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  #1  
Old 05-29-2012, 06:27 PM
MonoOrPoly MonoOrPoly is offline
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Question What is my paradise?

I have been lurking for sometime, assessing, assimilating and looking to determine if I have what it takes to be a poly male.

I have hopes that this forum will be a place that I can explore my intentions, weed out fruitless expectations and be a better person by understanding who I am (Hardwired Mono? or Socially ingrained to be Not Poly).

So, I thought I would come and ask others further along the path to help me understand my life and choices better.
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Old 05-29-2012, 07:14 PM
MonoOrPoly MonoOrPoly is offline
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Um, a little more about me.

Currently separated after years of NOT agreeing to pursue a poly relationship for the sake of my Ex. Programmed to Monogamy, I thought it would say things about MY character. If I were an animal, I would have called myself a wolf. I thought I would have mated for life, through hell and back, I remained faithful even if I was never perfect. The words flew between us, but I never stopped loving her.

Before she separated from me, she began afresh with a new man. Their NRE has brought me to physical illness. All the issues we dealt with (physcially, emotionally, spiritually) are gone. And I want desperately to be happy for her, but my heart is mess and compersion is hard. With the 3 children, I feel her new relationship is a betrayal of them also, but that is probably my projecting personal hurt onto them.

Anywho...

Here is a poem I wrote today to try to explain how I felt to my Ex-Wife.


Heartbreak
Dying
Husk of a seed once planted and not nourished
I knew no better and trusted no less
And now I sit scorned
Fighting for viability.
Fighting for the first blush of Spring in…
My desolate domain
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  #3  
Old 05-29-2012, 07:23 PM
MonoOrPoly MonoOrPoly is offline
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So, why Poly for me?

I don't see myself ever really not loving her. I cannot see myself ever not having an attraction to her. We have 3 children together and survived each of them having life-threatening illnesses. Even with all the hurt and pain and poison in it all, there is something that thrives for life.

I have tried to date another, and it is turning into a fledgling friendship. I hope that it can grow. I have been forthright and honest with this new love interest. I wanted her to know of the tarnished love bond I have with Ex-wife and how through it all, we may still have moments of intimacy.

Not so sure if that makes me Poly or not. Maybe it just makes me a hurt man struggling to keep a part of his life while knowing that I have been replaced from Primary to Secondary without my input or voluntary consent.

At least the new interest is certainly understanding, even if she is a self-described Mono.
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Old 05-29-2012, 08:08 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Hi and welcome,


Sounds like you are considering this as a way of hanging on. The ex-Wife offered poly ...but is really mono? But what are you really hanging on to? What if the rules and circumstance change again without your knowledge or consent. Sounds like everyone is making gestures for the sake of something??

How long were you married? How old are your kids? How long have you been separated?
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  #5  
Old 05-30-2012, 12:19 AM
MonoOrPoly MonoOrPoly is offline
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Ex-Wife is Poly. She is also Open. Potential new love interest is Mono.

Was married for a little more than 14 years. Kids are 12, 11, 9. Separated for 8 weeks so far. Ex has been in new relationship for about 12 weeks. Once I started dating 10 days ago, nothing has changed for my feelings toward ex-wife. She was being intimate with me and new guy (and a threesome with new guy and his friend). I love her and if she lets me remain in my life I would like too.

How do others feel about being replaced as primary without real consent? It seems like tou think I am holding onto a pipedream. Maybe I am. Love just has me over the coals. But with my new love interest, I find I am able to for attachments to new relationship and not losing anything for old.

Does that explain better?
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  #6  
Old 05-30-2012, 04:54 AM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Was it mutually discussed and decided to open your marriage?


How and or why did this come about?


Were you actually told she found a new primary and that she now see's you as a secondary. Did she explain how that would work...or what that would look like in everyday life. How soon into her relationship did this happen?
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