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Old 05-31-2012, 01:34 AM
chica4573 chica4573 is offline
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Default In Love and Overwhelmed

Hi I've been married to my husband for 13 years. We have been in a monogamous relationship. I have reconnected with someone from my past and he would like to pursue a relationship. He is married and has one other partner. This would be a LDR since he is several states away. I have never been in any kind of open relationship before but I am hoping to learn how this could work for us. My husband would never be accepting of this arrangment so it would be kept from him. I'm just a bit overwhelmed.
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Old 05-31-2012, 01:54 AM
Pretzels Pretzels is offline
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I'm no expert, but this sounds a little less like polyamory and more like cheating.

Before you do something you really regret, ask yourself why you want to stay married to your husband instead of going off to be with this other person.
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Old 05-31-2012, 06:03 PM
chica4573 chica4573 is offline
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Thank you for your reply and honesty. That is part of the conflict for me. I guess that if this new relationship was truly open then I would be willing to leave my husband because I feel suffocated. Not truly me but there are old tapes playing in my head about how everything "should" be. I guess my husband is my safety net. That isn't really fair to him. He also needs to be in the kind of relationship he wants, which he cannot get from me.

My new partner has a wife of 20+ years and ten years ago they decided to both pursue relationships outside of marriage. As time went on, his new relationship became the focus and he and his wife became basically roommates. After a couple of years he and his girlfriend brought another woman in to their relationship and as that developed he dropped his girlfriend (they are still friends) and has been exclusive with the new partner. He has discussed me with his girlfriend and his wife. They have been very positive since they know our history (we have known each other since high school). BUT, I'm not even sure that he is poly because he isn't open to me having another relationship besides him. But since I'm not familiar with it, I am here hoping to get feedback.

I do love him and want to have a solid relationship with him but it can't be exclusive.
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Old 05-31-2012, 10:48 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Location: Upstate New York, USA
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Well, there's nothing inherantly wrong in a poly person being in relationships with monogamous people... HOWEVER, that has to be done with the agreement and consent - in other words it shouldn't be something that he demands of you if you are not 100% willing to give it and be happy. To me that is a red flag that absolutely needs to be cleared up before you get involved with him.

And yes, the other major red flag here is the fact that you are doing all this without your husband's knowledge. It is assumed that your husband has the expectation that you two are monogamous (and I assumed that you made the corresponding wedding vows and promises) - so that would be cheating which is (by my definition) absolutely not what polyamory is.
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
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Old 05-31-2012, 11:10 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by chica4573 View Post
That is part of the conflict for me. I guess that if this new relationship was truly open then I would be willing to leave my husband because I feel suffocated.
WTF? If it was truly open, you would be open and honest with your husband, not screw around behind his back. If your marriage isn't working, figure out how to fix it or end it, preferably with the help of a marriage counselor. With some work, your husband may be willing to explore a different marriage dynamic that works better for the both of you, but you won't know that without talking about it. Deal with your marriage issues before entering into other outside relationships. No one deserves to be cheated on and lied to.
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Old 06-01-2012, 02:19 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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I don't think you will get any advice on how to cheat on your husband.

Why do you want to stay married? You want to join a harem ...and be 1 pf 3 ....and not be free .....that sounds wildly hypocritical.....and some might find that suffocating.
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Old 06-01-2012, 06:20 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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I'm not understanding your desire to be with this guy... He was married, started dating, dropped his wife (still friends, but not romantic, then? that's what I get from them being basically roommates). Then he and girlfriend start dating third, but he eventually drops girlfriend (once again, still friends, but not romantic). What's going to stop him from dating you a while, dropping third then starting to date someone new and dropping you?

He seems to have a cycle of only being romantic with one person at a time and the others just fade back into friendship. While I don't oppose this since it is all done openly and honestly, I encourage you to decide if that is really what you want to be a part of.

Also, reiterating what others have said... 'Fess up to your husband. Be honest with him and see if you can improve that relationship or if you're not in love anymore and don't feel like you can remain married, end it. Don't cheat. That won't help anything and could potentially hurt a lot of people.
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