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Old 06-26-2012, 05:27 AM
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ksandra ksandra is offline
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Default Identity Question

This came from another thread but basically I identify as polyamorous, for as long as I can remember, even before I had the words to describe it I have always felt this way.

Recently I fell in love with a monogamous man. We were friends for a long time and used to talk for hours about polyamory and monogamy and everything in between. He has always maintained that if there is anything like a Kinsey scale for monogamy to polyamory he is a 1, totally 100% monogamous.

I have no desire to change him, though if he wants to try opening up I will support him and in return he has been everything I have ever wanted in a partner. He understands that I am capable of loving multiple people and in turn is totally accepting of this, however he has asked me to be monosexual. And for now this is something that I want to do because it means that he is in my life romantically.

So...can I still say I am polyamorous? Is there anyone who is living a monosexual life and identifies as polyamorous? What are peoples' thoughts about this?
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Old 06-26-2012, 05:47 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Yes. To me polyamory is an orientation, and it means the ability to fall in love with more than one person. Furthemore, your relationship is also polyamorous on your side (although monosexual).

I would say you are polyamorous and monogamous right now, or if that sounds confusing, polyamorous in a monogamous relationship. Someone who is bisexual is still bisexual when they're in a monogamous relationship with either a male or a female. They don't turn gay or straight. The orientation doesn't have to match the current relationship.

Hell, right now I'm polyamorous in a poly relationship which is de facto mono because we happen to have no other partners.

Basically, the way I see it:

- polyamorous/monoamorous: emotional relationship orientation. Can fluctuate over time and one person can be somewhere in the middle, not everyone is "wired", but if you are wired, doesn't disappear because you're single for instance.

- monogamy/polygamy: while I know many people hate the word polygamy, I personally consider the -gamy words to be the descriptive ones: how many partners you have. That's how I make the distinction between poly the orientation and poly the relationship.

- monosexual/polysexual: focused on the sex, I would consider it descriptive of a current situation rather than an orientation, because in my opinion a huge majority of people is polysexual if you consider it an orientation (very few people lose all desire for others when they have a sexual relationship with one person).

Therefore, a person might for instance be monoamorous and polysexual, meaning that their relationship allows for several sexual partners but they can only love one (or that they have several sexual partners despite their relationship only allowing for one, in which case they're also a cheater).
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Old 06-26-2012, 11:02 AM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
- monogamy/polygamy
I like the term. I think it`s a better descriptor in my case than polyamory is. Sorry for my ignorance but, why do people hate it?

I agree with Ton. Also, I usually want periods of monogamy when I`m meeting someone new, or when rediscovering a long-term relationship.

It makes no sense to me to adapt behavior to a label. As far as I`m concerned, behave first, label second...and, only when it helps you network with like-minded people.


Otherwise, it`s like trying to fit a square into a circle. Insert joke. I have no time, gotta go.
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Old 06-26-2012, 11:15 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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A lot of people dislike using "polygamy" because the average person, when they hear that word, thinks of religious polygyny, and a stereotypical version of it at that (with child brides, forced marriages, etc). They want to distance themselves from it. But personally I think that's the right fitting word, and since people need to be educated about polyamory anyways, I don't see why we should stop that, and not correct their misconceptions on polygamy as well.
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Old 06-26-2012, 03:54 PM
feelyunicorn feelyunicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
A lot of people dislike using "polygamy" because the average person, when they hear that word, thinks of religious polygyny, and a stereotypical version of it at that (with child brides, forced marriages, etc). They want to distance themselves from it. But personally I think that's the right fitting word, and since people need to be educated about polyamory anyways, I don't see why we should stop that, and not correct their misconceptions on polygamy as well.
Good point, thank you. Polyamory does sound like a PC word, in the sense that it tries to bring legitimacy to itself, as a minority practice, in the eyes of society at large, to something that may have already been practiced in the past, but had been stigmatized. A little like "African-American", as opposed to "negro".

So, an identity group is created around a new word. There`s nothing wrong with that, but I like to describe myself in the tersest, most matter-of-fact, most unromantic way possible.

The only thing that bothers me about polygamy is that it sounds like marriage. And...well, I think you know how I feel about marriage already.
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Last edited by feelyunicorn; 06-26-2012 at 04:15 PM.
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  #6  
Old 06-26-2012, 04:11 PM
AntiPoly AntiPoly is offline
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LOL! "Monogamous" and "Man" in the same sentence, that's a good one! Especially the fact that he's "100% monogamous."

Honey, don't let the man fool you. It is in my experience that Monogamous men are even more mythical than Unicorns. They don't exist, and the ones that say they are are more then likely just fucking around behind your back.
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Old 06-28-2012, 12:49 AM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ksandra View Post
So...can I still say I am polyamorous? Is there anyone who is living a monosexual life and identifies as polyamorous? What are peoples' thoughts about this?
If the folks with whom you're involved claim to be in romantic relationships with you and there happens to be more than one such person, yes, you are doing polyamory.

Even if that doesn't happen, you can identify as polyamorous within a negotiated monogamous relationship. I've been in mono relationships despite having always wanted multiple relationships.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 07-01-2012, 03:53 AM
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ksandra ksandra is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
Even if that doesn't happen, you can identify as polyamorous within a negotiated monogamous relationship. I've been in mono relationships despite having always wanted multiple relationships.
May I ask about the negotiated monogamous relationship part? Is there a way to negotiate a relationship so that a poly person can still feel they are living a poly lifestyle and the mono person can feel that they are living a mono lifestyle?
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  #9  
Old 07-06-2012, 05:18 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I'm bisexual.
I haven't had a girlfriend in over 17 years.
But, that doesn't change the fact that I'm sexually attracted to both men and women.
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