Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 04-06-2010, 05:51 PM
tinylove's Avatar
tinylove tinylove is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 39
Question

Being so new to Poly it seems like all me and my husband do is talk and talk and talk and discuss and discuss every night. It seems like there is always something we have to go over or talk about and we never get to talk about everyday things anymore.

I feel like there are always conflicts,arguments or disagreements. Before we actively starting looking for people we had a normal couple lifestyle.

We would sit relax, have drink, talk about the kids and enjoy life. Now it seems like our life is upside down all the time. There is always something going on.

I have many many severe traumas from my past that are triggered by certain things. My husband knows this and we are not sure how to work through it.

Currently we have decided to not start any romantic relationships with anyone and only become friends with the people who we have already started talking with.

I have a lot of trust issues and like a few others have said as well ..It does not matter how many times he tells me he won't or doesn't want to leave me it still could happen in my mind.

I am dealing with a lot of fears that I do not know how to deal with. I have come to the conclusion that I do not know if I can be with anyone else sexually. It took me years before I could trust my husband enough to have meaningful sex with him. (this had nothing to do with him but from issues in my past)

To me the thought of being sexual with anyone makes me cringe. I am afraid my husband is going to fall in love with this new woman and want to have a sexual relationship with her. In my mind I won't be able to deal, cope or process this. The thought makes me not even want to touch my husband.

I am not sure if I can explain what I am feeling since no of you know what happened in my past.

I want to be able to tell my husband that I don't want to have any romantic relationships right now, I do not know how he feels about this though. I think so much will change once this happens between us and I am afraid that I won't want to have sex with him if he chooses to be sexual with this woman.

hoping someone can understand and maybe help me with ideas or experiences.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-06-2010 at 07:32 PM. Reason: merge posts
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 04-06-2010, 05:58 PM
noob noob is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 58
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by tinylove View Post
Being so new to Poly it seems like all me and my husband do is talk and talk and talk and discuss and discuss every night. It seems like there is always something we have to go over or talk about and we never get to talk about everyday things anymore.

I feel like there are always conflicts,arguments or disagreements. Before we actively starting looking for people we had a normal couple lifestyle.

We would sit relax, have drink, talk about the kids and enjoy life. Now it seems like our life is upside down all the time. There is always something going on.

I have many many severe traumas from my past that are triggered by certain things. My husband knows this and we are not sure how to work through it.

Currently we have decided to not start any romantic relationships with anyone and only become friends with the people who we have already started talking with.

I have a lot of trust issues and like a few others have said as well ..It does not matter how many times he tells me he won't or doesn't want to leave me it still could happen in my mind.

I am dealing with a lot of fears that I do not know how to deal with. I have come to the conclusion that I do not know if I can be with anyone else sexually. It took me years before I could trust my husband enough to have meaningful sex with him. (this had nothing to do with him but from issues in my past)

To me the thought of being sexual with anyone makes me cringe. I am afraid my husband is going to fall in love with this new woman and want to have a sexual relationship with her. In my mind I won't be able to deal, cope or process this. The thought makes me not even want to touch my husband.

I am not sure if I can explain what I am feeling since no of you know what happened in my past.

I want to be able to tell my husband that I don't want to have any romantic relationships right now, I do not know how he feels about this though. I think so much will change once this happens between us and I am afraid that I won't want to have sex with him if he chooses to be sexual with this woman.
How did you come to poly? Did your husband bring you to it? Does anything about it appeal to you, or are you only doing it as an act of good faith for your marriage?
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 04-06-2010, 06:07 PM
tinylove's Avatar
tinylove tinylove is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 39
Default

When we first got married we had a wonderful relationship with this women but she moved away and we both took different paths in our lives. For the past 10 years of our marriage we have been monogomous. Last year we decided we wanted a third to join us. We had trouble finding anyone and then decided to try finding people separately . We both found people and became friends with them right away. Of course this is when all the issues,conflicts and problems started. I thought that this was what I wanted but the more I realize it the more I think I just want more friends in my life and not new partners. But at the same time I have a lot of issues I have to deal with. So I think I am feeling overwhelmed and just do not want a relationship right now. Though i may in the future? I do believe that love is limitless I am just not sure how to deal with it at this moment.

We are done having children we have three. The person he met is 21 and wants children.

safe sex became an issue we have only been with each other and have no stds etc. this brought up fears for both of us.

etc. etc.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 04-06-2010, 06:11 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,828
Default

My wife and I discussed this the other day. Since life has become...more varied in the last 6 months she has started looking back and seeing our old life and asking the question "when will things go back to normal"...

I didn't and don't have an answer. I was never unhappy with our normal, but something always felt off. Sexually we were stalled (not in a rut as we are very adventurous lovers, we just kind of slowed to a crawl)...

emotionally I was burned out from helping her with health problems for 10 years. Everything to the outside person AND even us, seemed normal and awesome. We were that 10 year couple that still loved, dated and flirted openly. We had an awesome normal relationship....

We found a new partner (we have always been open) that we both fell for deeply. This opened up a whole new level of normal. Emotions flowing, re-awakened sex drive etc. While all the emotions sometimes hurt...they were also awesome. I look back on them with fondness in helping me wake up again. I look back at normal and cringe...I have never been "normal" how the hell did I let myself get that way anyways. I was stagnating in my normalcy.

