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Old 04-08-2010, 10:53 PM
lvfcs lvfcs is offline
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Hi, I come here for some guidance, I've been here before and feel bad to just post when things get ugly, but I dont know where else to ask.

I'll try to be short and explain the situation. I'm a girl, straight, who started a relationship with this couple who's been married for a very long time. I said couple, because the 'rule' since the beggining has been all or none. Even if I am only in love with him, I care very much for the both of them. My problems lay on the sexual aspect of the relationship. I am perfectly ok, in fact I am happy with all the other aspects like sharing lives together, activities and all that. Now we've been talking about trying to balance things better and have moments where I am intimate with him and him with her, and moments were we are all together without her and I being intimate. I hope I make sense.

Now the sleeping arrangements have always been we all sharing the same bed, with him in the middle. Wich are ok with me, but they tend to become sexual. I am actually very conflicted, because I love him, and I want to continue with this relationship, but at the same time I dont know how to get past this feeling of having to endure something I'm not really comfortable with.

I hope you can shade some light, thx!
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Old 04-08-2010, 11:03 PM
noob noob is offline
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You shouldn't have to have sex with anyone you don't want to have sex with, no matter what the other parties want. If he really cares about you, he should respect that completely.
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Old 04-08-2010, 11:24 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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My immediate observation is sleeping in the same bed is asking for trouble imo. (not assigning blame btw, just making an observation)...it might be time to look at changing the sleeping arrangements.
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Old 04-08-2010, 11:27 PM
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WaywardDruid WaywardDruid is offline
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Lightbulb Stand firm...

You should sit down with him or better both of them and state your boundaries and limits to your V. It is a V with him at the point and you and his wife at the ends. You state firmly that you want just sex with him and that being the case get away from this 3 in a bed routine unless it's just for his pleasure. "IF" this is not something the couple can come to terms with then they aren't really seeking a poly relationship imo but just looking for a unicorn that will get hurt in the end.

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Old 04-09-2010, 12:25 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I agree with previous comments.
I wanted to say-AS a hinge (woman) in love with two straight men I see this as a HUGE disrespect of BOTH of them towards you.

I would LOVE to sleep with both my men all of the time in THEORY-because I love both of them.

We've only ever done that ONE TIME.
We've only ever done anything sexual all together ONE time (same time).

It was wonderful. They knew I was having a REALLY serious surgery the next morning, I was emotional, I was stressed.

Maca agreed to drag our mattress upstairs to the livingroom (so as not to "invade" either of their bedrooms) and we could sleep there. The plan was for just cuddling and sleep.
Maca knew I would love more-but I would not ask.
He instigated it by asking GG if he was ok with it for that moment.
GG agreed.
They made a night of each of them pleasuring me.

BUT-
I would NEVER disrespect them and ask them to be together just because it's what I want. That's unreasonable and unfair!
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Old 04-09-2010, 12:29 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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We sometimes sleep in the same bed...usually nothing sexual but because we have both loved Redpepper together several times we have a pretty deep bond and appreciation for what that brought into our relationship. I definitely do not think you should be doing anything that you are not comfortable with as well.

As per everyone else's opinion...be honest and upfront.
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Old 04-09-2010, 01:39 AM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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Yep to all that's been written. LVFCS, you and I and MonoVCPHG are all secondaries: lovers of someone who is in a poly marriage.

Someone posted a link to the Secondary's Bill of Rights on another thread.

Quote:
In a nutshell: I have the right to be treated with dignity, respect, consideration, and courtesy. This is true of any relationship, regardless of its form and regardless of its status. Using the word "right" in this context means "This is something that it is reasonable and normal for me to expect, and reasonable and normal for my partner to give me."
The discussion there has a lot of good ideas.

Last edited by EugenePoet; 04-09-2010 at 01:42 AM.
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Old 04-09-2010, 03:11 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lvfcs View Post
Now the sleeping arrangements have always been we all sharing the same bed, with him in the middle. Wich are ok with me, but they tend to become sexual. I am actually very conflicted, because I love him, and I want to continue with this relationship, but at the same time I dont know how to get past this feeling of having to endure something I'm not really comfortable with.

I hope you can shade some light, thx!
Hey LVFCS,

I'm a little fuzzy on the above quote. Maybe having a "slow" moment ?

Not sure who the "They" is referring to in this context - "they" being him & her - or "they" being moments ? ("they" become sexual)

But assuming that the "they" is him & her and that you are uncomfortable with the whole 3 way sex part - or being a forced observer, (even if no F/F play is included) then you should definitely just express your discomfort. And we hope it would be respected !

On a second note also, and I hope THIS is something all 3 of you can have a nice discussion on, beds are not ONLY for sex ! As I suspect many here can echo, when there is that deep love between people, all cuddling up sleeping and waking up together is a very special pleasure. Especially for the hinge. It's a shame to have to forgo that simple pleasure because sex interferes with it. Maybe you can work out some sex alternatives that will leave room for that close cuddle time. At least it would be something I would shoot for.

GS
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