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  #1  
Old 07-04-2012, 12:59 AM
amberleaf amberleaf is offline
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Default How Much Sex is Enough Sex?

Ok, attention-grabbing title... My question is actually related, I promise.

Background
I am part of a polyamorous V with my wife and her girlfriend, who has lived with us for the last 4 months. I've been with my wife monogamously for 15 years and she met her girlfriend just over a year ago.

Our sex life is pretty good, but we do not have it as often as I'd like. My wife is a Domme and I tried becoming a sub... but i'm not all that kinky. Maybe once every two weeks on average. Sometimes every week, sometimes a longer gap. We have a toddler and this definitely is part of the issue too.

Another barrier is the addition of my wife's girlfriend - obviously there's only so much sex my wife can manage. Don't get me wrong though; she's great and I deeply care for her. I don't resent it. But it makes me worry about one thing.

How much is enough?
My wife is now ready to have an extra regular sexual partner, outside of our poly family. She's met one guy twice and wants to sleep with him in a couple of day's time. She needs a submissive male and I understand that. Her girlfriend is also a Domme and so she can't get that element from her either.

There seems to be the general idea from her that she would like to sleep with him once a week. That's what she's told us. Then maybe a couple of casual extra partners once a month.

She said that it might be the case that she has sex with him more often than either of us, simply because she is able to go out on a date with him, with no toddler, and set aside time for that. I said that if she's going to make time to have sex with someone else... we should be making time for the same in our marriage, first? Have a weekly date night, or something?

I hope this doesn't sound selfish... but I'm worried about how to balance my needs with hers when this happens. I'm already struggling, because we don't really have dates. I sometimes feel neglected.. not just sexually, but in other ways as well.

In terms of my wife... she'd be having sex with me, her girlfriend and her extra partner. Since she only has sex with me about once a fortnight, her girlfriend once every 1-2 weeks and wants to see her new person every week.... that makes me worry that I'll get pushed back even further...

Questions
I wonder if anyone has any advice?

Do you have a set amount of times a week, in general, you see secondary partners?

If your primary partners are feeling neglected, do you skip a week with your secondary?

Do you have less sex with your primary than your secondary, and if so, does that work ok for you?

Do you think it's acceptable for my wife to actively set time aside to go on dates/have sex with a play partner on a weekly basis, if she is not making time to have dates with us? Like I say, at current, her and I hardly do anything together without our daughter. When my wife goes out, I look after our daughter.

Thank you for your help and I hope I don't sound like a complete sex-obsessed @asshole... :-s

Last edited by amberleaf; 07-04-2012 at 01:03 AM.
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  #2  
Old 07-04-2012, 01:36 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
Our sex life is pretty good, but we do not have it as often as I'd like. My wife is a Domme and I tried becoming a sub... but i'm not all that kinky. Maybe once every two weeks on average. Sometimes every week, sometimes a longer gap. We have a toddler and this definitely is part of the issue too.
Ugh, parenting. Does put a ding in sex life -- you become like weekend warriors or something. I get that. (Does GF take a turn babystting so you guys can have a date night or alone time? Do you babysit so they can get alone time?)

But "sex" -- make sure it's expanded enough, ok? Not just all about PIV. Sometimes we're too tired for full on PIV or a full on scene. Mutual masturbation will do. Or shoot, just WATCH while I drive and fly solo. It's time for sexual intimacies as opposed to time for specific sex acts like penis-into-vagina.

There where times with a newborn that the urge was there but the exhaustion of parenting killed the energy. We'd lay in the dark and just talk/think dirty. "Oh, you better PRAY to the skies and thank them I'm this pooped. If I wasn't so tired you'd be in SERIOUS trouble! I'd grab you and..."

It was fun sexual intimacy and bridged the gap to the next interlude where hopefully energy was a bit better. The babies and toddlers will grow up and it will get better on the night time parenting so you don't have to keep getting up to tend to diapers and things. Hang in there.

