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  #1  
Old 07-11-2012, 02:49 PM
nessamarie nessamarie is offline
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Default Questions about being Poly

I just joined this website yesterday and have some questions, maybe someone would be kind enough to shed some light for me.

My partner and I are bi-sexual, in a mono relationship for 11 years, with some alternative lifestyle activities in the swinging world. We were unsatisfied with that, and feel a LTR with another man or woman or both is more suitable to us. However, we want this to be a shared experience. We don't want to date mono. Is this the right place for us? Do people share all, most of the posts I have been reading are about couples with permission having singular relationships with others. We want to add to our relationship and family with others, does anyone have some advice or wisdom to share?
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  #2  
Old 07-11-2012, 06:09 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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There are quite a few people who come and go around here that, like you, only want to date as a couple. The problem with this goal is that it is often difficult to find people who are interested in two people and are okay with the preconceived 2+1 (or 2+2) attitude that often comes with it. Instead of feeling like it is 1+1+1 where everyone is equal, there is often an idea that the original couple is more important and that the relationship between the two is sacred whereas the relationship(s) with the third person is destined to always be of lesser consequence.

Group relationships are also more difficult many times because of the sheer number of relationships that are within them. If you two start dating someone, you have you+original partner, you+new partner, new partner+original partner, and all three of you together to maintain. Add a fourth person if you meet another couple and you add a bunch more relationships.

You also have to face the idea of the person(s) initially falling for both of you, but eventually coming to love only one while being fond of the other as a friend or possibly vaguely romantically without "loving" whole-heartedly. You can't force a person to care more than they care, so would the relationship end as soon as it isn't equal for both of you or would it be allowed to go on as more of a vee (two people involved with one person without being involved with each other) instead of a triad (all three involved with one another)?

So... It's complicated. You CAN date as a couple, but be prepared for a lot of struggles. Generally people find it easier to date separately, and if a triad or quad happens to develop, view it as an awesome bonus.
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Old 07-11-2012, 06:57 PM
niceinjeans niceinjeans is offline
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Default my impressions

I agree with what km34 has said.

Quote:
Originally Posted by km34 View Post
Generally people find it easier to date separately, and if a triad or quad happens to develop, view it as an awesome bonus.
I specifically want to highlight the above. My wife and I started down this road a few years ago and quickly learned it is smoother going dating separately. While we are not opposed to triads or quads or any other configuration, we do not actively look for that now.

NIJ
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Old 07-11-2012, 09:22 PM
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DarayTala DarayTala is offline
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I will agree that dating as a couple is a whole lot more difficult, and opens you up to a lot more problems aside from the usual issues people deal with in polyamory. Here are some questions I would ask yourself before deciding to find a third party for your relationship:

What happens if you find someone who wants to be with you both, but loves one of you more than the other?
What if they are sexually attracted to one of you more than the other?
What if they get close to you at different rates?
What happens if one of you has an argument with the new person, how will you handle it, will there be taking of sides or can the other of you be impartial?
What if you both fall in love with someone, but find later that one of you is not compatible with this person, will the relationship be allowed to continue with the other person?
Do you want a relationship in which you are all equal, or would you insist on your partnership being above either of your relationships with the new person?
If you do expect that, what happens if one of you ends up developing a closer relationship with the new person than what you have now?

The thing to realize is you can't control how much someone will fall in love with another person, at what rate and what time frame it will happen, what the sexual connection will be, and so on. If you are expecting someone who will love both of you just as much, and be sexually attracted to both of you the same amount, be prepared for a lot of disappointment. Also, realize that you each will be forming separate relationships with this person, and the same as you may want alone time with eachother, you and the new person will also likely need some alone time away from the triad as a while. In addition, unless they are going to be allowed to have other outside partners, and sometimes even if they are, you have to either be willing to make it an equal relationship, or invite resentment and non-fulfillment on the part of the third. I'm not trying to say a triad can't work, I've been involved in a few and they can. I just think its good to prepare for the extra difficulties, figure out if you are suited to having a triad, and figure out what you are comfortable with before problems come up.
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Old 07-11-2012, 10:04 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Your question is whether this is the right place for you guys.

