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  #1  
Old 07-05-2012, 08:28 PM
swingorpoly swingorpoly is offline
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Default Newly broken up - ouch

So yesterday my gf broke up with me.

I decided to take the advice off this site (read it somewhere) and break contact for a little over a month. I sort of explained it to her and said it was the only way for me to get over her with any hope of becoming friends at the end. That friendship is very important for many reasons. Besides the fact i really enjoyed the friendship aspect of our relationship she also is a tenant at my second property. She's also become good friends with my wife.

XGF actually seems pissed at me for it. She thought that we would just break up but remain all friendly, lovey but no sex. Sort of boyfriend without benefits, who she can talk to about all her other boy problems and chases.

So i've asked my wife to handle all tenant problems, collecting rent etc and asked my wife not to talk about her with me. My wife has been very empathetic and i can't ask for better support.

I'm really just trying to defuse the ticking timebomb of frustration inside me so i don't go half off and ruin a good friendship by saying something i can't take back.

Any thoughts?
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  #2  
Old 07-05-2012, 10:14 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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I'm sorry to hear that you and your girlfriend have broken up.

It is nice to see that you want to remain friends and do not want to jeopardize that in the long term.

It is difficult. Sometimes it's easier for one partner to drift straight into friendship.

I think the best way forward would be to write her a letter, or speak to her in person if you prefer, and gently and respectfully explain that your friendship means so much to you that you don't want to ruin it.

I would proceed softly - it should give her the inspiration to be soft and kind in return.
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  #3  
Old 07-06-2012, 02:06 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Break ups are hard. You need time to digest and reset back to "friend level. " It's commendable that you both want to be friends as exes.

Quote:
XGF actually seems pissed at me for it. She thought that we would just break up but remain all friendly, lovey but no sex. Sort of boyfriend without benefits, who she can talk to about all her other boy problems and chases.
Even if the goal is to be good friends that are exes... She's gotta give you some ramp down time.

That's just not appropriate to expect in a fresh break up if you are not up for that. You cannot hurry healing. It takes what it takes. In your shoes it could feel like rubbing salt in the wound if you are not up for it. You need space to let the emotional winds to blow on through because THEN when the high emotion chills a bit you can choose to act with intention like a good ex. And not just REACT all grrr in her direction because you are still prickly.

You have done your responsibility -- stated your need and limit.

She stated her want -- and they do not line up.

So how will you talk and sort that one out?

You have the right to support and nurture -- how is she going to show respect, support and nurture as a friend that is a good ex?

By putting her want ahead of your limit? She wants to be all pals where you need to have a time limit for digesting a break up? Is your request not reasonable?

She's the one who broke up with you right? Gee. All you are asking is a month!

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-06-2012 at 03:03 AM.
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Old 07-11-2012, 04:51 AM
ThatGirlInGray ThatGirlInGray is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
She's the one who broke up with you right?
GG
This. She doesn't get to dictate how YOU react to HER breaking up with you. I don't know what her reasons were, but maybe they weren't as well thought out as they should have been if she's getting pissy because she doesn't get this new friend relationship with you starting RIGHT NOW!
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  #5  
Old 07-06-2012, 02:27 AM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by swingorpoly View Post
Sort of boyfriend without benefits, who she can talk to about all her other boy problems and chases.
Hellooooo, friendzone!

No, thanks...I don`t think any good friend could begrudge you your space for something as justified as this. You may want to give her some sort of timeframe for when you`ll be talking to her again, though.

Last but not least, I would definitely set the talking about boys thing as a boundary.
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Last edited by feelyunicorn; 07-06-2012 at 02:34 AM.
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  #6  
Old 07-11-2012, 04:41 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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I'm happy to hear that folks are trying the no contact and finding it useful.

The no contact is exactly for that, to keep you from saying stupid stuff. I do encourage letter writing, I did a LOT of that. Just don't send them. If you still need to say those things, you can say them at the end of 40 days. I usually didn't need to say much.

I tend to ruminate, and go over and over in my head what I want to say, what I wish I'd said, what I'm gonna say. I started writing them down so I wouldn't forget, and that awesome little act would let them get out of my head so I could move on the other things I wanted to say. It was wonderful processing. and usually, by the end, I'd be okay. Sometimes I'd still say stuff, but not nearly as much as I would have said after a week.
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