Quote:
I said that if she's going to make time to have sex with someone else... we should be making time for the same in our marriage, first? Have a weekly date night, or something?
Yup. Not fair to add more partners if needs at home are not being met.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-04-2012 at 01:59 AM.
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  #3  
Old 07-04-2012, 01:39 AM
PinkDragon PinkDragon is offline
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It seems to me that the priorities at home need to be straightened out before other partners are added. And yes, you guys most certainly need to schedule regular dates!
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  #4  
Old 07-04-2012, 01:39 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Well, first of all, for me I find that sexual desire/need isn't a gauge that gets filled when I have sex, no matter the partner. Having a new partner won't make me want less sex with existing partners, and actually might make me want my existing partners more.
Why? Because sexual desire for me is based on trust, on how well our relationship is going, on how in love I feel. And for my partners to be fine with me having a new partner makes this existing relationship more precious, with more trust, and more love.

While I can't know if she works the same way I do, it's a possibility, and in that case "your" sex wouldn't be cut down, but stay the same or possibly increase.

That's the first thing. Now, for the date, I don't think it's fair of her to want regular date with a new partner, but dismisses the idea of having them with you. Obviously, if she has time she does, so she should have time for you, too. It's possible she wants regular dates with him and not you because of NRE, but still, I believe dates with just you and her would be very good for your relationship and add to your intimacy, regardless of whether sex happens or not. I definitely think she should take care of established relationship as well, not just the new one.
You need to maintain the romance and the love, and dates are important even when you are parents, maybe even especially when you are parents, so you can get out of the house and the stress linked to parenting... Provided someone can take care of your kid, of course.
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  #5  
Old 07-04-2012, 02:00 AM
amberleaf amberleaf is offline
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Thank you for all the help so far.

Since my wife's girlfriend moved in, four months ago, my wife has done a lot of things with her because she wanted to show her around the new city and also probably a bit of NRE (even though they've been together for over a year, they had a LDR until now).

During that time, my wife's girlfriend has offered very openly to look after our daughter. She is like a second mom to her and truly wonderful.

However, my wife says that she doesn't want to 'force' time with me and wants it to be natural.

In terms of sex, my wife's girlfriend has literally at times said "I'll look after baby - just seriously go and have some fun in the bedroom".

I said that I'd ideally like the following situation for my wife:
- One date a fortnight with me
- One date a fortnight with girlfriend
- One date a fortnight with sub boy lover

Every week would be great, but obviously we aren't all made of money and time, so it might be overkill.

She basically thinks that a date with her new boy once every fortnight is not often enough. She wants to train him and work with him in terms of BDSM and craves D/s sex that cannot be offered at home.

So let's say it comes to this... she's seeing him every week. Sleeping with him 4 times a month.

She sleeps with me 2 times in that month. And her gf maybe 3 times.

When I tell her that for me, that isn't how I feel our primary relationship should be, she tells me to consider the love and intimacy we have, that surpasses sex.

So I wondered how you guys manage it and if in general, you at least balance the date nights out?
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  #6  
Old 07-04-2012, 02:35 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Sounds like you have a nice meta-rship with you wife's GF. That's good at least.

Quote:
However, my wife says that she doesn't want to 'force' time with me and wants it to be natural.
We MAKE the time. We do not "force" what happens in that block of time -- could be a nice talk, watch a movie, sex, whatever. But in real life? We have to BLOCK OUT the time on the calendar. You MAKE the time. It doesn't magically appear out of the skies. It's called making priorities and time management.

Quote:
When I tell her that for me, that isn't how I feel our primary relationship should be, she tells me to consider the love and intimacy we have, that surpasses sex.
And since there is no time blocked out with just you, exactly when is the air time that the "love and intimacy" channel is playing on?

Quote:
Every week would be great, but obviously we aren't all made of money and time, so it might be overkill.

