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Old 04-14-2010, 07:23 PM
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ladyjools ladyjools is offline
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Default downsides to polyamory

What do you think they are, i think i often go on about how great it is, and it is great for me but everything has some bad points,

my issue mainly

Time, (not having enough of it) and how compliated it can get to manage it.

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Old 04-14-2010, 09:04 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I have to say I am looking forward to this if it evolves. As a newb to poly I am interested to hear the downsides, right now I only see potential positives (excluding timing issues...)
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Old 04-14-2010, 09:33 PM
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Time.

Solving issues and the effort it requires:
By default-we all as people have issues we need to improve on, when we are single with no children we can pretty much focus on those as we see fit. When we add a partner we now have twice as many issues to deal with. When you add additional partners you have exponentially more because-for example in a couple you have a relationship but in a group of 3 you have 4 relationships and all of the relationship issues for each + all of the 3 individual people's issues.

The ability (and commonly abused one at that) for partners to blame each other for their own problems instead of actively dealing with their shit (if you are alone its harder to blame someone else for your kitchen being dirty for a simple example).

More need to use a calendar to keep it all straight.

Less alone time.
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Old 04-15-2010, 04:19 AM
CCretarolo CCretarolo is offline
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Time management seems to be the big one. I only have 2 partners but there are some definite issues with making the time to see them.

In between me looking for work, going to school, volunteering, and making time for my good friends... it's tough to make sure I have enough face to face time with my partners. Then add in that my romantic partner is even busier then I am and is in 2 other relationships... And then my FWB is almost always working, with his kids, or with one of his other sweeties...

I get to see my romantic partner maybe twice a week at the VERY most. I get to see my FWB once a week but sometimes I go 2 weeks without seeing him.
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Old 04-15-2010, 05:05 AM
booklady78 booklady78 is offline
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Yeah, the time issue can be difficult, although the benefits of having so much love in your life far outweighs that in my own experience.
The downside, for me anyway, is the way other people view my choice to be poly. Most have been supportive, or at least not openly judgmental. However, it's been heartbreaking to lose relationships with family over it. People can be so threatened by things that are 'different' that they aren't willing to even try to understand. That kind of intolerance is hurtful and very hard to come to terms with.
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Old 04-15-2010, 08:13 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
When we add a partner we now have twice as many issues to deal with.
I would say adding a partner more than doubles the issues. You still have your own issues as an individual, plus their issues as an individual, plus your mutual issues as a couple.

Theorem: the number of issues for n people in a poly arrangement is multiplied by 2^n - 1

So for 3 people, you have 3 people's individuals (3x) + the couple-wise issues (3x) + the issues as a 3-some (1x) = 7x

4 people, you have 15x the issues as a single person. And so on.
(4x individual + 6x pairs + 4x triples + 1x quad = 15x)

Hey, maybe there's a joint-math/psych thesis in here... lol yeah ok, I think it's bedtime, brain's getting silly...



Besides time, I would say another disadvantage to poly is having to put up with criticism from mainstream people, and having to keep the arrangement secret in some cases, depending on work / legal / social situations... and the difficulty in finding people to date who are either poly or at least open to the idea.
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Old 04-16-2010, 02:50 AM
saudade saudade is offline
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Unhappy Issues we're hitting up against

Echoing the group: not having enough time is rough. Scheduling is rough. Jealousy is rough.

Here's a few "new" ones...

~ Twig and I are bumping against the question of whether or not we will ever "close" our relationship and become polyfidelitous rather than our current incarnation of poly (which is pretty open, doesn't even preclude swinging amongst friends if we talk about it). He feels frustrated that our constellation of loves and friends is so changeable, and that he can't ever just say "this is it, this is how things look" the way you would in a monogamous marriage. In contrast, I freak a bit at the thought of polyfi-- what if I met someone new?

~ Having to talk about every damn thing. 90% of the time, it's great. We're so up front and clear with each other, and I love it. Once in awhile, though, it feels like we're expliciting things to death (not a word, I know...).

~ Balancing between getting individuals' needs met and being 'fair'. One of my partners leans toward clingy, and one leans toward independent (it's like dating a dog and a cat), and it feels like ping-pong trying to live with them sometimes...

~ Starting to feel like my circle of friends is getting pretty incestuous. Right now I love it, but I know if there's a breakup we could explode like a firecracker (and most of us are co-housing together!)

How about you?
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Old 04-16-2010, 03:18 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by saudade View Post

~ Having to talk about every damn thing. 90% of the time, it's great. We're so up front and clear with each other, and I love it. Once in awhile, though, it feels like we're expliciting things to death (not a word, I know...).



How about you?
Being polysaturated - feeling like everything we do in our social circle is hyphenated with "poly".

Poly brunch, poly picnic, poly camp, poly everything....A) I'm not poly, B) No one walks around planning mono-meals, mono-movies etc. I like to feel a bit blended and walking around with a sign above my head won't help. There seems to be a lot of politics involved for some people. "You can't do this unless you talk to that person"..it's like replacing one set of social rules for another. It also comes off as discriminatory and excluding which I understand because people want a safe environment to just be who they are.


It's gotten much better however...I'm feeling much more grounded.....now I think I'll sit down to a supper of poly-nesian quisine
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Old 04-16-2010, 03:31 AM
saudade saudade is offline
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Cool Forgot one!

First, @Mono:

Quote:
Being polysaturated - feeling like everything we do in our social circle is hyphenated with "poly".
Dude, I would love to feel poly-saturated... I think it's all a matter of degree/dosage? If you lent me one of your poly events a month, maybe we'd both feel better.

And now, the one problem I forgot:

~ The whole 'closet' issue. I'm in the process of coming out to K's and my entire extended family so that we can have our wedding without worrying about shocking anyone when the bride starts dirty-dancing with her hair stylist... or her dress-maker... or the emcee... or the best man!

Seriously, though, it's rough figuring out how far out of the closet to get with whom. I just want to live my life without worrying that someone'll try to take the kids I don't have yet, or get one of us fired... Ugh. (Cheers to living in an urban, progressive patch of America and minimizing the risks!)
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Old 04-19-2010, 09:53 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Being polysaturated - feeling like everything we do in our social circle is hyphenated with "poly".
OMG, I am "poly" and guess what Mon-I SO feel that way sometimes!
Sometimes I just want to BE, not TALK about what that is that I am be-ING!

Just to be able to have my loves and enjoy our relationships without having to spend all of my time explaining poly to some "un-exposed" person or whatever!!!!!!
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