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Old 06-24-2012, 01:39 AM
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nightrush nightrush is offline
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Question Time Limit...

Well, we have been together almost 8 months and the one partner had a break down, almost wanting to end everything and go back to it being him and the other partner, as i joined the relationship.

The other parter made it very clear it will never go back to the way it was... as he was not happy and i make him happier than he has ever been. It made it clear that if the three of us do not work, that we may all end up single or him and i together.

The partner who had a meltdown is feeling like he is being replaced, as i am more affectionate and am willing to share it equally but he pushes me away. The parter who accepts it, i give it to and he enjoys it ( snuggling, handing holding, sex, anything)

So after crying for days all of us, talking though this, the partner who had the blow up turns it on and off.... i am making as many emotional deposits into him as i can and trying to make him happy and bring back our spark. I try and try to give him affection, i tell him i love him and he will no longer say it, but just says i know and i care for you.

So.. this coming weekend Thrus- monday night, i am taking some time off work, taking him on a date alone on friday to the zoo, which he loves animals, then all three of us out to dinner. I told him we could do what ever he wants, and friday night we can all snuggle up and watch a movie together, that he wants.

I told the parter who is happy with me and I'm happy with that there is a ticking time clock. i can not keep giving deposits, and not getting them... I'm sick of crying and doing all the work here...i am willing to take off my ring, gather my things, and say my final goodbye if i do not hear the one parter tell me he loves me again by monday...

am i stepping over the line here ???
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Old 06-24-2012, 05:08 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Looks to me like the triad may turn into a vee.
If the partner who had a breakdown doesn't feel like being intimate with you (physically or emotionally) I don't think you should force it. I agree that you can't keep giving and not getting anything, but it seems to me you can stop giving him attention he doesn't seem to want.
That does not mean your relationship with the other partner needs to pay for it if it's a happy relationship. Similarly, the two others can have a fulfilling relationship together, too. If you were forced on one of the partners and he's now pushing you away, I think it might be time to break that branch of the triad. Who knows, maybe he'll feel better after a break and come back to you. If not, there are still two relationships left, I'm not sure why you'd have to break off just because one of them isn't working out anymore.
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Old 06-24-2012, 12:57 PM
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nightrush nightrush is offline
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With this being all of our first attempt at being poly, their agreement was all or nothing... That is why i would have to leave the other one as well... I know that put me in a bad place if this happens, but that is what we all decided... At the time i had great hope and trusted that this would never come... sadly... here i sit... in a very dark place waiting to see what happens...
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Old 06-24-2012, 01:24 PM
km34 km34 is offline
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Ok, so there is you, partner A (accepting of affection and overall happy with you), and partner B (doesn't accept affection and refuses to say "I love you" now).

Partner A and Partner B decide to add you to their relationship. They decide that it is either all of you, or you get kicked out so they can return to the way they were before. However, the way they were before was that Partner A was not very happy.

Partner B decides he doesn't want to be with you anymore. Or if he does, he sucks at showing you, to the point that you are unhappy in the relationship. You agree to work on it, but feel that it is unfair that you are treated so poorly. Partner A agrees that it is unfair and thinks he could be happy with you, but couldn't be happy going back to being just with Partner B.

Now, I understand that Partners A and B entered into this together, but does that mean they have to leave it together? I don't think so. If Partner A isn't happy, he needs to figure out what would make him happy and go for it. If it means breaking a promise to Partner B, so be it. As long a Partner B is made aware of WHY things are happening and still chooses to do nothing to change it, he doesn't deserve to be in a relationship with either of you. I also don't understand why in the world Partner A would even plan on staying in a relationship that he didn't feel happy in.

On that note, have you communicated to Partner B that you have put a time limit on your relationship? I have no idea how long this has been going on, but if he doesn't know that you are threatening to leave, what good does it do? Do you expect him to magically change just because you've told him you're unhappy without telling him how incredibly unhappy you are? Ignore all of that if you have informed him.

I could also see a vee being a possibility, if Partner B was willing to work on his insecurities. If you and he just aren't compatible, you aren't compatible. It sounds like he has a lot of fear and that may be where all of this is coming from. Have the three of you thought about seeking some sort of therapy or counseling to help your communication? Also, the love languages book/assessment is really helpful for people who have different modes of showing affection.
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Old 06-24-2012, 01:39 PM
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nightrush nightrush is offline
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Yes that sums it up... I don't see a Vee as being an option at all in this sadly... The time limit is more so for myself, as i torn and i can not continue to cry and be upset every day for the next month.
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Old 06-24-2012, 04:04 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I have learned that hearing the words "I love you" are not nearly as important as the actions of someone I am involved with. I gauge the success of a relationship on how I feel when I am with that person. If I am being treated in a caring, respectful, and honest way, and receiving the affection I want, what difference does it make that they tell me they love me? Hell, often the most nightmarish relationships are supposedly based on love, but so what? Love isn't enough to make it work.

Being treated in a loving manner is much more valuable than hearing those words. Actions speak louder, as they say, and love can be expressed in many different ways. Some people just do not have an easy time saying it, nor in being physically affectionate, and I don't feel it's fair to pressure someone into saying "I love you" or being more physical than they are comfortable with, especially if most of what we have makes me happy.

If you're getting what you need from one partner, why do you think the other partner, a completely different person with their own set of baggage and modes of expression, has to give to you and treat you exactly in the same way? Why turn your preferences into demands? They could say it is quite unloving of you to not let them be who they are and express their feelings in the way they see fit.

Just some food for thought.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 06-24-2012 at 04:13 PM.
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