She basically thinks that a date with her new boy once every fortnight is not often enough. She wants to train him and work with him in terms of BDSM and craves D/s sex that cannot be offered at home.
So find the happy medium and negotiate that. You could change your definition of date so it's not costing money. Have an indoor picnic, play naked monopoly while GF takes care of kid. Whatever. The "date" just has to be a block of TIME. It doesn't have to be spendy in terms of money. It has to be spendy in terms of time and attention.

And if she wants a weekly date with sub, well then? Spend a weekly date with hubby and GF!

Mon -- DH
Tues -- family time, home care
Wed -- GF
Thurs -- family time, home care
Fri - Sub BF
Sat -- family time, home care
Sun - day of rest for all, church, whatever.

Hell, do two if the home care is up to par.

Mon - hubby
Tues - GF
Wed = Sub BF
Thurs = hubby
Friday = GF
Sat = Sub BF
Sun = day of rest for all, church whatever

Talk it out. Negotiate however your pattern works out best as your sweet spot in the polyship so that all needs (not just HER need for D/s) are being met at the happy medium. We all would LOVE the happy stellar stupdendous, but we can all be content at the happy medium. And that is ok. In fact, it can be great.

GG

Last edited by GalaGirl; 07-04-2012 at 02:45 AM.
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  #7  
Old 07-04-2012, 03:14 AM
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Dagferi Dagferi is offline
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I have just worked out a schedule with my husband and boyfriend.

Week one and three...

Mon Hubby/home
Tues Hubby/home
Wednesday Bf with overnight stay
Thursday with bf before work.. Home with family afterwork
Fri Hubby date
Sat Hubby date
Sunday Hubby/home

Week two and four

Mon Occassional overnight with Bf during summer
Tues Hubby/home
Wed Hubby/home
Thurs Hubby/home
Fri, Sat, Sun At the bf's house 2 out of the 3 days.

I was having issues between hubby and myself about time spent away from home with my boyfriend. But when I wrote it out a schedule on paper for him. He realized that even though he felt like he has a short end of the stick this past week that he actually has me most of the time. My bf feels like that he is being heard too with his schedule.
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  #8  
Old 07-04-2012, 01:34 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I think the "forcing time" thing is kind of a cop-out.
I get it: you've been together for a while, you have a kid. There isn't as much excitement as there used to me. There is a routine. There might be less intimacy.
But it's a vicious circle. The less you date, etc, the less she'll feel like it. She's waiting to feel like she wants to do it with you, but she won't until it happens. I remember reading a study saying that while it's agreed people who are the closest years into their marriage still date regularly, they're close because they still date, not the other way around.

If she doesn't want to plan something, see if you can plan it with the GF and surprise her. Go to dinner and a movie, or even a show, or a class for something you both like. Try to spend time together in a non-matrimonial context. It's important for your relationship.

About the amount of sex, I believe it's not a competition, and sexual desire is unique. It just may be that with you, for your relationship, she feels twice a month is the right amount. Then forcing more would be a terrible idea, and preventing her from having more sex with other partners is probably a bad idea too. So I think I would focus on the quality of the sex instead. Try new things, or go back to doing things you did when your relationship was new. Could be sexual, like a sex act, could be romantic, like a massage or a bath together, you name it.

In the meantime, it seems contact helps a lot with intimacy. If she's not touch-repulsed, try and hug her often, caress her hair, arm, etc, kiss her... these little things can go a long way towards feeling appreciated.
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  #9  
Old 07-04-2012, 02:07 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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The problem I had when I was in that situation was ...a) having to mention it... b) the forced dates....or obligatory dates....ok I'm here what do you want to do ... Wait hold that thought I just got a text....reading reading ..giggle giggle...ok what were you saying.

So my point is a schedule could help carve out time but that doesn't drive desire, excitement.....and its exsitents is to simulate equality.

Why not find a gf of your own .....the thought that by her adding partners will improve the frequency of you getting laid is crazy. In your opinion you're are already dissatisfied with that was that the case before opening up the marriage or after the gf? Either way it's not going to get better ...time is finite. 15 yrs of that.

Have you considered this option?
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