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Old 07-16-2012, 06:35 PM
katiesunshine katiesunshine is offline
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Default how soon should you meet your lover's girlfriend?

I just started seeing this guy who is in a polyamorous relationship. I should also say that I have n o intention of wanting something more serious from him. At our second date he said it was very important to him that i meet his girlfriend. I told him that I would like a little time to figure out what I was doing with him and basically just get to know him. Meeting his girlfriend so soon felt a bit awkward and I simply wasnt ready yet. After the third date I went along with meeting his girlfriend at a mutual workout. I thought it would be a good first meeting because we would be in the class working out and that would distract us from the awkwardness. However she never showed up, because she was too tired. Instead I was asked to come to their place the next day for our next date and then I could also meet her there. I must admit it felt a bit wierd and I said I wasnt ready for such a big step...I suggested she come to workout again next week. I was more ready for taking a smaller step.

So I am wondering here, am I breaking the 'rules' by wanting to take small steps? How soon 'should you meet your lover's girlfriend?
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Old 07-16-2012, 07:23 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Sometimes it's a good thing to test one's own boundaries and push beyond your comfort zone. However, there's nothing wrong with wanting to take your time, AND you shouldn't feel forced or coerced to do something you're not comfy with. If it feels like they are being too pushy about it, say so. Some metamours never meet and that's okay, too. There is no across the board requirement in poly that everyone must meet each other, or meet each other right away. If it would feel more comfortable to you, why not suggest just emailing or having a phone convo first, or that you wait until you know how serious you want to be about the relationship.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
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Old 07-16-2012, 07:57 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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It really depends.

In our dyanamic-no dates until they meet both of us. That meeting doens't have to spell out anything-it's design is for each of us to be sure that the new person is fully aware of our full commitment to one another and to avoid people who think that if they are good enough, we'll end our relationship (which is unfortunately too common).

So, if for example you were going to date my husband-you would have to meet us both for the first face to face meeting. Usually we go for coffee -or hanging at the park or something. Not big. There's no big "required conversation". Just a hi, I'm so and so and I'm so and so and I'm so and so.

At times I've even left after 10-15 minutes and gone to do my own thing-giving them time to themselves.

It's not the same as "meeting the family" and the purpose behind it is to avoid the "cowgirls" (or cowboys-except I'm not dating and he's straight.)
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Old 07-16-2012, 08:33 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I can understand wanting to met in a neutral ground (during the workout) rather than on their turf (their place). It might make you feel a bit trapped, and if something goes wrong, you're the one who has to go even if she's the one who gets upset.
I think first meetings are best in a neutral, preferably public place. I think meeting during the workouts is a good idea, if she is made uncomfortable by the idea that you guys are dating in the meantime, you can always postpone all dates until she's made one of the workouts (provided she doesn't keep missing them).
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Old 07-17-2012, 12:25 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Meeting at the swimming pool was a nightmare and frankly-meeting at a workout would be for me too.
Becuase that's where I find my zen-and its more personal for me than my home.

BUT-I do agree a neutral place away from both homes and away from any special/meaningful places for either is a must!
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Old 07-17-2012, 02:40 AM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Default No Timelines

I agree with most of what the previous replies have added. On your end, you decide your timeline, not anyone else... period. You're a grown person and one of the great things about my personal poly outlook is that no one has any rights over my time/body/emotions... none whatsoever. If I have a care to accept a request to meet someone then I will do so, if I don't then I will not.

"Let's give it a bit more time" sounds like you are being quite reasonable. If their relationship demands that you have to meet her immediately then maybe it doesn't work out. You'll just need to decide that for yourself.

Personally I would find the entire discussion very off putting. I saw a profile on a dating site where the girl linked her boyfriend's profile and said that any suitors would need to talk to him before gaining access to her. Yeeeaaaah that's not going to work for me. I don't want to be involved in a relationship where anyone involved feels that they have the right to tell me what I need to do, when, or how. I'm looking for romance, not a new employer.
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