Yes, it is. There are people looking for a unicorn (a third partner for a triad, usually female but in your case either would work) and there are people currently in triads.
I think actual triads are less likely for the reasons other people mentioned, but you'll find that people looking for "a third" are way more common than people looking for a partner for just one person (at least it seems way more common to me, I could be wrong I guess).

Either way, I wish you the best of luck and I hope you find a partner or two who will make you happy.

How would you feel about a square that isn't a quad? What I mean is, how would you feel if you met another couple, and each of you dated one person from the couple, but not the same one? Would that still work for you, or would you want everyone to be involved with everyone?
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  #6  
Old 07-11-2012, 11:08 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Any time you make the existence of one relationship a condition for the existence of another -- any time you say "lf you want to be with one of us, you have to be with both of us", whether to a single person or to a couple, you set yourself up for 50 kinds of pain, imho. Some relationships succeed, others fail, that's just life. As such, predicating the existence of relationship X on the success of relationship Y just ends up being cruel for all involved. That's based on everything I've seen from years doing poly and reading here. I would strongly advise against it. There's nothing wrong with stumbling into a triad or quad, but trying to build them goes badly.

I encourage you to do a tag search for "unicorn hunters" for more perspectives. Also, a number of us theorized extensively on the topic here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23779

Best of luck in whatever you decide to pursue!
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #7  
Old 07-12-2012, 12:23 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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In theory-this seems great.
But, in reality-it tends to fail before it starts-for precisely the reasons listed above.

THAT DOESN'T mean it's impossible.

But something I suggest considering is this-

many people note that when they were LOOKING for a partner, they couldn't find anyone.
But, as soon as they stopped looking-the perfect person just appeared in their life.

Likewise-if you make a rule and you are looking for something specific-it tends to evade you.
But, if you just go out socially and get to know others on a friendly basis with an open mind toward the possibilities-you may find the perfect scenario drops right into your lap.
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  #8  
Old 07-12-2012, 05:37 AM
nessamarie nessamarie is offline
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Default Thanx!

Wow...I am totally enamored with the responses...so thought out, so much info and now, so much to ponder. I do see all these points, they seem valid, logical and reasonable. Just never thought of it...I think I just figured that myself and partner were so in-tune, that adding another would just flow...wasn't really thinking of love or attraction being more towards one of us or not at all...because I feel he is so easy to love and hopefully vice-versa...that it would just all fall into place so easily! Thank You all, for all the feedback and now, I am sure many discussions and individual thinking sessions will ensue!
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  #9  
Old 07-12-2012, 06:34 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Ohmygosh, thank you for hearing what we were saying with an open mind!! You don't know how many people have come here with this same scenario, have been given the same advice, and have just not wanted to hear it. I can't speak for anyone else, but I know for myself that the reason I keep posting these sorts of responses is in the hopes that at least occasionally someone will have the reaction you had. So, just, thank you, seeing that made my night.
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The major players. Me, 30ish bi female. Gia, girlfriend of 4+ years. Clay, boyfriend/dom. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eddie, roommate & fwb.
The supporting cast. Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler. Dexter, Gia's lover. Helen, Eric's lover. Izzy and Nikki, Clay's partners. Liam, Eddie's husband.
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  #10  
Old 07-12-2012, 04:29 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
Ohmygosh, thank you for hearing what we were saying with an open mind!! You don't know how many people have come here with this same scenario, have been given the same advice, and have just not wanted to hear it. I can't speak for anyone else, but I know for myself that the reason I keep posting these sorts of responses is in the hopes that at least occasionally someone will have the reaction you had. So, just, thank you, seeing that made my night.
+1!
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