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  #1  
Old 06-19-2012, 12:22 AM
Adam Adam is offline
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Unhappy Why is it harder?

Disclaimer: a bit of a rant here.

So, if you've read my previous (first) post here, you're privy to the details and background of my story. If not, I'll give you the abridged version.

My wife and I, through whatever catalyst, introspection and soul searching has led us here, are moving into the Poly world. We've discussed at length, had all the necessary conversations, and things moved a bit quick from there. She went on a business trip, met a coworker she'd been communicating through work, they hit it off (so to speak).
She comes home (nothing's happened, just a dinner-date) and we talk some more. Lot's of happiness and compersion abound. Month goes by, they'r emailing & texting (no-holds-barred style). Now plans are tentatively drawn for a liaison over a weekend.

Here's my strife. We're married. We're experimenting with Poly. She's not even a week into the process of researching it and finds someone she's starting to fall in love with. Her beau is very understanding and accepting of the whole situation and rather cool with the poly ideals (lucky us to find such a guy, what with typical male possessiveness).
Why is it so much harder for a guy in the same situation (me) to meet women? Not even poly-friendly women, just a 'foot-in-the-door' kind of meeting? It's like they see the ring and look the other way.
I know gender has almost everything to do with it, in the context of society. Men are 'supposed' to be horn-dogs and uncaring as to the marital status of a woman who's interested in him, whilst women are 'supposed' to be forever enchanted once they find their one true love, yet never despoil the trappings of another woman.
This is what society teaches us.

Now, and I do not mean to sound arrogant or conceited (in fact, I'm almost painfully modest at times), but I consider myself to be a relatively attractive man with a lot going for me.
Yet, why do we start at such a disadvantage? Why does it have to be that way?

In the words of Gavin Katz (Pedestrian Polyamory podcast), I just want some ice cream too!

A battle-royale of the sexes is not needed nor intended. This is just a rant, as aforementioned.

Any words of wisdom/advice?
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  #2  
Old 06-19-2012, 12:32 AM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Three words: "Supply and Demand"

Look at any of the online dating sites - the number of men looking far outweighs the number of women. Women can afford to be picky.

Now why that imbalance is there, I have no clue.

lovefromgirl and I both signed up to OKCupid at the same time - she regularly gets visits and messages from guys who are interested. The only visits I get are ones who come to me through her page (her age, her location). I have written some social types of messages, and rarely do I get an answer.

I'm lucky, in that I'm not looking (the main reason I signed up was so that lovefromgirl and I could check out the profiles of folks that had expressed an interest in her), but if I WAS looking, I would also be mightily frustrated.
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Old 06-19-2012, 12:43 AM
Adam Adam is offline
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CielDuMatin,
Firstly, I too am on OKCupid and share your progress. I am starting to feel that such sites are merely for men to pursue women and women to receive attention.
That said, I actually have come across both lovefromgirl's profile and yours (through hers, obviously), so I think we're in a rather close geographical net...

Moreover though, I'm talking IRL (in real life for those not up on the lingo ).
I know I'm at least respected or respectable, but as a stay at home dad who does the shopping (with an infant strapped on my back) and wearing a wedding ring, how would I ever get the chance to inform a 'fine example of female attention' that I'm available? Should I wear a sign? Should I open with "I'm married, yes, but my wife let's me date..."?

I don't know, maybe I just need to meet more people, make more friends? (in my free time, right?)

Anyway, thanks for the response to my rant
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Old 06-19-2012, 01:14 AM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Well, one of the ways to bypass all the online stuff is to meet folks in real life. I have found that poly social gatherings can get you to know many similarly-minded people. I have always attended on the basis of making friends, though, rather than attempting to find a date - it becomes too much of a meat market with raised expectations and that just causes everything to feel awkward.

Find a local group that suits you and go meet a few people, would be my advice. Take a night off from being the house-husband and have some time for yourself, you know?
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Old 06-19-2012, 01:25 AM
Adam Adam is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Take a night off from being the house-husband and have some time for yourself, you know?
Would love to! Let's see.. next opening in my schedule is...........

Part of the problem is that I live at least 30 minutes outside of any metro area, and I'm also a full-time student as well as a full-time stay at home dad.

We'll see
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Old 06-19-2012, 03:31 AM
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NovemberRain NovemberRain is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Adam View Post
Would love to! Let's see.. next opening in my schedule is...........

Part of the problem is that I live at least 30 minutes outside of any metro area, and I'm also a full-time student as well as a full-time stay at home dad.

We'll see

So, I have a question. If you don't have time to go to a social meeting to make friends (and perhaps find potential partners), how will you have time to date potential partners?

Can you go to social events involving the kids? I'm sure libraries are full of moms with kids. Maybe she's married, but maybe she has a single friend who's just right for you. Maybe she has a poly friend who's just right for you.

Personally? I've always done better making friends and then realizing I'd like to date them, than I have 'meeting dates.'
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Old 06-19-2012, 03:53 AM
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Piping up to say I've messaged you on OKC, Adam, if you are who my little birdies think you are, and to reiterate in a very public way that the problem isn't you. It's harder to date, period, when you're not in a city or a suburb, and it's worse when you have responsibilities on top of that.

In terms of the numbers game on OKC, I count five in all five years I've had a profile. The pickings there are slim; a lot are looking for sex first and foremost. A few think they can rope a filly from the poly herd. Very few can possibly have passed middle school English. These things matter!

I only met CdM when I told myself to quit looking and go get some perspectives on poly at a local group. I didn't know he'd be there or that we'd click! Honest! The universe tossed us in each other's paths and lo, four years later, there's a small but thriving polycule here in Western NY. Sheer serendipity. Had I not met him, I would in all likelihood still be single. Awesome just doesn't happen every day.
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  #8  
Old 06-19-2012, 04:03 AM
Pretzels Pretzels is offline
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Think of this as you would any other major life change - when you hit puberty, did you have a girlfriend the next day? Likely no. So don't put unreasonable expectations on your new identity. Relax and have fun. The right one will wander along.
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Old 06-19-2012, 11:56 AM
Adam Adam is offline
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Thanks everyone for the input.
As I stated at the beginning of my post, this was just a rant. I'm fairly realistic about any relational possibilities, now or in the future. I'm really, truly just hoping to meet a few folks and make some friends, as I have been putting most other priorities before that.
Mostly, my angst comes from the natural human reaction to seeing my wife find someone lickedy-split and wishing for something as well. Gavin (Pedestrian Polyamory podcast) phrased it well when he said something along the lines of "You have ice cream, and it's not that I want you to not have ice cream. I just would like some ice cream, too".

So, if anyone's in the CNY area (you know who you are) and either wants to hang out sometime, or if you have kids, get together for a playdate, feel free to message me

Thanks again all, I'm really appreciating this community we have here!
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  #10  
Old 06-19-2012, 02:50 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Adam View Post
CielDuMatin,
Firstly, I too am on OKCupid and share your progress. I am starting to feel that such sites are merely for men to pursue women and women to receive attention.
I'm an old, fat guy and I average a couple of visitors a week on my OKC profile. I receive a new message at least once a month. I send a couple of messages out each month and get a response from one in five.

Nobody who has contacted me has stated they find my handsome mug compelling--it's always "I read your profile and found it interesting." Update your profile regularly. I suspect writing notes/blog posts/whatever OKC calls them would also garner some interest.

And my new partner approached me on OKC a few weeks back. I suspect that illustrates that the site isn't just for women to get attention from men.

So, while my wife gets much more attention from other people most of the time, I'd say that's a difference between male and female dating strategies as experienced in our culture. I never expect to get the obvious attention my wife gets.
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