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Old 04-15-2010, 10:15 PM
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Default It sort of just evolved into this, and I'm trying not to hate it

A 5-6 months ago I met this really awesome guy and we clicked immediately and it became obvious quickly that we liked each other.

At first he really, really want to date me and to be boyfriend & girlfriend to be "official."


I was extremely hesitant and kept saying no because I come from a christian background and he is not a christian; I had to work through my feelings on that and come to a conclusion about what exactly I believed and which choice was more worth it.

eventually, my choice became yes... I like him a lot and want to be with him despite any religious differences. i was and still am in the process of re-evaluating my religious beliefs anyway.


But here's the kicker... around the same time I decided & realized that i really did want to be with him and be in a serious relationship with him, he came to the realization that a serious relationship wasn't right for him and he just wanted to be able to see different people and not necessarily be tied down to any one person.

It was a little hard to take, but I understood since I had been in the same place previously, where i wasn't sure about entering a relationship with him (and for the most part with anybody, I haven't dated anyone since 8th grade actually)...


what he didn't tell me though, and what took a few weeks and few serious conversations to find out was that

1. while he had gone home for christmas, he had started to develop feelings for an old friend of us
2. he'd been talking to her since he got back
3. he liked both of us equally and for different reasons


he's always saying that she can't replace me, and I can't replace her.


this all was extremely, extremely painful to discover. I like him a LOT and he is the only person I have ever liked or connected with to this degree. if you knew me as a person you'd understand how special he is to me.

I absolutely hated the fact that I was no longer the only girl he was interested in. hated it. because I saw what we have as being so special, and I couldn't believe that he could possibly have anything similar with someone else at the **same time.**


I was very hurt and we actually didn't talk to each other for two weeks because it was so painful for me to have to share him with anyone else.

After two weeks I finally couldn't stand not talking to him, because like I said I like him so much, and we started hanging out again. What had got me to feel better was that repeated "she can't replace you." He missed me, y'know? and I missed him.

The reality of his interest in another girl still bothered me sometimes. My consolation for a while, though, was "well, at least he didn't have sex with her." She also lives on the other side of the country, so he's only able to see me in person.



But then... we got into another discussion and I found that he had indeed had sex with her. We hadn't had sex yet, which again stems from my christian beliefs. I was still a virgin. this made me feel like she suddenly had a one-up on me.

This time I didn't only get sad or hurt, but I got angry. It was nearly uncontrollable. He was staying the night and as soon as he fell asleep I got out of bed and went to the living room and stayed up till 4am, just being so angry and frustrated and hurt.


but I still wanted to be with him, because the good times with him were worth it...


and eventually we finally had sex(if you're thinking I had sex with him because she did, that's not true, I had sex for reasons of personal growth and because, like I've said, I really like him). I lost my virginity to him, so I guess in some ways I am now even a little bit more attached to him. Not because of sex but because now there is another dynamic to explore with him and to me that is also very special. he's had sex many times before with previous girlfriends, so I suppose to him it's not as special or new to him... but to me it is. That was a couple weeks ago that we started having sex.


He's been busy & stressed in the last month or so, so he's been distant and it's hard to find time to spend with him. This, because of the other girl, has made me paranoid at times and very, very insecure. I'm constantly afraid that he likes her more, that she can please him more, that they have something more special than we do... especially considering that theirs is a long-distance relationship, which means in order to keep up that relationship they have to communicate and talk and share things on an intellectual level, which because he was so busy, I haven't been able to get from him.


and the worst part for me is.... even though she lives on the other side of the country, she flew down here yesterday and is currently staying at his house until April 21st (a week).


this means

1. she's here
2. she gets to sleep in his bed and cuddle with him at night and kiss him and have sex with him
3. they're spending some time together



also lately I have been voicing my frustrations more often, which is straining our relationship and making him frustrated with me. This means, to me, that they are probably having a much happier time especially considering that they haven't seen each other since december. She's probably also more mature than I am and is not acting insecure and begging for attention the way that I have begun doing, because I always feel like I am not getting the amount of attention/affection that I want. I just feel like he likes her better or is relieved to see her instead of me because we are having problems.


we've talked about this many times, and frequently I think "alright, I can be ok with this kind of open relationship" but then i always circle back to being frustrated and angry.


ESPECIALLY now that she's here and she's a reality and not just some far-away untouchable threat.



I try to say well, he's not my boyfriend, I'm the one who came back knowing he's still involved with her, maybe it's just like if he was hanging out with friends who are girls (his best friend is a girl and I have no problem with that and I'm not threatened by it)...


but sometimes it just makes me sick to think that he is having sex with her, or being affectionate towards her, or laughing with her, or having interesting conversations with her, or any number of the special things we share.


and don't get me wrong... I do not think polyamory is wrong. I'm just having a very difficult time with it emotionally, and I would love nothing more than for us to be in a monogamous relationship and for me to be the ONLY one he likes.


But he's mentioned before that he is happy liking more than one person, and he's always had horrible monogamous relationships and always feels trapped in them.


