Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner


Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 05-30-2012, 11:09 PM
IrisAwakened's Avatar
IrisAwakened IrisAwakened is offline
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 69
Default Married so long, just friends?

Let me just start by saying how much I have appreciated this site throughout my poly journey! You guys have always been there for me, and whenever I have an issue I can look it up and feel better. I only ever write when I feel the need to have support for my issue. Right now I am feel confused and alone, so here we go!

Where to start... hm. Last year I brought poly up to my husband, who, in time accepted it and now seems to embrace it (although he has yet to find a partner of his own, he is very open to having one). I have felt so much happier in being loved by more than one person, I can't even explain the fulfillment I have discovered in this. My issue is that I worry about my marriage now. I love my husband, but that love has turned into more of a familial love. I care for him and we support each other. But our sex life is pretty non-existent and we are each pretty busy with our own things that we don't spend much time together anymore. More like roommates who are raising kids together, who love each other as best friends. I can go to him with anything, he is always there for me, and me for him.

Last week I noticed how tough this might be on him. I felt that he deserved someone better, someone monogamous, someone who actually wants to have sex with him (I really don't want that anymore). When I mentioned that I thought that I didn't deserve him, he denied. But when I asked "So you are fine with not having sex with me anymore? So you don't mind that we hardly see each other? So, would it be alright if we continued our marriage like this, more of best friends than lovers?" He wasn't for that at all! I don't even think he noticed the problem until I outlined it.

I guess what I am hoping for is some insight into others' marriages and how they changed in time. We have been married for 7 years. Is this normal to feel more like friends, for the passion to be gone? Or is there something very wrong in our relationship? Would we be better off as friends at this point?

Thank you for your support, you guys rock!
Have courage to continue this journey, for it holds nothing but lessons and wonders.
Reply With Quote
Old 05-31-2012, 03:06 AM
PolyInNJ PolyInNJ is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 24

My ex and I ended up splitting because of this very issue... but mostly because my ex is VERY mono and couldn't conceive of being in a relationship where there were other relationships allowed. We were married for 13 years when we decided to split, and our divorce was final last November (after technically 15 years of marriage). We do not have children. The split was VERY amicable, and he is still my best friend, we just do not live together anymore (and in fact, he moved clear across the country).

There were other factors as well (I am also much happier now that I am no longer financially tied to him), but the main one was that we basically were in a sexless marriage for almost the entire duration of our time together. I couldn't live like that any longer.
Reply With Quote
Old 05-31-2012, 05:25 AM
PinkDragon PinkDragon is offline
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 90

Regardless of the poly lifestyle, I would think that perhaps you two need to reconnect. I'm totally new to this whole thing, but what I understand about polyamory is that we aren't replacing a love but adding a love, to put it simply.

I wonder, were you already drifting apart? Had you already stopped being intimate? Did you desire your husband sexually even six months ago? Are you spending so much time focusing on the other relationships you have that you've forgotten to continue support of the one you already had? Please don't think that I'm attacking you, I'm not; these are just thoughts that came to mind as I read your post.

As for what is "normal" in a relationship, psychology tells us that after the blush of the honeymoon period that the frequency of sex falls off and eventually evens out to a frequency that suits both parties (I'm working with facts about monogamous couples). My husband and I are still intimate at least 4 times a week after seven years of marriage. There are times that falls off, like if one of us is sick, but for the most part, we're still honeymooning.

Everyone is different, so what's "normal" for one couple won't be for another.
Pinky, 41, f, bi. Married to Bear, 42, m, straight.
Not dating anyone right now.

I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.--EAP
Reply With Quote
Old 05-31-2012, 07:00 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,307

Do you have different sex drives ...or is it you've lost all sexual attraction for him? Does he want to have sex with you....even after telling him that?

I agree with you he deserves more .... a roommate to split expense with no thank you did that for awhile. I admire your honesty I bet he did as well. At least he can now plan for his life.

