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  #1  
Old 07-10-2012, 11:45 AM
mostlyclueless mostlyclueless is offline
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Default Threesome gone wrong

Great date ends in threesome. After a while I am not really enjoying it and feeling ready to wrap it up. The other people keep going at it. No one has made me come, my primary is trying to give the other girl a second orgasm -- he has never made me come more than once, or even tried. I feel so stupid for caring so much about something so petty. After a few subtler attempts, I had to ask them to just stop. I couldn't handle it.

After the other person left I had a huge fight with my partner, I was so angry with him, and he was angry with me.

I am so embarrassed and feel so guilty. I took 2 sleeping pills and haven't really slept. Please someone tell me how I fix this. What should I do.
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  #2  
Old 07-10-2012, 11:53 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Eeeh.... threesomes always sound good in theory but they can be tricky. Often, one person gets more attention than another and it can be the case that this person is often the one who is the newest addition.

It could be that your boyfriend is not as interested in you sexually, that he doesn't care if you have an orgasm or not, that he is really interested in this other girl. That's where your fear obviously took you in the moment.

Or it could be all manner of other things. Your boyfriend could feel incompetent at making you come and has stopped trying. He could have thought it was turning you on to watch the two of them. He could have been simply trying to 'perform', give this other girl a good time whilst not realising he was causing a reaction in you.

Someone on here (GalaGirl) gave me a great analogy about poly. She said it's like a water bed. You're comfy enough and then someone adds extra people to the bed. It bobbles about and people become uncomfortable. If the water bed is already wobbly, it's not a good idea to add extra people to it at that time.

If you have some sexual issues to work out... it's not always the best idea to add an extra person to the mix. If you feel sexually unfulfilled or neglected, you have to address those issues. Like anything in life, it's safer and better to be in good solid place before you shake things up.

Talk to your boyfriend... tell him why you had the response... don't accuse him or shout at him... try to talk it through calmly.

It's not ideal that you asked them to stop... but emotions happen. Sometimes we just cannot bear to stay in a situation. It would have been better to remove yourself, rather than asking them to stop, but we all make split decisions in the moment.

Take some deep breaths... think about the underlying issues... and communicate with your boyfriend... once you understand each other, look at practical ways you can work better in the future. Agree on whether or not it's ok to stop a threesome in the middle of it and how either of you could best go about it if you need to step away.
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  #3  
Old 07-10-2012, 01:31 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Funny! I was thinking about starting a thread with a similar premise, entitled "How in the hell do you do triads?" Think I'll just glom onto this one instead.

Background, I am a cis-gendered woman, genderqueer though, in a relationship with a transwoman, miss pixi. We've been together 3 1/2 years, deeply in love. I've been dating men since she and I met, but no one really worked out until January of this year, when I met The Ginger. He is a cis-gendered male, but IDs as genderqueer like me. We are all pansexual.

Turns out, miss pixi and Ginger are attracted to each other, liking the same qualities in each other that I like in both. miss p and I have dated separately since we met, she's had 2 bfs in the past 3 yrs but isn't seeing anyone else right now.

Her sex drive comes and goes, but Ginger is a horndog, like me. He expressed being open to sex with miss p, in a 3some configuration, because he likes feeling "overwhelmed" during sex. Plus, he just likes her a lot and thinks she's adorable.

So, we've had 3some sex twice in the past month or so. I agreed to it with trepidation because my attempts at 3 or 4somes in the past have not worked out well.

So, the first time went quite well. Last Friday it happened again. miss p was at my place, and Ginger was coming over. She was nervous beforehand, since she was feeling "pressured" to have sex with him/us. I assured her I wasn't highly motivated to do it either. Relax. It could end up we all just snuggle on the couch and watch a movie.

So, he came over around 3 and we all went for a swim at a local lake. When we got home, Ginger and I went to the guest room and had sex, while miss p went to change, and ended up taking an hour nap. After all that, we ate dinner.

