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Old 06-15-2012, 04:58 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Default husband and best friend want to have sex

I'll try to be succinct, but more details may be necessary for clarification so please ask.

My best friend, practically my sister, is coming out of a psychologically and verbally abusive relationship. She lives in another city, and my husband works out of town about 1 hour away from her, on a 10-day-on/4-day-off cycle. He has been staying with her at night because she's afraid her ex will come back and do something stupid.

While they were together, they started having sexual feelings towards each other. They'd like to pursue a sexual, non-romantic relationship. Their motivation is a combination of "convenience sex" as well as reminding her that there are guys out there who aren't like her ex.

My husband has a long track record of successfully avoiding romantic feelings in sexual relationships, as well as letting girls down gently and remaining friends if they start to get attached. My friend has had fuck buddies before without getting attached. They've played together at fetish events before, and while it was a little weird after, there were no lasting effects on any of our relationships. They're both confident that they can avoid a romantic involvement.

Obviously, an arrangement like this (best friend with husband) can only work out if everyone is open and honest. That's already off to a bad start. First, they had "sexually charged cuddling" for two nights in a row before the question of sex was discussed with me. This has been addressed, but is still a cause for concern. Second, she doesn't communicate well and I don't think she's capable of being fully open and honest.

What are people's thoughts on this? Obviously I have some reservations or I wouldn't be posting, but I'm not sure how much of that is irrational fear, and how much is rational, based on reading failed experiences of others in similar situations.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 06-15-2012 at 07:37 PM.
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Old 06-15-2012, 05:07 PM
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Hm, the first concern I would have is: Even if it didn't happen in the past during some situations for any of them, does that make 'no feelings possible to attach' a rule? It could be different from person to person they meet or get involved with. I know that some are able to separate sex and feelings (I am not, at least the sex doesn't feel that good without feelings, but never mind, I am not some kind of standard). But I would never assume some kind of guarantee that there will never develop something between them just because of that.

The second point coming to mind is this 'healer attitude'. Yes, there are nice men out there. Yes, shying away from all physical or intimate contact for life would be unhealthy. But this kind of sounds therapeutic and he isn't some kind of professional or something like that. So if the friend feels the need to overcome some fears, I would look elsewhere.

I wouldn't feel OK with this situation personally.
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Old 06-15-2012, 05:48 PM
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Well, SC, I have always thought of you as very rational and level-headed in your approach to poly. I don't know quite why, but I am a little surprised that you have concerns about this, especially since they have been sexual with each other before (I assume that's what you mean when you say they "played together at fetish events" - or was it not full-on intercourse/sex?). So, my question is, are you concerned that they actually will develop "romantic" feelings for each other? If so, what is it, exactly, that you are afraid of or apprehensive about? Or is it something else? Because I actually don't see too much of a problem in this situation. Again, I'm not sure why, but my gut reaction is that it will be fine if they go ahead and do this. This is just a sense I have from the little bit I have read about you and your husband's relationship in your posts -- as long as everyone voices any insecurities or discomfort and does what is needed to handle it.
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Last edited by nycindie; 06-15-2012 at 05:51 PM.
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Old 06-15-2012, 07:17 PM
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Short version: they've never had sex, and I'm apprehensive that she could develop feelings for him that he is not capable of returning. That could make things weird and ruin our friendship. This is all compounded by some bad starts to open and honest communication (which I forgot to mention before and am now going to add to my original post).

Long version:

His penis has never been out of his pants when they've played, and it's always been in public. He put on a fisting workshop once and she was his demo. With a room full of "students" it was all very clinical and not at all sexy... and yet it was still weird between she and I afterwards. They played one other time at a fetish ball, and it was only spanking. So we're definitely entering new territory here.

My husband is not polyamorous, he just likes sexual variety. He has absolutely no desire for anything but fucking, nor does he have time and energy for an additional romantic relationship. Because of how he is, the possibility of them getting romantically involved is right off the table. I guess I'm apprehensive that she could develop feelings for him that he wouldn't return, and that our friendship would get caught in the crossfires. She's one of 3 people, not including my husband, that I really consider to be a close friend, and I can't afford to lose that over a few rolls in the hay... not when there's so much other cock and pussy out there, if it's really "just sex."

