is there going to be massive awkwardness, or one or the other having problems getting promotions?

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
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Old 07-17-2012, 11:36 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
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Seamus has been out since day one, and a bunch of his coworkers knew when he was seeing someone else, and didn't seem to have any issues with it.

I think I'll see if they evolve in the company so that they're working on different projects rather than together, but if when we hang out (when I'm in the US I see his coworkers 2-3 times a week) some tension appears, I might get it out in the open just to get rid of the awkwardness. I'm in Europe right now though, so it's going to be months before I see him again anyways.

My main worry is that he'll get a girlfriend, be exclusive with her, and that I'll spend the rest of my life beating myself up for not even giving it a try, not ever knowing if he would have turned me down or not.
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Old 07-18-2012, 02:22 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Location: The Big Apple
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Do you always feel that crushes are opportunities? I don't. Most of the time, I just enjoy the crush without feeling like I have to see if it can be acted upon. To me, a crush is like a walk through a bright, colorful candy store full of my favorite treats -- fun to fantasize about having some, but no need to take it any further. Besides, I wouldn't think it's anything you need to worry about until you're back in the states. No need to fret at this point, right?
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.
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