How old are your kids.
Reply With Quote
Old 06-01-2012, 01:33 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 826

PinkDragon has a lot of good questions.
Really, you may not have even noticed you didn't have as much of a sexual connection before you started seeing somebody else, we get oblivious sometimes. What sorts of things do you think help keep you from wanting to have sex with your husband? I know lots of times I may be in the mood and if Adam says or does the wrong thing (which for me happens to be totally oblivious that I want to have sex with him) my interest in being sexual can disappear in the blink of an eye. So I wonder if you do want to sometimes and chores/life/problems douse your libido, or if you just never even think of him as a sexual option

Obviously if it's the latter, maybe you do want to think about if this relationship is right for you and you were looking at poly as a way to get something you weren't getting in your marriage without trying to nurture it there first. I notice in your post you seem to have gone right to "you deserve better than me" instead of "hmm how can I reignite the spark (assuming you did have a spark) we used to have"

Sex with a non live in partner can stay great for longer I think - there are no chores, there are no arguments about bills (generally) and so a relationship can seem almost perfect. Are you letting that make you compare your sex life with your husband with your new partner? Do you find it pointless to have sex with your husband because it comes with the baggage of 7 years? (I've been with my husband 8 years, for perspective - if he was interested, I'd have sex with him 5-6 days a week, about as frequently as I wanted to when I met him.)

So does it bother you, or him that you're not having sex?

If so, do you think it's lazy to not be working on having sex with your husband and letting another relationship distract you?

Are you being passive aggressive by not working on that part of your relationship and then projecting on him that he must want to leave you for a mono partner, so the onus is on him to tell you if he's not happy with the platonic roommate thing? Too scared to admit it if you're the one who is not interested in staying together?

Why the hell are you not making time for each other? Stop taking each other for granted ok? Laziness in regards to relationships don't work so well in poly

Obviously we don't know if you'd be better off as just friends. But if you're not working for something better than that, that's all you're going to get out of your relationship.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote
Old 06-01-2012, 03:56 AM
newtoday's Avatar
newtoday newtoday is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Canada
Posts: 184

There's a lot of great thoughts and points of view noted on the other replies however I want to offer a different perspective.

Just random thoughts from experience and from what I've read on here. I don't expect you to answer my questions, just food for personal thought and reflection.

So you are in love with your husband and have no desire for him yet he desires you, you desire another. Does that hurt your husband or does he feel rejected by you?

You are enjoying another man now. And if your husband does the same and falls in love with that other woman, would you be okay with that? Would you still feel so secure in your roommate style of marriage? You can control what you do and feel but you have no control over his circumstance. Are you comfortable with that?

How about if the relationship between you and your other guy ended and yet your husband was still deeply engaged in his? Would you feel envy, jealousy, resentment? I guess those are things you wouldn't know until they happened.

The reason I state these things is that I have read so often about people who embrace poly when it is them that are enjoying the benefits of it. When something ends with the object of their affection yet a partner continues, especially with NRE, that embracing of poly becomes a little less tight. Envy, jealousy, inecurities, lonliness sets in.

So then you decide to "fix" your marriage. Regain what you had in the beginning, to secure the bond for the sake of the family. Problem is, it's much more complicated once another heart has entered the picture. And do you think he would question your motives in that? (You didn't want me but now you don't want anyone else to have me either, hence the sudden interest?). Or maybe he's just the average man who won't ask why, but when and where. (sorry guys, no offense intended, please!)

All of the responses on your thread are coming from combined experiences. Consider those. Perhaps deep down you do want to leave but won't for the sake of the children and sanctity of the family unit, maybe for financial reasons or lifestyle. Or maybe you can live with the uncertainty of sending your husband into the arms of another in order to have a full life.

I had the courage to leave a sexless marriage to find complete happiness. My bf had the commitment to stay in one for a long time to preserve the love they did have. Neither path was easy and has led us to each other. Everyone finds their own path. Just make sure that you examine the possible outcomes first and if you can live with them.

And don't wait....if you truely love your husband and you haven't lost total interest in sex, then try to get that back with him as well. Doesn't he deserve that part of you too?
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 02:19 PM.