Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 06-17-2012, 08:41 PM
Magenta Magenta is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: western europe
Posts: 6
Default space and time

Hi there,

I'm not sure whether I'm doing the real poly thing (whatever that would be) but I have a question that is related.

I am married with three kids, living with my husband. We get along quite well as long as I have the freedom to see others (which is rather new to us and still makes me feel very bad).
Before we decided to open up I felt under pressure, this has faded now. Being able to hang out with others relieves me. I don't project all my expectations on one single person... which makes us get along better.
He was very hurt when I first mentioned I wanted to open our relationship, but now seems okay with the situation.

I don't know whether we are actually loving partners anymore. I do care about him. A lot. But we haven't had sex for five years and I can't imagine this anymore. (A note on this: We have always been imbalanced, me wanting more sex than him. In the last years he never took any initiative. If I didn't start it, there was no sex. I felt neglected but didn't want to bother him. Big mistake, I know. I hoped that he would miss our sex life eventually and would show me he wanted me - but no. So now we are here. - But we had other issues as well.)

So this is how we live. Three kids, two parents getting along but not entirely sure how future looks. We will always be connected, we care about each other and we care about our kids. But I have to learn to care about myself, too, again.

And now I'm wondering:
How, when and where can I meet other people? I can't bring them home, that's for sure. Here goes my husband's border and I have to respect that. Actually I can't imagine that either.
So do we have do rent a second apartment? How do you guys solve this?!?

This was basically it. A simple question, a lot of text

Thanks for reading me
Magenta
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 06-17-2012, 11:17 PM
swingorpoly swingorpoly is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Edmonton
Posts: 9
Default

Wow...that's a lot of issues for a simple question. I would suggest you have a relationship to fix first before worrying where you end up with a lover.

As far as the actual question, For myself we ended up buying a condo in a nearby city for a variety of reasons, one was to make it our little sex den but you could always meet at their place. We met people that had common interests, my wife through her gym, me through a non-profit society.

Here's a thought and i'm trying to not make assumptions but you tend to have to in a forum. If you're going to be poly it's all about trust, openess and honesty. Obviously there's a reason he's not wanting sex, be it medical, attraction some sort of hurt etc. Can you be open and understanding and focus on him even if your feelings get hurt? Maybe even ask him to email it to you ao there is no emotion or less emotion. The trick is getting to the root of the problem and tackling it instead of the jealousy or hurt. E.g. If he says, well you've gained a lot of weight and i just don't find it attractive. One response could be .....well you asshole, you're no spring chicken either tubby!!! Or, you could say, well obviously it'll take some time to change that but i'm willing, if you are there to help me. For every milestone we reach i want you to plan a nice romantic evening.

That example is a little harsh but it was to demonstate that openess can sometimes be blunt. You have to take emotion out of it or it just becomes emotion feeding on emotion.

Goodluck, my other thought was maybe go to a swing club instead and use the sexually charged atmosphere for rekindling, discussions but don't plan on doing anything.

I'm new at this though so take it with a grain of salt. I also have a great relationship to start from.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 06-18-2012, 05:37 PM
Magenta Magenta is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: western europe
Posts: 6
Default

Thanks for your response.

I know the circumstances are not what people advise. But that's life, I'll have to deal with the way things developed.

We actually define the relationship as broken but simply can't afford to but a second home. Renting is almost impossible in this town. We live in a gresat neighbourhood with many friends literally next door, our kids go to a brilliant school around the corner - most of the time I feel that the situation at home doesn't make me suffer 'enough' to make me give up all that. If this relationship was physically or emotionally violent, this would be different, but we are friends and get along well.

But of course, this is the reason for my first sentence above. I'm not sure whether this counts as poly. We do care for each other, but we are not in a romantic relationship any more. So basically we are just friends.

Re: being open and understanding: I've tried for ages. He just doesn't want to talk about sex. Neither about things he might like, nor about things that don't work out (e.g. his erectile dysfunction - and trust me, I was really really careful when trying to talk to him about this). I can't reach him. And after five years, I don't want anymore, it hurts too much. And again, sex was just one of several issues - no more but no less either.

So we talked about getting divorced and moving away. Then we realised that (at the moment) we find it easier to give each other the freedom to have other relationships and still parent together and be with each other on a platonic basis. We might decide otherwise in half a year, but this is our idea right now.

And now I wonder: How can we let other people into our hearts when we can't bring them home? Maybe a small appartment will do? Does this all sound too pragmatic...?
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 06-18-2012, 05:40 PM
lovefromgirl's Avatar
lovefromgirl lovefromgirl is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: The Great Soggy Northeast
Posts: 353
Default

You know, if the relationship essentially isn't, I wonder why your husband would even care that someone's coming into the home. Would you object to him bringing partners home?
__________________
"I swear, if we live through this somebody's going to find their automatic shower preferences reprogrammed for ice water."

Refuge in Audacity { home of the post-raph stunner }
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 06-18-2012, 06:05 PM
swingorpoly swingorpoly is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Edmonton
Posts: 9
Default

I feel for you and him. It's too bad it has come down this road. Obviously you both care for each other and have a lot of respect for each other. Friends without benefits i suppose is where it is at like you said. For now meet others on their own turf physically and ask if non-physical interactions can occur in public or the home. Just don't flaunt it, treat your others like any other good friend when they come over.

Good luck.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 06-18-2012, 08:35 PM
Magenta Magenta is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: western europe
Posts: 6
Default

Well he said he would mind, and I believe him. I would probably also mind but he's far from bringing someone. It was me who started talking about breaking up. Somehow he had wanted to carry on our relationship...
So there is a bias in this whole situation.

I could never relax when my SO is around, our house is too small. No, bringing someone simply wouldn't feel okay, for none of us - the kids included.

I had a short relationship with a girl some months ago. My husband knew this from the very beginning and we always met at her place. This was possible because she had a place of her own, but not everybody has (I haven't ). Still it was complicated as she lived in another town 35 miles from here.

Some days I feel hypocrite in this situation. In these moments, I think I should make a clear cut and just move on. Raise the kids in a 50-50 model with him, but start all over again. On my own.
The next minute I am convinced that it is society that makes me think that way, because this is what you are supposed to do if you want to share your bed with someone else. That's why I think I might fit here anyway. I don't want to base these vital decisions on what society thinks is supposed to happen, but I want to listen to the people involved.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:57 PM.