Problems? I'm confused. HELP!

[VegasMamma]

So, I am fairly new to the whole poly thing... I've researched it and understand and am accepting of the dynamics involved

I met my "boyfriend" online many years ago. We flirted and had fun, hit it off, and I fell in love, so on and so forth. He told me he was married but that his wife was okay with our "relationship". In the process her and I became very good friends as well. It was always said that there was no problem with me sleeping with him if the opportunity ever arose.

So here I am now, moved from another state with my 2 children, living with them for the past 7 months, and he and I have obviously been sleeping together. They call me their 2nd wife, we are happy and get along perfectly. So what's the problem you ask?

Recently one of their ex girlfriends was over visiting and I caught the two of them in the bathroom messing around. Yes, jealousy hit hard, and I got angry... I was under the impression that if any one of us were wanting to bring someone new into the picture it was to be discussed.

So being angry and upset about what happened, my friends wife asks me, what was wrong, and I told her. Then she point blank asks me if I've been having a relationship with him. Well, yeah... WHAT!?!?! Um... I thought you knew! My feelings were that I wasn't going to discuss my sexual relationship I was having with him, just like I don't want to hear about their sexual relationship

So now she is angry she felt we lied to her, I'm angry because I thought she knew, and now she wants it to end between us.

I'm heartbroken that I now live here, my kids call them Dad and mamma and here I am being told that I can no longer have a sexual relationship with the man I love.

WHAT IS GOING ON HERE IF THEY LIVE A POLY LIFESTYLE? Am I missing something.

My suggestion is that we are all sitting down and talking about it because somewhere somehow something was misunderstood and that there is a lack of communication. But I'm confused how she can just make that decision and cut me off completely making me just a roomate

[dkj4]

I have to say this is crazy and unfair... comunication is the key and i know u know this since u said u will all need to sit down. but it seems there is more going on. they invite there ex over and thats a NO NO right there. so something was being done behind ur back. POLY doesnt mean they can keep inviting ppl in the relationship. also when u said can one just end the relationship the answer is yes and that stinks. what state are u in? how long have u known the bf online before moving in with them?

[VegasMamma]

I've known them both for 6 years, moved to Nevada

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by VegasMamma

It was always said that there was no problem with me sleeping with him if the opportunity ever arose.

Did she say this directly to you AFTER you moved in? Did you every bring it up to her or check in with her to she how she was handling things AFTER you started sleeping with her husband? Did the three of you ever sit down and discuss how/when she wanted to be informed that things had changed?

I was under the impression that if any one of us were wanting to bring someone new into the picture it was to be discussed.

The land of assumptions leads to getting bit in the ass more times than not, because nobody is "assuming" the same thing or everyone has different ideas of what was agreed upon.

My suggestion is that we are all sitting down and talking about it because somewhere somehow something was misunderstood and that there is a lack of communication. But I'm confused how she can just make that decision and cut me off completely making me just a roomate

Just as you were angry when you discovered your b/f making out with his ex, she is angry and could be making knee jerk reactions based on what she believes is betrayal by both of you. If she "assumed" she would be told when your relationship became sexual and no one bothered to tell her, it's not hard to see why she would think you guys were doing things behind her back. When you sit down to talk with each other do away with ALL assumptions. Never assume someone knows something, unless you have specifically told them, not just hinted at.

[VegasMamma]

Thank you SNeacail! I in no way meant to betray her, that is not the type of person I am, and I want her to fully realize that when we sit and talk. I really think the EX needs to sit in on this conversation too.

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by VegasMamma

Thank you SNeacail! I in no way meant to betray her, that is not the type of person I am, and I want her to fully realize that when we sit and talk. I really think the EX needs to sit in on this conversation too.

Of course you didn't mean to betray her, but that's likely how she is viewing the situation.

I don't see why the EX needs to be in on a conversation that is really about the relationship and boundaries of the 3 of you. Get the issues between the 3 of you worked out, then bring in the EX if there is going to be ongoing relationship with her also. The issue is about the communication and expectations the 3 of you and that all of you have been assuming and NOT communicating.

Good Luck!

[VegasMamma]

Any suggestions on moving forward from the heartache I feel? (This is a whole different ball game than a mono relationship) I mean, after all, it's not like I can just pick up and move out... I guess I am now just the roommate with a past.

[GalaGirl]

Any suggestions on moving forward from the heartache I feel?

Breathe. Give it time.

You are going to feel upset with him making out with the ex. Wife may feel upset on that too.

You are going to feel upset over wife just NOW learning you are lovers. Wife def feels upset on that too.

You can't help what you feel when you feel it. It's emotional storm inside. You don't get to choose to feel it or not.

