Jealousy

[BohemianMLHR81]

I have spent tha last 3 hours reading post after post of what is suppose to be mature secure people who are in the polyamory lifestyle. As a single woman I would run from almost every couple that have posts in here. All I see is insecurities, whining, and jealousy because a partner makes a connection with someone. From my understanding of the difference between Swinging and Polyamory is a connection! Without emotions, feelings, connections all you have is sex! It really makes me wonder if I joined the right site to find mature adults who have sense enough to actually realise that a person can love more than one partner. Some people have no business in either the swinging lifestyle or polyamory.

[KyleKat]

Most the new people that start out here, myself included, join because they are having difficulty coping with something they've been taught all their life is immoral. Others are posting about their insecurities and seeking guidance of getting past that. People don't join forums to profess how easy life is. That's both boring to read and to talk about. Not everyone who posts here is interested in being poly either. There are mono people who join to get help or perspective about their significant other, people who have been asked to consider poly, and all sorts of stuff.

If you think this is a swingers board you should go look at swingersboard.com. I was actually told by people there to not even attempt to include emotions because that is disaster. So no, this isn't just some swingers board masquerading as polyamory. This is a place where like minded people can talk about their issues.

[BohemianMLHR81]

I do believe kat that you missed the point of my post. If this is indeed a site for people who want loving relationships with more than one person than I am indeed on the correct site. The point of my post that you obviously missed is the fact that there are hundreds of posts made by people who claim to be in a poly relationship and are bent out of shape because their partner developes a connection of emotions with another person which is the whole basis of a poly relationship. As I stated in my post if emotions, feelings, love, is NOT present then you simply have sex. SEX is NOT polyamory.
Then again maybe I am on the wrong site since I do want the love with multiple people and most of the people on here posting do not want their partners to have any feelings for the other people all as it bruises their egos.
I have been in the swinging lifestyle longer than either you or your wife have been alive. I am well aware of what being a swinger is. If all I wanted was non attachment sex I would be on a swingers site! I have also had several poly relationships in the past that was built on love and the jealousy displayed in some of these posts was no where in the equasion of my past relationships.

[Tonberry]

I don't personally have issues with jealousy in polyamory at this time, but I don't think it's bad that people do. They post here because they want to work through it. They don't take the position that if they're jealous, then they're right, and the situation is wrong, and poly is wrong. They try to figure out what causes the jealousy and they fix that.

I have 3 brothers and as a kid, there was jealousy all around from all of us. But we knew it wasn't right to be jealous of your siblings so we worked it out. Just knowing it didn't make it go away though.

Some people are more jealous than other, but being fit for poly doesn't mean you never experience jealousy, it means you know how to deal with it and move past it. I think acknowledging one's weaknesses is a form of maturity, and the people who post here and admit that they are jealous are showing aspects of themselves that a lot of people would want to hide. But they put it here for all of us to see so that we can help them through it. I don't think it's immature.

Also keep in mind that some threads have a venting aspect to them. People who have no place to talk about these things (mostly because people would probably just tell them "he/she is cheating, dump them!" or would say "well it's your fault for being poly" or just wouldn't understand at all) come to the forums, and here they can talk, and sometimes it all comes out in ways that aren't necessarily pretty. But then you can sort through the feelings and see what to bring up to your partners, instead of having that explosion of feelings in front of them and compromising one or more relationships.

Some people can analyse their feelings and have calm conversations with their partners and sort everything that way. These people have no need to post about it here though. So of course the people who do post are those who need some help dealing with their feelings and want an outside perspective to know where the line is between jealousy that should be worked on, and feelings that just mean someone is treating you like crap and you should confront them.

[NovemberRain]

I'm wondering, Bohemian, what you're hoping to get out of this thread or this forum by starting out with scolding the people of this forum. ?

I'm also wondering how you missed all the love and success that other see when they read here.

[BohemianMLHR81]

I really do not know at this point. I came to this site to find a couple for a loving relationship free of childish issues. IMO the whole purpose of having a poly relationship is to have love and emotions involved instead of just having casual NSA partners. My ex husband and I had an open relationship free of all jealousy. the people that he and i both chose to have relationships with were also free of all jealousy. We all were mature enough to realise that it is possible to love more than one person. But I am sorry the feeling that I got by reading countless posts was that the people posting did not want their spouse loving anyone but them. This is the impression that I as an individual got from reading these posts. I am not here for casual NSA no emotion, no feeling, no love, sex. I can get that on any swingers site.

[BohemianMLHR81]

Thank you for a well thought out reply. I understand that jealousy is a human emotion. That was not what has turned me off. The fact that they made an issue of a human emotion with their spouses and then tried to make those spouses feel guilt is the turnoff. Again I am not attacking. I am giving my perspective as a single woman as to what I am reading in these posts and how I as a single woman would NEVER enter into a relationship with any couple who have these issues on their plate. And if for some reason those issues did develope while I were involved with a couple I would exit stage left.

[dragonflysky]

"My ex husband and I had an open relationship free of all jealousy. the people that he and i both chose to have relationships with were also free of all jealousy. We all were mature enough to realise that it is possible to love more than one person..."

"As for my state of being single. My husband decided that the sexual freedom he had was not enough so he had sex with my daughter at the age of 14."



Ummmm....maybe your ex was "mature enough" to realize it's possible to love more than one person...........but when that "one person" included sex with your 14 year old daughter...this fails to reassure me of exactly how mature at least one of the individuals in your polyamorous relationships really were... Just saying......

[Emm]

Originally Posted by NovemberRain

I'm wondering, Bohemian, what you're hoping to get out of this thread or this forum by starting out with scolding the people of this forum. ?

It's classic Concern Troll behaviour.

[Marcus]

Originally Posted by BohemianMLHR81

I have spent tha last 3 hours reading post after post of what is suppose to be mature secure people who are in the polyamory lifestyle. As a single woman I would run from almost every couple that have posts in here. All I see is insecurities, whining, and jealousy because a partner makes a connection with someone. From my understanding of the difference between Swinging and Polyamory is a connection! Without emotions, feelings, connections all you have is sex! It really makes me wonder if I joined the right site to find mature adults who have sense enough to actually realise that a person can love more than one partner. Some people have no business in either the swinging lifestyle or polyamory.

I am brand spankin' new to these boards and I have certainly found that there are a lot of questions, quite a bit of insecurity, and high intensity emotions abound. Many of what I suspect are the more veteran members (of the board and the community I suppose) go about their relationships in a way that I simply cannot relate to and am currently scratching my head about.

There is a great deal of wisdom here though. I hope that you can calm down long enough to see it.

In case it didn't translate, that's my nice way of saying "Oh please, like your shit doesn't stink"