Then, some cuddling on the couch together. I was up and down, finishing up kitchen cleanup. I looked over from the kitchen area to the living area in the great room and to my surprise, those two were making out madly.

I was pretty satisfied from my session with Ginger, but interested in joining in. So, I lit a candle and some incense to increase the romantic feeling, for my own benefit. Went over to the couch but they both ignored me. Ginger had slid to his knees in front of her. I got behind him and kinda rubbed on him, touched his ass etc. Didnt get an acknowledgment.

So I got up on the couch next to miss p. They kept on doing their thing. She looked at me and smiled, but Ginger was busy doing stuff to her. Finally miss p and I started kissing and Ginger noticed and seemed to enjoy the sight.

So, he got in 69 position over us and that was fun. I finally got some direct sexual stimulation. but the position was awkward on the couch and so I suggested moving to the bed, thinking there would be room for 3way sex play there.

However when we got in bed, Ginger went back to paying attention only to miss p, and I was kind of off to the sidelines once again. Finally I stroked her and made her cum. Then Ginger seemed done as well (he didnt cum, but he isnt orgasm focused). She was in the middle and we cuddled, but I was turned on, hadn't cum yet (and I am a multi/mega orgasmic woman...) I had to ASK Ginger to get me off. He said, "But then I have to stop looking into someone's eyes." Her eyes.

But he complied and I had my spasms.

So, after that he was ready for bed. I spent the night w miss p and he slept in the guest room. In the morning I went in to him and we had a nice session.

tbc
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #4  
Old 07-10-2012, 01:44 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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So... in the 5 days since, we've been processing what went on. Ginger admitted he purposely focused on her, as he wanted to emotionally bond with her. I am naive about 3way sex. I had thought the point was to have all 3 people be simultaneously stimulated the majority of the time, but both times we've done this, I've been more in the cheerleader category, and those 2, new to each other, have been the more active ones getting most of the goodies.

This has really thrown me... miss p has been in triads 5 times before, and often was more of a witness to the other 2 having sex, not actively involved, so to her, what I went through is perfectly ok and normal. She can sit on the sidelines, watch, or wander off, and only feel compersion, with no full arousal coming from watching, no desire to join in or masturbate or anything.

But she's not as sexual as me.

Both my lovers have been willing to fully discuss this with me, my upset, my envy, my lack of sexual satisfaction. I know both their hearts were in the right place. However they are go with the flow kinds of people. I wasn't "in the flow" that night, just confused why Ginger was focusing on her, and not understanding that was his purpose, to grow their emotional bond. He hadn't given me any headsup beforehand that he was going to do that. I guess it just felt right to him at the time. It sure didn't feel right to me!

Ugh, I'm so confused and feel so out of control. Ginger thought I'd be OK with it all, since we had just had sex an hour or 2 earlier, and knowing we'd probably have one on one sex the following morning before we left. As we did.

3ways are so freekin complicated! I don't know why some people actively WANT and SEEK 3somes in their poly lives. Dating separately is so much easier! I'm sure we will work all this out, but it's fucking WORK!
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32
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  #5  
Old 07-10-2012, 03:02 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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As far as I'm concerned, and I've participated in quite a few threesomes, you wouldn't ignore your partner during sex in favor of masturbating unless they were clearly into watching you masturbate -- that would just be rude -- and, similarly, you shouldn't let anyone feel left out and on the sidelines during threesome sex unless they have chosen to step back for a bit and/or are clearly excited about watching.

Over time, you may gain a sense of familiarity and ease with two other people where things can be a little unbalanced one session because, it's cool, they paid a lot of attention to you last session and who's keeping track? But it takes a while to get there. For the first several times especially, each partner needs to work to actively include the others. This does, in fact, take more awareness and thought than some people may be used to expending when they're busy getting down, so I'm not surprised that some folks get it wrong at first. But if they're not working to include everyone they ARE wrong, in that the person being ignored ends up feeling bad AND the person being focused on will probably end up feeling bad too since no one wants their pleasure to come at another's expense.

