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Old 04-15-2010, 08:53 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Default The Blog of the Mono Wife

I am reentering my story here and using this thread as my own little blog. Please feel free to comment. I just thought this would be a good place to let stuff out.
This all started when I found out my husband had fallen in love and cheated with a coworker. It was a terrible time but instead of giving up I fought and we realized that he needed a poly relationship and if I was going to keep him then I had to give this to him. I also found out through all our talking that she is not the first he cheated with, just the first one he fell in love with. The others were one night stands but along the way of trying to be an asshole he fell in love with one of his flings and the shit hit the fan. This is a woman I knew, had had threesomes with and was beginning to consider a friend. It has been two months since everything has come out. I am learning to accept his poly lifestyle. I still have freakouts and melt downs but I have read so much on communication and other peoples stories. I have even found a few friends on here that I really value their opinions. My husband and I are working very hard on our marriage and I know he feels horrible for the times he was unfaithful. He is honest in everything he does for me, or at least I work very hard to trust him. He makes it difficult not to now actually because he is constantly calling, texting or telling me face to face everything he does.

I guess I am more just talking here than having a problem. I like to get things out by typing sometimes and getting others thoughts. Last week was a nightmare that got progressively worse.
On Tuesday he was suppose to be with J but things didn't work out. Her husband got called off of work and if that happens she has to cancel plans with her. I know he was disappointed but I think he didn't handle things right when he came home all upset and went to sleep without talking to me. And he knows he did, apologized later. The next day he had an unexpected night with her because they had a fight and he went over to her place to make up. I do ask him to give me fair notice so that if I am having a bad day I can put myself in a good place somehow. Well that didn't happen. It was a last minute thing and I was still in a mood for how he had come home the night before.
Thursday was a night where she came over here so that the three of us could have some time together so she and I could build a stronger bond. I am trying very hard to be good friends with her. After all we have a someone very special in common. But I was so built up over the last two days that while I put on a face I was stressed and felt very inferior and intimidated. Then husband and I usually have a very intimatie kinky night to ourselves the day after they are together or three of us are together and that is very important to me. Helps me remind me that I still have a place in there right now. Hopefully I won't always be so needy for this night. But we didn't. We got busy with life. Saturday we fought over the events from the week. Sunday was all travel and more dramatics, melt downs, freak outs and fighting.

This week is better. I have gotten out and enjoyed the weather and exercised and increased my endorphins A very big thing for me. I couldnt cope with this without my exercise or my daughter. Tonight is their night and I just wanted to get on here for some comfort and company so I hope no one minds my rambling. It is hard not to focus on the fact that they are together tonight. I don't want it to kill my good spirits that I have had this week.

How do the monos handle the quiet nights? Poly's how do your partners deal with it.

I am totally mono. I am learning this new life so that my husband can feel free to be himself without feeling restricted and that he has to hide from me. I am just feeling lonely tonight as I usually do. Will I always feel this on edge and antsy. Does this ever ease? I want to say I am doing better than I use to but it has only been two months and I have yet to go two weeks without crying over it.

Any thoughts or opinions would be great. Thanks.
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Old 04-15-2010, 09:12 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Default The day after

So last night husband was with J. When he got home I gave him his "gush time" that was suggested to me. He talked about some of the things they did together. He talked about some of their topics of discussion. He went over how he felt about her and in comparison to me, of course there was no comparision.
We fell asleep happily in each others arms. I am happy to say I didn't stop here. I spent so much of last week trying to handle my feelings on my own that I figured I would try something different this time. So I took the gush time to her as well. She and I text all morning about her night with him and how she was feeling. I wanted to know her feelings of love and committment towards him. I wanted to know her lever of happiness. I wanted nothing left for my imagination to warp into worse case scenarios and drive me crazy.
This time there was so much talking but so much more understanding. I came away feeling so much more well informed. Husband wasn't sure how much he wanted me conversing with her but I feel it is important so that she and I can keep up our communication. Otherwise she is someone that is just sleeping with my husband and because the husband stealing bitch that she really isn't.

The three of us had lunch together today and curled up in each others arms at the state park to enjoy the beautiful day. I have to say with all the talking it was the most comfortable I have felt with the two of them. It still tugged and hurt to see them kiss but he would kiss me too. He kept the cuddling to both of us. She and I worked together to relax him. It was very pleasant.

Thanks for the advice and help so far.
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Old 04-15-2010, 09:23 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ak2381 View Post
So last night husband was with J. When he got home I gave him his "gush time" that was suggested to me. He talked about some of the things they did together. He talked about some of their topics of discussion. He went over how he felt about her and in comparison to me, of course there was no comparision.
We fell asleep happily in each others arms. I am happy to say I didn't stop here. I spent so much of last week trying to handle my feelings on my own that I figured I would try something different this time. So I took the gush time to her as well. She and I text all morning about her night with him and how she was feeling. I wanted to know her feelings of love and committment towards him. I wanted to know her lever of happiness. I wanted nothing left for my imagination to warp into worse case scenarios and drive me crazy.
This time there was so much talking but so much more understanding. I came away feeling so much more well informed. Husband wasn't sure how much he wanted me conversing with her but I feel it is important so that she and I can keep up our communication. Otherwise she is someone that is just sleeping with my husband and because the husband stealing bitch that she really isn't.

The three of us had lunch together today and curled up in each others arms at the state park to enjoy the beautiful day. I have to say with all the talking it was the most comfortable I have felt with the two of them. It still tugged and hurt to see them kiss but he would kiss me too. He kept the cuddling to both of us. She and I worked together to relax him. It was very pleasant.

