Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 04-06-2010, 05:56 PM
noob noob is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 58
Default what to do when partner is supportive of other rlnshp but doesn't "get" poly?

So my husband is fine with my pursuing a potential relationship with my other love interest, M. We talked more last night, and he is even fine with me seeing him and spending the night with him (the only real tension might be over finances, since M lives far away...).

But in his head, he can't seem to divorce this "path" I'm on from the idea that I may very well eventually choose M over him. The best he can say is that me "leaving" isn't something he can help, or stop, and he wouldn't want to prevent that happening if it makes me happy...so I might as well pursue what is making me feel good.

I'm trying to get him to understand that I see him as primary and have no interest in "leaving" him for anyone. Although that could change (and could change if we were completely monogamous!), I am committed to him for the foreseeable future. We are married, and I do take that seriously...

Basically, I just don't think he gets the paradigm of more than one person at once. He says relationships are usually serially monogamous, and that's the model that is "normal" for him...so he gets me "leaving" him but doesn't get me staying married and seeing someone else indefinitely. It doesn't seem to make him jealous or threatened; he just doesn't seem to understand it.

So I'm wondering...is this just a question of not being familiar with other models, or is he hopelessly mono-minded?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 04-06-2010, 06:03 PM
noob noob is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 58
Default

I'm worried that last sentence came off wrong...nothing wrong with being mono-minded

I just am trying to get some insight into whether he can come around to poly or not. My gut feeling is he can because he is fundamentally open, trusting, secure, not jealous, and very supportive of people doing what makes them happy (and getting the same freedom in return). He is probably the least jealous person I have EVER known.

But...it makes me uneasy that he's continually framing things in terms of me falling for someone and leaving, or him falling for someone and leaving. Since the way I understand poly...it is not about leaving someone for someone else. It's about not having to do that, since (where I'm coming from) no one person is ever "the one." There is no "the one." Swapping someone you love for someone else you love is a lose-lose; it's like musical dicks, and not in a good way
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 04-06-2010, 06:28 PM
tinylove's Avatar
tinylove tinylove is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 39
Default

In my experience I feel the same way your husband does. I have told my husband on many occasions if he wants to leave me that is fine. He tells me he wants to stay with me and that leaving is not an issue I should even worry about.

BUT

In my mind I can only see the things from my perspective. In my mind my husband will do what is normal he will fall in love with someone else and not want to be with me.

Deep down I know this is not true and not what being Poly is all about but it is there. Even though he states he won't leave how can one predict that much future??? I know things will be different in time though.


Maybe things will change between you as time goes on. Maybe he will see that you have a limitless amount of love to share with both of them.

I think it is just hard to go against the norm so to speak.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 04-06-2010, 06:44 PM
ak2381 ak2381 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Charleston, WV
Posts: 119
Default

I am the mono in my relationship. And we are very new to this. We began actively opening our relationhip about two months ago. I know that seeing it from a mono point of view this is very very hard for me. It is taking alot of time of talking and reassuring. I am constantly thinking I am not good enough or not what he wants. We are married with a baby and I sometimes feel in constant pain. But I also respect and understand this is something my husband needs and cannot change about himself. So I agree to it because I would rather accept him for who he is and love him and be with him than to walk away from everything we have built together. You have to keep reassuring him that he is your number one. You have to bring every fear, concern and jealous thought to the surface and work through every painful thought. Eventually it will sink in if this is meant to work for you.
I know that I am still working through this one day at a time. My husband is off with J tonight as it is. And normally I try to distract myself in the most powerful ways so I don't have to think about it. I am finding that hiding from it doesn't necessarily make things better. I make him talk to me about his night afterwards so that I can face the pain head on and so that my imagination doesn't run away with me and make things worse. I don't know if this is what your husband wants. Just remember this is very new to him and very hard to accept. Take it slow and be considerate, just as he needs to be with you.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 04-06-2010, 07:14 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by noob View Post
But...it makes me uneasy that he's continually framing things in terms of me falling for someone and leaving, or him falling for someone and leaving. Since the way I understand poly...it is not about leaving someone for someone else. It's about not having to do that, since (where I'm coming from) no one person is ever "the one." There is no "the one." Swapping someone you love for someone else you love is a lose-lose; it's like musical dicks, and not in a good way

From a mono perspective (my own), the fear of your mono partner falling in love with some one else is extremely valid. If a person is truly mono, then they don't have multiple partners...that's natural for us. I am mono, Redpepper is poly..Our hearts are governed by different principles in some ways. For me, one person is "the one". That is not a lose-lose situation for me but a win-win situation. To love "one" is my greatest fulfillment. I'm not saying that how I think personally applies to all mono people, but I do think it reflects the opinion of the majority.

