Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 04-16-2010, 04:57 AM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 77
Default Privacy, teenagers, and openness

My head is still spinning, and I'm trying to process this.

Earlier tonight, the teenager sat down next to me and we talking in wordpad on my laptop:

Her:"you know what im getting tired of?"


Her:"Everyone at school, at least the people that have been over here and spent the night or something, asking if i've walked in on you and my stepdad having sex yet."

Me "WHAT?"

Her:"EVERYONE!! like, everyone, that comes over is like, wow she's flirting with him and crap like that and "there is so something between them"

Me:"Have you said anything to your mom about it?"

Her:"nope. but i did findout that you dont like hugging my stepdad and your always worried it will lead to sex...."

Which the last bit is a direct quote from a text message I sent him a couple weeks ago. She lost her phone, so she's been using mine and apparently snooping through texts.

There's never been an official relationship, so we've never told her anything, and there's nothing currently going on, so we could honestly say there's nothing going on, and just try to deny the apparently incredibly obvious tensions/chemistry, and pretend there's no history...but I'm thinking we need to talk with her, be honest, open, reassure her that she doesn't have to worry, and I don't know what to say.
(I've already told her mom and stepdad about what she told me, and her mom is the ultimate parental authority and decision-maker.)

Oh, and she's got her own little love triangle going on, she's got her long-distance boyfriend "Edward" and is still hanging out with her local ex-bf "Jacob", flirts with him non-stop, and has admitted to me and her mom that she hugged Jacob and got carried away and ended up kissing him. I keep making comments like "Why can't they share?" and her mom got her a Twilight t-shirt that says ""I can't change how I feel. Please don't make me choose"- Bella".
Reply With Quote
Old 04-16-2010, 02:05 PM
kamala kamala is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Deepest Darkest
Posts: 51

Hmmm... before you give her a reassuring talk etc., I hope you tell her off for snooping! Kids!
Reply With Quote
Old 04-17-2010, 01:32 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,400

Kids snoop, it's in their nature. They want to know what's going on in our lives, they look at us as role models, and they're not stupid. They know that all the "interesting" stuff goes on when we're trying to hide it from them.

I think it's important for parents to be honest with kids who are mature enough to understand it. The fact that the teenager is approaching you and asking these questions is proof that she's trying to understand it.

Kids learn behaviour from the behaviour of their parents, NOT how their parents TELL them to behave. If your kids realize that you're hiding / lying to them about your feelings, what do you think they're going to do about their love interests? Do you want them to keep that information from you?
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-17-2010, 06:49 AM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 77

She's not my kid...but yeah, I still try to be a good role model, and I'd
actually preferred to just be honest with her about it when she first seemed to suspect, which was at least a year ago. We talked about it back then, at which point there was something going on, and we were worried she'd see something and think her stepdad was cheating on her mom. But her mom seemed uncomfortable with talking to her about it, and as the parent, it's her decision.

By now, there's nothing going on, and the text she saw was about avoiding situations that could turn sexual, and relying on willpower, so I think that was pretty clear. I talked to her a little today, and she's suspected for awhile, but thought we'd lie to her if she asked, and when I asked if she'd talked to her mom, her reply was "Sure, I can see that 'Mom, is your husband having an affair with our housemate?", to which I pointed out that it's hard to get anything past her mom, and her stepdad and I really suck at being sneaky or lying. Then later on when her mom was home, we both talked to her about snooping, and that while she's a teenager and her parents pay her phone bill and her mother has a right to know how she's using her phone, I'm an adult and she has no right to invade my privacy.

I'm not sure if it's all perfectly clear now. I really didn't feel comfortable deciding how much to tell her without talking to her mom, but I didn't want to lie either, so I pretty much asked questions and affirmed what information she'd already snooped up: Nothing is going on, but there is mutual attraction, and that's sometimes hard to deal with. And there's no way we'd even be capable of sneaking around behind her mom's back, so if she wants to know, she should ask her mom.
Reply With Quote
Old 04-18-2010, 02:35 AM
LovingRadiance's Avatar
LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

I'm so glad we opted for just being out to our kids. I can't imagine having such a conversation. It's so much easier to say "get your hugs and kisses so daddy and I can go to bed" or if he's not here "get your hugs and kisses so GG and I can go to bed" and/or waking up in the mornings and having them relaxed and comfortable to call out to me at hte bottom of hte stairs-"mom which room are you in?" and be able to answer and not feel concerned about "OMG what will they think!"
Because they all know mommy loves Daddy AND GG and sleeps with both-so what?
"Love As Thou Wilt"
Reply With Quote
Old 04-19-2010, 03:34 AM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 77

Her mom is upstairs talking to her now. I'm nervous about her reaction, but hoping it'll be a relief to all of us. We all talked to her about feeling insulted by her assumption- that her suspicion implied she thought her mom was so blind, deaf and stupid that her husband and her roommate could be sneaking around right under her nose without her figuring out, that her stepdad was cheating on her mom, and that I'm a slut/whore/backstabbing bitch.

I think I would have been more upset with her for invading our privacy if I didn't already feel guilty about hiding it from her.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 12:41 PM.