Thanks for the advice and help so far.
all I have for you is



Congrats
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Old 04-15-2010, 09:29 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Wow! Great story and thanks for sharing.
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Old 04-15-2010, 09:16 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by ak2381 View Post
How do the monos handle the quiet nights? Poly's how do your partners deal with it.
I have seen variations of this question come up often on poly sites. Quick question(s) - What did you do when you were single? Go out with friends, play pool, go to a poetry reading, art...maybe some adult language classes? The lists are endless. (I could keep guessing but I have no idea what you like for hobbies)

It might be a good idea to have a calendar so you can see when dates happen and then make plans to go out yourself. I am not saying to stop being mono, but bring back some of that social side that may be forgotten.

Seeing as both my wife an I are open, I can't relate directly as we are usually out together, but I am far more the social animal than she is. She has had to relearn the social side since she relied on me for all of her social behaviour, something I found both suffocating and too dependant on her part. It was hurting both of us.
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Old 04-15-2010, 09:36 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
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Default GF's Husband is Hurting

I just posted this in the New to Polyamory area but since this is my blog I am going to put it here as well so I can keep everything together.



So for a mono this should probably be a dream come true but I just see the pain it is causing my husband.
J's husband, who oddly enough is also poly, swinger actually is more his title although he has fallen in lover with women outside his marriage. They just had to move so he and her are no longer together. Anyway back to topic.
J's husband is becoming increasingly jealous of J and my husband. So for the sake of her marriage J might have to end things with my husband. She just doesn't want to hurt hers anymore. And I feel for her and understand that.

But now my husband is hurting even though he understand why she might have to do this. She is talking things out with her husband. I know he is trying to be ok with her being in love with another man but it is hard for him. He has tried very hard to step aside but doesn't seem to be handling things very well. Sometimes he is so ok that he sends my husband pics of J in bikinis and lingerie. Other times he is breaking down and saying he gives up. Yet he leads a poly life himself, he just doesn't have an OSO at the moment, but he does have little flings from time to time.

It is going to be a long weekend of tears, talks and pain. Someone is going to come out hurting. And me, the mono, I think is the only one holding it together. Ironic wouldn't you say?

I am trying to be there for my husband. I know he is having a hard time with this. So am I. I have learned to be friends with J. Is there anything I can do besides be there and hold him? Her husband isn't really into talking to the rest of us. We have all tried but he refuses to get in the middle of it. I know he feels inferior because he is a heavier guy. My husband, the gym fanatic comes along, and his wife falls in love with him as well.

I wish I could help them. I am still accepting all of this as well. But I guess through all my research and talking on here I am handling this better than the three of them. Wierd that the mono has all the answers.
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Old 06-27-2010, 09:41 AM
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catbird catbird is offline
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And me, the mono, I think is the only one holding it together. Ironic wouldn't you say?
ak2381, you've been a member here longer than I have and it's really possible that you know more about the subject of polyamory than I do. Please excuse me for rushing in as a fool where angels fear to tread.

Surely you have by now thought about taking a lover of your own? Something out in the open, as polyamory is supposed to be? You say you're mono and I can respect that. Could you ever consider crossing the line? It just strikes me - and please excuse a fool - that what's sauce for the the gander ought to be sauce for the goose.
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Old 06-28-2010, 03:25 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Surely you have by now thought about taking a lover of your own? Something out in the open, as polyamory is supposed to be? You say you're mono and I can respect that. Could you ever consider crossing the line? It just strikes me - and please excuse a fool - that what's sauce for the the gander ought to be sauce for the goose.
As another mono, I can say that I thought of crossing that line. Why? Not to love someone else, but to take the sting out future partners my partner may have.

Here's a quick scenario that I have run through in my own head:

Mono pushes himself to take on another lover and finds one. New lover is quite happy with one lover. Mono falls in love with new partner and leaves the struggle of having a poly partner for the calm and comfort of having a mono one.

Not only is it not in a mono's nature to take on numerous lovers, it would be a pretty risky venture for the poly partner to encourage this as a possible way to gain freedom or acceptance...unless they had little invested in the relationship.

Of course...the mono person could turn out to be "not so mono" and then everything is different
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Old 06-28-2010, 05:33 AM
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Mono pushes himself to take on another lover and finds one. New lover is quite happy with one lover. Mono falls in love with new partner and leaves the struggle of having a poly partner for the calm and comfort of having a mono one.

Not only is it not in a mono's nature to take on numerous lovers, it would be a pretty risky venture for the poly partner to encourage this as a possible way to gain freedom or acceptance...unless they had little invested in the relationship.

Of course...the mono person could turn out to be "not so mono" and then everything is different
Dear MonoVCPHG,
Yes, I thought of some of this too and agree. A lot of this business has me stumped. It's very personal to the folks involved, and nearly any input one might give them could be wrong. Mono Wife's situation seems to say urgent, though, or at least help me.

And who doesn't need help sometimes? I'm pretty sure I'm not the proper helper here, only recently discovered I'm not mono. And man, I'm telling you, it's a hard thing to find out! Poly flies in the face of EVERYTHING in western society. You must think "Tell me something I don't know."

All I can do is wish these folks the best. Many at the site here have been dealing for a long time, though. Y'all seem pretty damn good to me.
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Old 06-28-2010, 05:35 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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All I can do is wish these folks the best. Many at the site here have been dealing for a long time, though. Y'all seem pretty damn good to me.
We're not so bad I guess
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