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Old 04-08-2010, 05:34 PM
noob noob is offline
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Default what if I'm just an asshole?

This is the question echoing in my head all day today.

I think there must be some kind of "coming out to yourself as poly" 5 stage process...and one of the stages is thinking you're just an incredible asshole

All through high school and college, I always, always had extra-relationship "affairs." I simply wasn't, apparently, capable of being "faithful" to one person. Curiosity or circumstance always got the better of me, even if I didn't go out "looking." In my marriage, I have stuck to monogamy, but it's easier when you're living with someone; I have a kid and a career and a house and no time.

The happiest I ever was in high school was when I had two boyfriends, but then I felt horrible when they wouldn't accept each other and I had to choose. I didn't want to choose; I wanted them both, but I had no model for that and truly believed that I had to choose.

Now that I've met someone (and am falling hard for him), I am trying to use a poly model to break out of that "you have to choose" monogamy ideology, which has only ever served to make me miserable, and I'm being as honest as I can with my husband and my OSO...

But in some ways, I feel like I'm back in HS. The self-doubting part of me says I'm just trying to have my cake and eat it too, I'm being selfish, I'm a bad person, etc., etc.

Do you think that my past is somehow "proof" or evidence that I am poly-oriented? Stupid question, right? I don't know...I feel like I am doing something wrong, even though I am happy. Someone more experienced than me, please help
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Old 04-08-2010, 05:42 PM
kamala kamala is offline
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Well, who knows, but I think a real asshole doesn't consider the question of how much of an asshole they are?
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Old 04-08-2010, 05:45 PM
noob noob is offline
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HA! You made me laugh, which is a welcome departure from sitting around feeling like an asshole
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Old 04-08-2010, 06:04 PM
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idealist idealist is offline
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This is how I approach it within myself. I ask myself these questions. Am I in love with these people? Do I desire to develop deeper connections with them? Are we all able to be open and honest about our thoughts and feelings? Do we all respect and trust one another? If my answer is "no" to any of these, then I begin to focus on how to develop things so that this is what I have. It takes the focus off of me not being perfect and gives me a goal....something to work on......like right now I am working on earning the trust of Holland. She is Charle's primary lover and I am his secondary. She didn't choose polyamory, but has just fallen into it. She vacilates between loving me and being mad at me. So, gradually and with patience, I have to earn her trust....by showing her (not just telling her) that "It's okay" and "I'm not a threat to you" "I'm not trying to take Charles away from you" etc. It's a process. Be kind to yourself !!
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Old 04-08-2010, 06:39 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Why do assholes get such a bum rap?
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Old 04-08-2010, 06:45 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Why do assholes get such a bum rap?
oh come on...you didn't just do that did you hahaha...
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