What is abnormal about being significantly more open about my emotions, wants and needs. About discussing what hurts instead of hiding it. About discussing my insecurities instead of "manning" up every time. These are the things that make her uncomfortable because I talk a lot. I see the fire in her eyes again though, she is no longer normal either. She has gone back to that woman I debated with in a bar 10 years ago and at the end of the night decided we would go back to her place and try and break a bed...she has gone back to the woman who lusted and craved...

I don't have any suggestions for your normal or what you want. All I can do is share my perspective. Some days I look back at normal and think of how easy it was...but then I can look in the mirror and know I was burying something about myself to be "normal" (for me this has a little to do with poly...there is more involved than loving multiple people)

I don't know about your traumas, all I can do is say that you have your husband, you may find knowing your have him there will be an emotional pillar you can use to help you open up to someone knew. Knowing someone is there the help you and be your rock is empowering

Quote:
We would sit relax, have drink, talk about the kids and enjoy life. Now it seems like our life is upside down all the time. There is always something going on.
This isn't really a poly thing. This happens to relationships regardless of the configuration. Maybe you need to set aside time where certain topics are off limits. Neutral space at a local pub you used to frequent where you don't discuss topics that aren't light.

Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 04-06-2010, 06:20 PM
tinylove's Avatar
tinylove tinylove is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 39
Default

I agree that any relationship has problems . I think the problem is that we or I am always thinking about the things we need to talk about . It seems like everyday there is something new that comes up.

My husband also works all week long at least 8 hours a day this really leaves little time for us to talk. Weekends are mostly spent with the kids.

For the past few weeks we have litterally been staying up for hours disscussing things and it seems like we are only having mini break throughs.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 04-06-2010, 06:58 PM
vandalin's Avatar
vandalin vandalin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 520
Default

Cajun and I were like this when we first started looking into Poly. I always had questions for him and wanted (needed) to know how he felt about something or what he thought about something to the point that every time we were alone, that seemed to be the only topic of conversation. This "problem" has calmed down quite a bit since then, not only because of the cease/pause of looking for another (ok, trying to get that other) but because after time, you realize that there aren't really any questions left unanswered at that point. I don't need to repeat questions with him.

If I might suggest, if you find that you keep thinking about certain things over and over, write them down somewhere safe. Sometimes what seems like the most important question at one moment, becomes something silly the next becuase you already know the answer yourself. Then you set aside time to talk about these things if they are still plaguing your mind.

I agree, finding somewhere or sometime to have the "normal" day to day things is a great idea.
__________________
Life is about the journey and not the destination,
so what better way to know life
than to wander all the roads and paths set before you.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 04-06-2010, 09:34 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Hey Tinylove,

Well - as you are discovering, when things are new it's easy for it to become almost all consuming. I think we all have experienced that. Think of learning anything new that you might have a lot of enthusiasm for.

When we hit those points now we recognize it and call "time out". We've learned that we don't want to let it consume us - it simply isn't worth it and actually can spoil it !

So we kind of back off for a while, deal with what we currently have in front of us - or even eliminate some of it (with apologies if needed) and just try to focus on each other more. Get some of that quiet, comfortable normalacy you speak of back in our life.

Maybe you can do this too ?

GS
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 04-07-2010, 11:50 AM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 145
Default

The other posts offer some good perspectives.

The sexual aspect might be a place you could benefit from the insights of a good therapist? It sounds like there are unresolved traumas there which might be causing you pain and anxiety. An internet forum isn't the place to talk about those, but therapy is.

Personal growth is beautiful, and new relationships can be a wonderful catalyst for growth. But a person can't grow in a particular direction until they're ready -- it will only happen when it can happen. When the psychological path becomes open.

I'm a little concerned because what you write seems to carry lots of anxiety and dread associated with being sexually active. I might guess that if you force yourself into poly relationships without addressing that -- without opening the psychological path -- then you will have to suppress your fears and eventually they'll burst out in some potentially frightening and destructive way.

That's just guesswork on my part! I ain't no psychologist. Talk to a professional about this if you can. (Maybe you already have?) The right person can give you great insights into what is going on in your mind.

Good luck!
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 04-06-2010, 06:55 PM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,632
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by tinylove View Post
hoping someone can understand and maybe help me with ideas or experiences.
I haven't read anything that others have said, but just wanted to tell you that I went through similar feelings as did my husband. We both had moments of cringing at the thought of anyone being with another and had endless nights of talking, endless crying and going over the same stuff again and again...

It seems a purge of all emotions and cultural expectations and understanding needs to happen in order to move forward and figure out common goals. To get at the root of what we were looking for and what the vision for our life would be needed to take time and talking about. We decided early on to just let that all have it's time and place and trust that whatever was to be would be.

Sure enough, like most things, there was an end to it all and now the talks are less frequent. We learned a lot about each other during that time. More than we ever would of otherwise. It was a huge gift to be able to have that time. It was hard work, but I wouldn't change it for the world. We have a way of understanding ourselves and each other that is invaluable.
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 04:03 PM.