Obviously, an arrangement like this (best friend with husband) can only work out if everyone is open and honest. That's already off to a bad start for two reasons:

1. They had "sexually charged cuddling" for two nights in a row before the question of sex was discussed with me. He waited until he knew there was the possibility of sex happening. My husband's take was that if nothing was going to happen, why cause me distress by bringing it up? We've discussed that now, and he understands that I would rather have had a false alarm with full disclosure than to have been kept in the dark, but it still sounds my warning bells.

2. She's a terrible communicator. We were all trying to talk about this last night, and she was just saying what she thought I wanted to hear so that I would give the go ahead. For example, I mentioned my concern about feelings developing. She just said "well, that won't happen. It didn't happen last time, why would this be any different?" I find that attitude naive. Afterwords, in private conversation with my husband, he admitted that her body language did not match the words coming out of her mouth. I don't feel like I can trust her to admit it if she starts to have feelings for him, because she knows it would put an end to the arrangement. I would basically be putting all my trust in my husband's ability to read her and stay ahead of any fallouts, and if that doesn't work out, it could damage my trust in him, which would be awful.

I'm the kind of person who learns from the mistakes of others. I'm not naive enough to believe that we're above those risks just because we're more informed and rational. If I had a crystal ball and I knew there would be no fallouts to my friendship or marriage, then I wouldn't be worried at all. But I've seen far too many horror stories on here where people went into things planning on it being casual or whatever, and then things blew up, relationships were destroyed, friendships lost. That's what I'm trying to avoid.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 06-15-2012 at 07:44 PM.
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Old 06-15-2012, 07:43 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
We were all trying to talk about this last night, and she was just saying what she thought I wanted to hear so that I would give the go ahead.
This is not a good sign.
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Old 06-15-2012, 07:48 PM
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This is not a good sign.
I agree, and that's one of my biggest reasons for concern. It's not even that I think she's being deliberately manipulative or something. It's more like, she's been manipulated for the last 3 years. She had to form a protective layer to cope, and forget about telling her abusive boyfriend how she felt. I suspect she's learned to tell HERSELF what SHE needs to hear, and now she needs to unlearn that behaviour.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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Old 06-19-2012, 02:38 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
He waited until he knew there was the possibility of sex happening.
He can't report the possibility of sex until he knows there's a possibility of sex. There's absolutely nothing to report prior to that. Faulting him for not reporting what he didn't know seems quite silly to me.

Srsly. I don't see anything hinky in this.
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Old 06-19-2012, 06:49 PM
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Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
He can't report the possibility of sex until he knows there's a possibility of sex. There's absolutely nothing to report prior to that. Faulting him for not reporting what he didn't know seems quite silly to me.

Srsly. I don't see anything hinky in this.
Oh he knew all right. He knew that he wanted to bang her. What he didn't know is whether she wanted to bang him.

Not infrequently he'll see a nice ass on the street and tell me that she'd be fun to fuck. Obviously, in those cases, there's no real possibility of sex but he tells me anyway.

But I fully agree that there's nothing hinky about it. I never said he wasn't trying to get away with anything, nor did I for a second accuse him of that. I just wanted him to know that I like it when he tells me how he's feeling, even if there's nothing to get worked up about. For his part, he was just trying to protect me, and I understand and respect that.
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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Old 06-15-2012, 07:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Phy View Post
The second point coming to mind is this 'healer attitude'. Yes, there are nice men out there. Yes, shying away from all physical or intimate contact for life would be unhealthy. But this kind of sounds therapeutic and he isn't some kind of professional or something like that. So if the friend feels the need to overcome some fears, I would look elsewhere.
It's interesting that you caught that, because he actually has explicitly said that there's an element of therapy in this. He actually is a trained therapist (addictions counselling specifically, but it was a comprehensive program that dealt with all kinds of emotional issues), though he doesn't practice because he doesn't like dealing with other people's problems :P
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Gralson: my husband (works out of town).
Auto: my girlfriend (lives with her husband Zoffee).

The most dangerous phrase in the English language is "we've always done it this way."
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  #10  
Old 06-16-2012, 02:29 AM
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While I think there's a place for therapeutic escorts, I question if it's a good idea for someone who has such a personal relationship with her to do that. Coming out of a monogamous abusive relationship doesn't seem like the best time to start sleeping with a best friend's husband - It's bound to get everyone looking at the past, present, and future with a microscope.

If she can work through her issues and be totally open and honest, I say go for it. It sounds like before she can do this, she'll have to work on her relationship with you.
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