It's important to remember that in a mono/poly type relationship, mono ideals do not govern the dynamic, nor do poly ideals. That would be like a Christian looking at their Muslim partner and saying "you obviously must live like a Christian because I do and Christianity is just better". The relationship is an amalgamation of principles or else it will likely fail.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over

Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 04-06-2010 at 07:22 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 04-07-2010, 12:06 AM
noob noob is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 58
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
From a mono perspective (my own), the fear of your mono partner falling in love with some one else is extremely valid. If a person is truly mono, then they don't have multiple partners...that's natural for us. I am mono, Redpepper is poly..Our hearts are governed by different principles in some ways. For me, one person is "the one". That is not a lose-lose situation for me but a win-win situation. To love "one" is my greatest fulfillment. I'm not saying that how I think personally applies to all mono people, but I do think it reflects the opinion of the majority.

It's important to remember that in a mono/poly type relationship, mono ideals do not govern the dynamic, nor do poly ideals. That would be like a Christian looking at their Muslim partner and saying "you obviously must live like a Christian because I do and Christianity is just better". The relationship is an amalgamation of principles or else it will likely fail.
So is he speaking from a "mono" standpoint because he is mono, or just because he has no other frame of reference? How would I tell?

It seems like he has some interest in branching out himself and certainly hasn't been monogamous very successfully in the past--there usually ended up being cheating on one or both sides of past relationships. (I was the same way, only worse )

How do I address the concern/possibility that I might leave him for someone else? If what he's telling me is that he WOULD leave if he fell in love with someone else, then that's very problematic for me. And I don't see how we reconcile that except to say I can see others and he can't. But how would that work?
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 04-07-2010, 01:12 AM
KatTails's Avatar
KatTails KatTails is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 374
Default

Hi noob - I'm mono, my husband has been in a poly relationship with a married coworker for about a year now. Mono people do have a certain way of looking at things, just as poly people do. I can't understand the feeling of loving two people at once - it's never happened to me. If I wanted to, I could find a boyfriend for myself. I am not really interested in doing that because I don't want to take the chance of falling more in love with the other person. I don't want to take the chance - because I have no way of knowing how I will feel when it happens. My marriage is too important to me for me to even take the chance. When your mono - it's hard to understand how a poly feels. All I can say is that it's been a year, and I am only now able to get a handle on my concerns. My husband has had to prove to me again and again that he is here to stay and that having a girlfriend does not take away from me. My husband has a line that he must have used a million times in this past year which is "in addition to, not instead of."

Also, my husbands girlfriend has been in a monogamous marriage for 20 years and has a few kids. She did not go into this looking for a boyfriend or to fall in love - it just happened. However, she would leave her husband for mine in a heartbeat. At the beginning of their relationship - she would not have considered being able to do that - things have changed in a year. You just never know - and that is what is so scary for us mono's.

Be patient, be understanding, be consistent, be trustworthy, be honest. Do not belittle his concerns, instead talk to him about it as much as he needs. It will take a lot of repetition. It's simply the fear of the unknown and the what if's. Patience and communication are key.

Good luck - Kat
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 04-08-2010, 04:22 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by noob View Post
But...it makes me uneasy that he's continually framing things in terms of me falling for someone and leaving, or him falling for someone and leaving. Since the way I understand poly...it is not about leaving someone for someone else.
Hi Noob,

Yea - we talk about this kind of thing quite a lot - and in a lot of different contexts.
You have to acknowledge how our brains learn and where that ends up showing up in our lives. If we see lightning we expect thunder.

But areas like this - relationships - aren't that that locked to the rigid rule of science.

Your husband, if he's so inclined, can do some serious reading & research and quickly realize that while serial monogamy (or it's equivalent) may be what most of us have seen around us, there ARE options that have been in play for thousands of years. Just flying below the radar. And as they have been poking their heads higher in recent years they've been attracting more attention. And gaining popularity.

Encourage him to read and research. It will help you both.

GS
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:12 AM.