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  #1  
Old 07-13-2012, 08:13 AM
janndemery janndemery is offline
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Unhappy always in love

I am a 43 year old woman, been divorced 4 times and loved each one, now I am in a relationship with 2 men who I love dearly, they know of each other but not that I love them both and spend time with both, I find it easy because one works the night shift and one the day, I have time for both and when one leaves I actually cry, I don't want to ever have to say good bye to either of them, I find it intoxicating to be with both I feel they should look at the both of them moving in with me and letting me be me by loving them both, I have been doing it for some time and find it easy to make them both feel like they are special at all times, I just dont know what I would do if I had to loose one of my loves but am at a lose at going about telling them
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Old 07-13-2012, 08:24 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Welcome to the site!

There are a lot of stories around here about how people told their loved ones about polyamory. Some things you might find handy are the threads tagged "coming out" and the ones tagged "mono/poly" (assuming one or both men are mono).

I think one of the important things is just to try to be calm and understand that a freaking out period is pretty normal from people who expect monogamy and then find out their loved one is actually poly. If the guys know about each other, then it might not be as surprising to them as it is to others, but they still may need a significant amount of time to adjust to the idea.

I do wonder how they know about each other yet don't know that you spend time with the other? Is it just that they don't know how MUCH time you spend with the other or does one or both of them think that while you used to be seeing someone else, you are just with him now?

How long have you been with each one? Has it been long enough that you would consider cohabitation? I would definitely think that would need to wait and wouldn't be something you would bring up right of the bat. I mean, accepting your girlfriend is polyamorous and in love with another man as well as you is a huge step, trying to accept that she actually wants to move both of you in is something else altogether.
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Old 07-13-2012, 08:55 AM
janndemery janndemery is offline
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well been with J for a little over a year and with R for 5 to 6 months, and yes they think that I was with someone else but now just with the one, J knows more and I have infact brought up to him why I just couldn't have the both of them living with me, I think I could talk to J about it but R is older and more old fashion, my family knows about the both of them my brother laughs about the whole thing thinking its all about a sexual nature, but in fact I truly love them both and sex is not a huge part, maybe with R more just because he really hasnt in 6 years and now loves to but he always asures me that he loves me for more than sex, he is the one that wants to marry me, but marriage to me is out of the question because where would that put J, I feel if I told R that I am still seeing J he would leave me altogether and that would break my heart
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Old 07-13-2012, 09:08 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Does R think you're in an exclusive relationship with him?
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Old 07-13-2012, 09:14 AM
janndemery janndemery is offline
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yes he does, but when he gets mad at me he will leave and go live in an extra room at his ex wifes house
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Old 07-13-2012, 09:31 AM
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Emm Emm is offline
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Does that justify cheating on him?
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Old 07-17-2012, 01:51 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by janndemery View Post
he is the one that wants to marry me, but marriage to me is out of the question because where would that put J, I feel if I told R that I am still seeing J he would leave me altogether and that would break my heart
Living a double life is not living at all.

I don't envy you your position but it is entirely of your own design. If you choose to do the right thing and be honest with these men you may well lose one or both of them. If you choose to continue lying to them and running around behind their backs, treating them as if they are children who cannot handle the truth then you will keep these feelings you have now.

You are going to need to make the call, is honesty and the risk of loss better than keeping what you have now?
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