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Old 06-25-2012, 03:52 AM
jerflan jerflan is offline
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Default Help with Nonmonogamy

Hi all,

I apologize if my inquiry is similar to others on here, but from my perusal, I was unable to find anything tat directly related to what I'm here for.

I've been with my partner for 2 1/2 years and we have been consistently grappling with how to make our nonmonogamous agreement work. Originally it was his request, and over time, I certainly like aspects of it, but I suffer from a sometimes unhealthy amount of jealousy. Here's some background.

When I play outside of our relationship, it's typically with someone I've met on an online forum, mobile app, or out at a club, and our connection is physical and usually non-repeating. This satisfies me as my sexual interests differ greatly from that of my partner. When he plays, it's often with friends, involves an emotional connection as well, and in several instances is an infrequent but regular occurrence. This is the part that makes me jealous. I'm very fearful that someone will try to take him from me, or less so that he will grow to love someone more than me.

In an effort to find a common ground, we have adapted our rules many times, with no success. Most recently, we closed the relationship as an experiment. It yielded a lot of positive things and brought us closer in many respects, but we both knew it was not a lasting solution.

In an effort to combat my demons of jealousy, I suggested we now try the complete opposite, and open the relationship without any of the previous rules (which were mostly to assuage my concerns). This weekend is SF Pride, and my partner went up, and I stayed home. This seemed like the perfect opportunity to test out this new phase. I had someone over on Friday, as per my normal procedure. He was fine with it. I'm fairly certain he has already enjoyed others, but again, this feeling of someone taking him from me, especially when I'm not there, is eating away at me. I really want to make this work, and learn to deal with these issues.

If there are others who have encountered similar experiences, or know how to beat the jealousy, I'd be ever so grateful!

Thanks for reading!

~J
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Old 06-25-2012, 04:45 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Welcome.

Did you do a tag search for 'jealousy'? There's oodles of great threads about it here.

Have you considered therapy?

I'm not much use other than that, as I'm the one being shared.
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Old 06-25-2012, 04:48 AM
jerflan jerflan is offline
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Thanks for the search suggestion. We went a few couple's counseling sessions, and they were somewhat helpful. Despite the frustration and desperation in my initial post, I am actually confident that we'll (I'll) be able to work through this, but I came across this forum and figured a lot of others would have good suggestions.
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Old 06-25-2012, 05:55 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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So you hard swing, and he's more poly because he wants emotional relationship and not just sex in there.

Quote:
I'm very fearful that someone will try to take him from me, or less so that he will grow to love someone more than me.
Isn't that kinda backwards on the first bit? How can anyone TAKE him from you? He's not a cookie. Isn't it enough to be a good partner he doesn't want to leave and enjoys coming home to and being with?

I used to have a partner that drove me so crazy. I loved him so, I was fully present, loving all my hardest. I wasn't even DATING anyone else at the time but he was SO stressy with the jealousy and anxiety about "worrying someone would take me away?" It shattered the rship. It was more the nonstop anxiety yammer, and the unwillingness to process what this was coming from, and worse -- paying THAT "what if?" thing so much attention but not paying ME any attention. I could understand the jealous had there been another partner. But there wasn't. He was "what if" clouding tempest teapotting and it made him not fun to be with.

I started thinking "God, this THING between us. I am not even DATING anyone else. We are essentially closed right now. And he's still going on and on. I make love deposits, and I never get any deposits back,. It's all drain here, he's not even in this rship -- he's guarding me looking out all the time. I feel like a thing, a trophy. Not person. It is tiresome, and I think I prefer to be ALONE and not dating anyone than WITH HIM and not dating one. It's THAT tiresome. So I broke up.

Food for thought.

On the second part grow to love someone more than you? When I think about who I love most, my kid and my spouse... I don't see my loving my kid taking anything from loving my spouse. They are different people, and I enjoy them for different reasons.

We are closed now, but when we were open? I loved my loves -- I didn't love any of them MORE than the others. I loved each for a different reason - one fed my mind and heart, one fed my body and heart.

That's cool that you learned this though:

Quote:
Most recently, we closed the relationship as an experiment. It yielded a lot of positive things and brought us closer in many respects, but we both knew it was not a lasting solution.
Why is this not a lasting solution like seasonal answer? In spring we are thus. In summer we closed for a season to strengthen. In fall we are thus. In winter we are thus. In your hard swing style, a "summer break" is nothing to your partners.

For his poly people, a "summer break" might require more negotiate-y depending on what stages his rships are at. But seriously? Can't give the primary a summer vacation? When he's present the other 9 mos a year?

Or maybe some other pattern. 3 mos open, 1 closed maybe.

I'd explore what you learned about that period of "closed" if it fed whatever it was that needed feeding so well you were able to go all the way open afterward as the next stage of your relationship process.

I think you are on the road to a solution for yourselves... just gotta hit the sweet spot pattern maybe? And learn more what IS getting fed with that?

Just some thoughts.

GalaGirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 06-25-2012 at 06:05 AM.
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Old 06-25-2012, 04:36 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I'd explore what you learned about that period of "closed" if it fed whatever it was that needed feeding so well you were able to go all the way open afterward as the next stage of your relationship process.
This! Did you communicate more? Did you spend more quality time together? What was different between the two of you? Have you read "The 5 Love Languages" book? When we are busy away from each other, it's easy to let the necessities slide. Also what do you really need from your partner to feel safe and loved? Are you effectively communicating that to your partner?

I need "quality time" (among other things) with my partner, but his activities kept him so busy that he was never home. As a response I would constantly complain that he was "never home", so he would stay home and then proceed to spend 6 hours engrossed in the computer. He thought he was doing what I wanted and staying home, but I felt even more alone and disconnected. When we were finally able to figure out that I needed QUALITY TIME, things improved.
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Old 06-26-2012, 12:15 AM
jerflan jerflan is offline
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Hey all,

Thanks for the input so so far. Gala girl, I would like to apologize if my wording made my view of my partner seem more possessive than it is. While I am comfortable exploring my polyamorous side, I still prefer the notion of having a very devoted primary relationship. My partner shares this view, albeit a little less steadfastly than I. When I types, "someone taking him from me," I meant that I'm concerned about his sexual partners developing a strong emotional connection that could potentially contest the one we have. That may sound a bit selfish from the perspective of a true polyamorist, but at this stage in my development, I'm not ready for that.

The period in which we were closed greatly improved our trust of one another. Knowing that I didn't have to worry about what he was doing when he was out made me feel less of need to request curfews or hourly updates. Furthermore, we were much more affectionate while together, whether it was cuddling on the couch or hugging and kissing more, etc. We were even more communicative, but sharing with each other in that sense has always been a strong point in the relationship.

I think it's safe to say many of my initial concerns with non monogamy have been assuaged, but I really want suggestions on how to deal with the jealousy. Earlier today, he told me about his long weekend at Pride thus far, and while I felt jealous, I was able to be more objective about it and not lash out at him or make him feel like he did something bad. My end goal is to not have those feelings surface at all.
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