There is very much a time for intense, bonding, stare-into-your-eyes, give you all the orgasms in the world, feeling like no one exists but you and me, dyad-focused sex and, hey, guess what, it's when it's just the two of you. That's why it's so foolish, imho, when people think they can form authentic, lasting sexual/romantic relationships without ever having *any* dyad time. A triad is three dyads PLUS the triad.

To the OP, your husband's mistake was just that, a mistake born of ignorance of how these things work. I'm sure it was in no way meant as a slight, but he needs to recognize why his actions were hurtful. And why on earth is he mad at you, because you asked them to stop? If so, that is just selfishness, you have nothing to feel guilty for as you were just as much a participant as them in that sexual encounter and, therefore, if you need it to end it ends. End of story.
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  #6  
Old 07-10-2012, 03:46 PM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Mags - I think part of the issue in your situation was that they weren't looking for it to be a threesome when you decided you wanted to join in. You saw them getting physical and turned on the mood enhancers for your own benefit and started trying to vie for attention. I'm sure that the first threesome went better because it was something you all started doing at the beginning.

Personally, I love threesomes with my guys, but it doesn't always work out as planned. Especially when they aren't planned or discussed by all three of you. And yes, we occasionally fall into that trap of not talking about it, each of us with different expectations of what will happen that night. Runic Wolf is a voyeur, but as I've aged, my exhibitionist self has been less and less present, so occasionally, I feel uncomfortable that he is just watching and not joining in. Whereas, I am sure, in his mind he is participating.

MostlyClueless - We can't always know what our reactions will be before they happen. Don't feel guilty for your feelings. Own them, work through them, figure out what it was that triggered them, and talk with your partner about it. Either he will understand or he won't at first, he may need time of his own to think through it and come to a deeper understanding of what you experienced. You and he may have different expectations of what a threesome entails. I tend to be in the center of attention during threesomes with my guys, but when I've been in threesome with my husband and another woman, I try to make sure that he or she share the majority of the attention b/c I already get that feeling elsewhere.

Last edited by BrigidsDaughter; 07-10-2012 at 03:57 PM. Reason: didn't intend to quote
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Old 07-10-2012, 04:26 PM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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And to mostlyclueless, I second this:
Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
he needs to recognize why his actions were hurtful. And why on earth is he mad at you, because you asked them to stop? If so, that is just selfishness, you have nothing to feel guilty for as you were just as much a participant as them in that sexual encounter and, therefore, if you need it to end it ends. End of story.
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Old 07-11-2012, 03:41 AM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnnabelMore View Post
...you shouldn't let anyone feel left out and on the sidelines during threesome sex unless they have chosen to step back for a bit and/or are clearly excited about watching.

Over time, you may gain a sense of familiarity and ease with two other people where things can be a little unbalanced one session because, it's cool, they paid a lot of attention to you last session and who's keeping track? But it takes a while to get there. For the first several times especially, each partner needs to work to actively include the others. This does, in fact, take more awareness and thought than some people may be used to expending when they're busy getting down, so I'm not surprised that some folks get it wrong at first. But if they're not working to include everyone they ARE wrong, in that the person being ignored ends up feeling bad AND the person being focused on will probably end up feeling bad too since no one wants their pleasure to come at another's expense.
Yes! thank you, Annabelle, for confirming exactly what I was feeling and thinking. I think miss pixi was noticing I was getting left out, but she was unable to move out from under him! He's 6'2" and she's 5'4" and was kinda buried under his enthusiastic weight.



