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  #1  
Old 06-10-2012, 08:39 PM
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SunsetMan SunsetMan is offline
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Default Mono with a poly (does that make us monopoly?)

Hi, I'm S.

I'm a 37 year old mono straight male
2 young kids from a prior marriage.

My fiancee is A.
She's 31 year old poly bi female.
1 child the same age as my eldest.

I expect to be a long term community member. I'm just starting out in a poly experiment and I'm a lot nervous, as some of you may have seen from my first post. I'm going to have a lot of questions and would appreciate blunt answers b/c I have no intuition to speak of.

I've been characterized as a 'leader' type of personality. She's a self-described 'right-hand woman'. We make a great team. There's an unbelievable amount of chemsitry and have similar life goals, lifestyles and recreation/vacation ideas.

In terms of values, it's a little different. I'm a mono, though and thorugh. I've had affairs in my prior marriagem the latest of which was with A. She's poly, though this is a new revelation to me.

3+ years and a mountain of drama later... we're engaged.

9 days ago from the time of this post, I learned that she's crushing hard and falling for on P, a mutual friend who lives 6 hours away and is a freqent online acquaintence.

I didn't flip out, trying to find my happy medium with it. I'm not sure if it's possible but I've gotten some great advice here and I have some soul-searching to do.

Anyhow, hello!
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Old 06-10-2012, 10:26 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Greetings S,
Welcome to our forum.

Re:
Quote:
"Mono with a poly (does that make us monopoly?)"
LOL, well it doesn't make you "a monopoly," but it does make you a mono/poly dyad.

Mono/poly pairings are challenging, but I know it can be done; I know people who have done it. Communication is a crucial key in what will make the difference.

Also, whatever relationships A has, hopefully she'll keep an eye on that NRE (New Relationship Energy) factor, and put extra effort into her relationship with you (so that you don't get that "left behind" feeling).

Anywayz -- glad to meet you here.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 06-11-2012, 12:04 AM
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SunsetMan SunsetMan is offline
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You see, it's those little gems of wisdom that makes me certain that I've come to the right place.

NRE never occurred to me. Please, continue to hurl the blatantly obvious at me

Truth be told, I'm having a hard time of it but I haven't really had time to examine my fears yet.
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Old 06-11-2012, 09:19 PM
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Your experience on Polyamory.com may give you occasion to examine those fears. Note that not all fears are irrational; some are legitimate concerns about real inequities (or crossed boundaries) in a situation. But do a thorough self-analysis first, before figuring in the external triggers (and a fear/concern may be a mix of the rational and irrational).

Also remember that communication can always be improved: for more honesty, more clarity, and more consideration. It's always a good idea to work on/improve communication (both quality and quantity).

Can you describe your feelings, and the hard time you're having of it? Are there any triggers you can identify?
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Old 06-12-2012, 04:40 PM
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SunsetMan SunsetMan is offline
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My fears, in no particular order:
  • That she truly IS poly. I really don't think she is because she never engaged in activity like this before me.
  • That she will leave me for P.
  • That she will ask me for an open relationship so she can explore this with P, and that I will not be able to cope with my emotions that come from that.
  • That she will ask me to explore a physical relationship with P for a short time, and that I will not be able to cope with my emotions that come from that.
  • That if those fears come to pass, how to tell my kids that they're losing a sibling. that will crush them, and the things that can crush them absolutely devastate my soul.
  • Also that I know beyond any doubt, that I will never be able to love anyone else in my life. I know that seems extreme and emotionally driven and very much so NOT rational.

All of these fears feel rational. I truly feel the cause for her 'cold feet'/freakout/self destruction stems from the pain I caused her during the affair I had with her and that my divorce is not yet final. (matter of a couple weeks, I should have the divorce certificate, but it's not final until then)

She needs some distance from me in order to get past that and this is a perfect way to do it. This might not even be conscious, but when I brought this up last night, she appeared to have a lightbulb moment.

So I'm concentrating on the positive, continuing to live our life together. I'm envisioning still marrying this beautiful, intelligent, wise, and gifted woman and that's the goal I'm working towards.
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Old 06-12-2012, 11:46 PM
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I noticed a couple of self-trust issues in your list, when you mentioned you were worried that you might not be able to cope with your emotions. And there is an "A-trust" issue, when you mentioned you worried she would leave you for P. So, a couple of trust issues going on there.

Some of this, you need time and experience to lighten some of the worry loads. So I'd say the wise way to proceed (into poly territory) would be really slowly. This way A has some time to figure out where she really stands with respect to this polyamory thing (and you have a chance to directly observe how she approaches that).

There is perhaps even a bit of limerence going on here, as you are experiencing the fear of the loss of a relationship that seems to be "bigger than life" (and I guess it could be). Another reason to go slow on the poly front, so that your emotions don't race ahead of you.

How does A feel about all this? Have the two of you talked much about it?
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Old 06-13-2012, 04:48 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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I'm going to give you this from a poly-mindset perspective. I am in a reolationship with a monogamous person, so very much know where you are coming from - so my answers are NOT trying to put you down or disrespect your fears, just giving it from a poly-0wired perspective, since your gf self-identifes as poly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SunsetMan View Post
That she truly IS poly. I really don't think she is because she never engaged in activity like this before me.
So how did she realise that she is poly? Is it posisble that she just hasn't acted on these feelings in herself before, because of the circumstances of her prior relationships? Only she can really answer these questions, though. I acted monogamous for a significant part of my life, before realising that it just wasn't me and that there was another way. People grow and change. Perhaps she has, too?
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunsetMan View Post
That she will leave me for P.
As a poly person, this absolutely does not compute. If she is poly then she doesn't have to choose one of you over the other - she can have both! She might well leave you, if your relationship isn't working, but it won't be because of her relationship with P it'll be because of your relationship. This is absolutely one of those "does not compute" when it comes to poly folk.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunsetMan View Post
That she will ask me for an open relationship so she can explore this with P, and that I will not be able to cope with my emotions that come from that.
What emotions are going to come out of that? If she is poly and has fallen for P, then she will feel very constricted if she does not feel that she can have a relationship with both of you. I think that you need to understand a lot better what your emtions are going to be in connection with this. Post them here if this will help.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunsetMan View Post
That she will ask me to explore a physical relationship with P for a short time, and that I will not be able to cope with my emotions that come from that.
If she asks, you can refuse. You can control what your own relationships look like, which ones you choose to have, and which ones you don't. She needs to respect that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunsetMan View Post
That if those fears come to pass, how to tell my kids that they're losing a sibling. that will crush them, and the things that can crush them absolutely devastate my soul.
Is this any different from a fear that the relationship won't work out between you in general?
Quote:
Originally Posted by SunsetMan View Post
Also that I know beyond any doubt, that I will never be able to love anyone else in my life. I know that seems extreme and emotionally driven and very much so NOT rational.
You are monogamous. This is a very natural thing to feel as a monogamous person, and you should own that and be proud of it! Nobody should force you to ever love anyone else. They need to respect you and your relationship choices in the same way that you are expected to respects hers.

All of these fears ARE rational from your perspective - I have heard them all before, believe me. So much of the poly mindset triggers "but.. but..." reactions in a monogamous person.
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