What you DO get to choose is how to respond. You can choose REACT to the heat of the moment or you can choose ACT WITH INTENT. Emotional weather is just weather. To have sense to come in out of the rain is fine -- take a breather break. To burn the house down for not sheltering you enough from upset -- that could be a bit rash. So don't be breaking up or freaking out on your people just yet. Let yourself have time to cool off first. Let them have that time too -- they may say things in REACTION to the heat of the moment that may not be how they really mean it.

I'd suggest everyone take some time out to think about their needs, wants, and limits. Set an appt a week from now to go over it if all are willing. Establish your framework for conflict resolution because in life... there will be other conflict down the road. Learning how to ride it out together is part of the whole deal.

Me? How I'd do it? Spend that break time making your no more than one page bullet list and strip it down to the essential. Use "I" language.

• I want .... because...
• I need...because...
• I feel...because....
• I'd like to feel...because...
• My hard limits are...because...
• My soft limits (that could negotiate in time) are... because

Then start slotting into the right category. Don't worry about it being "reasonable" just yet. Just... get it out and slotted.

• Do you want to clear up assumptions? What are they? Anyone else have others?
• Do you want to apologize to wife for not checking in with her? (Did you assume he would?)
• Do you want him to apologize to both? (Did he assume you guys would sort it out among yourselves?)
• Do you want to know when/if other people will be on board?
• Do you want to know what we have here? (a triad? a V? just roomies?)
• How would you have preferred it go down? Why didn't it go down that way?
• How do you feel when in conflict? How you do process that? What do you need in terms of support to get through it well? What could they each need in turn? Is what you guess about what they need in the ball park for them or not?

Those kinds of questions... sorted into feel, want, need and limit piles.

Then rest it for a while and come back to it for the reasonable check.

• Are the things reasonable?
• Are there things that are still assuming?
• Are there things that are just expecting too much for what it is? Expecting too little?
• Are there too many "shoulds" and not enough "coulds" in there? (ex: He should know I don't like... I could be more vocal so he knows that I do not like....)

Hang in there. Breathe deep. Breathe long. Breathe slow. Recenter yourself and then take it one thing at a time.

Remember this is polymath. There are various relationships here that took a ding not just one relationship.

• Your relationship to yourself. You did not tell her you were lovers. You assumed things rather than taking responsibility. You may be upset with yourself.
  
• Your relationship to her - she may be upset you did not tell her you were lovers.
  
• Your relationship to him -- you may be upset he did not tell her. You may be upset he was making out with the ex without telling first.
  
• Her relationship to him -- he did not tell her you were lovers. He made out with the ex. There may be OTHER things you don't know about that he's shirked her on.
  
• His relationship to (you and her) -- Beware of him calling it like "all the girls are ganging up on me!"
  
• Your relationship to (him and her) -- Beware of you calling it like "the marrieds are ganging up on me!"
  
• Her relationship to (you and him) -- Beware of her calling it like "What am I? Chopped liver wife? You guys are ganging up on me!"
  
• Your relationship as a trio communicating as a trio. This sounds weak -- a lot of assuming before you moved in on how the relationship would be. Now you've got to lay that out in a time of duress and cloudy emotional weather rather than a time of clear emotional weather.

Each of these branches may need it's own kind of repair work. Again, breathe. Take it one thing at a time.

GL!
Galagirl

[PolyCNYM]

Originally Posted by SNeacail

Of course you didn't mean to betray her, but that's likely how she is viewing the situation.

I don't see why the EX needs to be in on a conversation that is really about the relationship and boundaries of the 3 of you. Get the issues between the 3 of you worked out, then bring in the EX if there is going to be ongoing relationship with her also. The issue is about the communication and expectations the 3 of you and that all of you have been assuming and NOT communicating.

Good Luck!

I agree. The EX does not need to be part of this conversation. Leave that for another place another time.

[CielDuMatin]

When it comes to what to do now, I think that GalaGirl has a fantastic approach which I would also endorse.

The lesson here, which is one we hear so often when it comes to relationships, is that stuff needs to be discussed with EVERYONE involved and highly DETAILED before any sort of commitment is made. Taking the word for it because someone may have hinted at you that it was ok, just doesn't cut it with issues that are so important, especially when it comes to moving yourself and family several states. This is your life and happiness at stake.

And it's not a question of not trusting someone's word - the saying is "Trust, but verify". One small conversation before you moved could have given you a heads-up to the fact that there may be an issue.

So you have been moved in together for 7 months and the wife is saying that she had no clue that you and he were having sex? How much communication do he and she have? Have you even had a discussion about boundaries for each of you, about safer sex practices? I am guessing that since this all seems to be based on assumption, there has been no such discussion.

Lots of issues, here, I'm afraid, a lot to do with the amount of time that has passed. I mean, if she didn't know, and he hadn't told her, then, from her perspective, he was cheating on her with you.... for 7 months...

Try to get this resolved one way or the other as quickly as you can so that you can start moving forward with your life, whatever that may end up being....