Quote:
There is very much a time for intense, bonding, stare-into-your-eyes, give you all the orgasms in the world, feeling like no one exists but you and me, dyad-focused sex and, hey, guess what, it's when it's just the two of you. That's why it's so foolish, imho, when people think they can form authentic, lasting sexual/romantic relationships without ever having *any* dyad time. A triad is three dyads PLUS the triad.
Yeah... I was thinking, if I'd known that it was Ginger's intent to bond more closely with her, he couldve told me that, and they could have gone off to have some one on one time. But as far as I knew, it was supposed to be 3way sex, yet it wasn't. If we even had sex. Because miss pixi wasn't sure ahead of time she wanted to... although it turned out, Ginger's kisses and caresses were irresistible.

One of the reasons I had a hard time getting these two to understand my disappointment is, they both say they are "go with the flow" people when it comes to sex. So, there was no talking about it beforehand in any detail, as I would have preferred. In talking about it later with miss pixi, she said, "I hate planning sex."

But after I freaked out for a couple days, they both finally got my point. Both were very contrite, telling me I matter, they love me, my needs are important, they want me to be happy, etc. Ginger seems the most interested in having 3ways, or getting it on with her alone, I suppose. He did ask me tonight, in chat, "Do you know the trick to nip this kind of thing in the bud next time?" I replied, "yeah... I just gotta Domme both your asses."

He's a good guy. Apparently he felt so awful for letting me down, knowing how I was tentative to even allow my gf and my bf to have sexual contact, he didn't sleep well last night and couldnt do anything today but sit around.... and he's usually so active.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 58, living with:
miss pixi, 37, who is dating (NRE):
Master, 32

Last edited by Magdlyn; 07-11-2012 at 03:45 AM.
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  #9  
Old 07-10-2012, 05:31 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
3ways are so freekin complicated! I don't know why some people actively WANT and SEEK 3somes in their poly lives. Dating separately is so much easier! I'm sure we will work all this out, but it's fucking WORK!


You sound eerily like mono people when they find out my husband and I are poly. "ugh its hard enough to find a relationship with one person that isn't full of drama! Monogamy is just so much easier blah stuff and blah"
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Old 07-10-2012, 06:00 PM
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RainyGrlJenny RainyGrlJenny is offline
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I don't love a threesome. I instantly go into hostess mode, and worry too much about my partners to really relax and have fun. "Are you too hot? Should I open a window? Can I get you some water? A condom? Has everybody cum yet?"

Fly and I just had our first FMF last week. I had done one before, but he had not, so it was a big deal for him. He found a woman online (I was skeptical, but she turned out to be really nice) and the three of us got together. Turns out she was WAY more into me than him. It's not that he got totally left out, but I definitely felt like he didn't get as much attention as I did. I felt really bad, because this was supposed to be his party. To make it even more crunchy, she and I have been texting and emailing, and this may develop into something between her and me.

All this happened despite the fact that Fly and I have had dozens of conversations about what would be ok, what would make us unhappy, how we would behave during a threesome. I think even with the best of intentions and ample communication, threesomes can be a bit lopsided. Luckily, Fly is cool with how everything went down, even though it wasn't his ideal. But it still makes me feel like a bad girlfriend.

I think it's pretty important that the OP needs to chat with her primary and lay some groundwork before y'all try this again. Sometimes people get caught up in the new and shiny, and neglect their partner during these situations. That was something that worried me, and I'm fairly adamant that I'm not going to be the wallflower at the threesome. I personally need the sexual reassurance of being desirable to my partner, and if he wants to focus on the other person then they should just get it on and leave me out of it! You absolutely deserve a fair share of the attention, and some patience and compassion while dealing with the fallout of what happened.

Magdlyn, I agree with a lot of what ThatGirlInGrey says. I think it's great that the Ginger wants to strengthen his relationship with Miss Pixi, but if that's the intent of the encounter then he needs to include you in a conversation about that, and ensure that you know what to expect. A heads-up prior to the moment was definitely in order.
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- No longer lives with ex-boyfriend Fly (1/2006 - 12/2013, my introduction to nonmonogamy), and his 9-year-old son Kiddo
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