I want him to be happy, but it just hurts so much because I want him to myself.


and you know? I might be ok with him having the occasional hook-up, or him having deep friendly relationships with anyone, but for him to hold up another person to the same type of relationship as me, for him to see us at the same level of affection and attraction and devotion.... it hurts, as much as I want to understand and to support his lifestyle choice and be OK with sharing him.... it's as if my heart can't take it, even if my brain can.



i don't want to give him up or to ruin what we have between us, but i also don't want to force him into something that would make him unhappy.


but... originally I had thought it was just me, even if we weren't in a serious relationship.... I want to be the only one he feels this way about.



any advice? has anybody else had to deal with jealousy in this way? Has anyone else been in my position? Or even his position and can tell me how you felt about one of your partners hating/despising the other? She is honestly the only person I have ever nearly hated, because in my mind it seems to me that she is taking something special away from me.



the last thing i want to do is break-up with him, and I wish whole-heartedly that he would somehow stop liking her, or that she would stop liking him, or anything like that... or that he would decide maybe this wasn't the right path for him.

but you can't ever change another person, y'know? He is who he is.



Do you think that I am someone who can only be monogamous? Or do you think I, or anyone else, have the capability to be happy in a polyamorous/non-exclusive relationship?


I just want to be at peace when I'm not with him, y'know? I want to not feel so angry.



and I know that once she's back on the other side of the country and not here, not in his arms, I will feel much better and more secure knowing it's just me he can touch and create good memories with and they can only talk. That was what kept me calm before, and it's only now that she's HERE and with him that I am once again extremely unsettled.


I just want to be with him.



thoughts?

Last edited by Trying; 04-15-2010 at 10:36 PM.
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  #2  
Old 04-15-2010, 11:41 PM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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I was wondering if he offered to introduce the two of you. Not anything sexual but just to meet and maybe get to know each other a little. This seems to be a typical thing in poly (unless the relationship is a DADT kind).

I am concerned though. Something about the way you tell your side of the story makes me wonder about his true motives and "poly" lifestyle. I hate falling back on these when online, but I have a bad feeling about this. He kees taking back or changing what he's saying or "coming forward" about something in these nice long conversations that you two have. He also is getting frustrated with your frustrations instead of trying to help you overcome your fears and concerns.

Sure, he may not be your official boyfriend, but if he cares about you and wants to be with you, he will try to help you come to terms with and understand his choices.

Good luck.
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Old 04-16-2010, 12:56 AM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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Like Vandalin, a few things about your situation worry me.

Sexual intimacy involves primal emotions. You write that you were a virgin, and unless I am mistaken he is the only man you have had sex with -- your first connection with the extremely powerful feelings that usually come with that physical-spiritual act.

This worries me because it's often very difficult for even very sexually experienced people to handle those emotions in a polyamorous context.

Be careful with yourself. I know you treasure your relationship with him, but you need to give yourself emotional room. I think you would be wise to re-approach him slowly and with a lot of care. You are feeling emotional responses not only to his interest in another woman but also to the very powerful sensations of perhaps your first deep affection.

Please go slowly and carefully. If you've read much on this forum then you know that you are entering a high-voltage area. You need to be firmly grounded for your own safety.

Last edited by EugenePoet; 04-16-2010 at 12:59 AM.
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  #4  
Old 04-16-2010, 01:59 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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...how old is this guy and was he aware that you were a virgin and had strong Christian convictions before you had sex? I'm trying not to judge and condemn him without cause but it's hard for me. It's rare for people to hold onto their virginity until they are 19 where I am from. Regardless of how purely physical some people view the act of sex, your faith probably has elevated above an animal drive. You're beliefs determine what sex means to you...no one else does. I just hope you didn't give this guy a gift he didn't deserve.

Take care
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 04-16-2010 at 02:14 AM.
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Old 04-16-2010, 02:42 AM
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I was wondering if you have done some reading on here? You ask if anyone else has gone through this and I can tell you that there are numerous posts that indicate so. Perhaps they will help you feel less like you are on your own.

I think that you should go out and find your own stuff to do for the week she is here and after she leaves. If you are interested in hooking up with others and experiencing life in terms of getting to know others more deeply, go and do it. He is, you should to. When you come hang out together you will have so much to talk about as two people on their own life course.

In my experience jealousy is often an indicator that there is something not fulfilled happening, a need that isn't being met. So go and find it if that is the case. You say you are insecure for instance, go get secure in yourself... in anyway you can think of.

Of course it hurts to know he is with this other woman, and I think it would be kind and respectful if he cared about that, but it isn't up to him to "make" you happy, you are responsible for that.

Just a note on sex? It gets better with time and experience. Not only that it is very different with different people. Sure, there is certain things that repeat themselves, but when one really gets to know someone sexually, then those acts become different with different people. Therefore he likes having sex with you as much as he does with her.
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Old 04-16-2010, 02:52 AM
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Don't dwell on what they are doing together. In the end it doesn't matter as long as he isn't comparing you to her when he's with you. (I know that's easier said than done).

Like other people have said go and find things to do that you enjoy. Make a calendar of all the things that you have in your life. He's one part of your life but he is not all of it. Focus on the other good things that you have when the 2 of you can't be together.

RP is right, sex with different people is a different experience. He enjoys what he has with you. He sees something special in you. The 2 of you have a connection. Focus on that rather than what he has with her.

Mostly it's a matter of reshifting how you think about things. It doesn't happen overnight and there will be painful moments. Only you will know if the relationship is worth overcoming that pain to get to a place where you can all be happy. From the sounds of it he's never going to be monogamous. Wishing that he would be is likely just going to make the fact that he isn't harder on you. I hope everything works out for you.

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