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Old 05-27-2012, 05:50 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Default My double standards: an honest investigation

I've been thinking a lot about my double standards lately.

I don't like that I have them. I don't like myself when all of a sudden I feel that I have them. But when I'm honest (and really, one of the biggest things that poly has brought to my life, is being honest) I know that yes, here they are. Looking me in the face and telling me I don't judge others like I want to be judged, that things others do to me make me anxious when in fact I JUST did those things to them without thinking about it.

a couple of examples:

I would love it if my boyfriend could spend the night at our house. Not necessarily in the same bed as me, but, in the house.
The thought that my husbands girlfriend would spend the night here with me in the same house (me in bed with my husband, she in another bed) makes me so anxious I can't breathe.

My boyfriend and I said 'I love you' after 3 months. My husband has been with his girlfriend for almost 10 months. He told me yesterday that they have just, recently, like a couple of weeks ago, started to exchange 'I love you' 's. This freaked me out.

I have a husband, and 2 boyfriends. The guy I see the most, and who I am the most emotionally attached to, is single. When I met him he was dating another woman (married, with 2 lovers, he was one of them). She broke up with him a couple of weeks after he and I met. They kept in touch though, and today (after a couple of months) they meet again for the first time. When he told me this I was so happy for him and actually hoped they would get back together. Today? I'm a mess.
Why? I had some awesome sex with my husband. Some loving texts from my other boyfriend. But all I can obsess about is that HE is on a date with HER and that she will probably want him back, on the condition he gives me up, an he will consent, and I will lose him.

Yes, there's a lot of irrational over-dramatizing going on, but what I want to focus on is my double standards when looking at this.

Like I said, I don't like myself when these things come up. I guess it all comes down to jealousy, insecurity, etc. Just when I think I'm in a really good place and things are going well: it's the double standards that are slapping me in the face and telling me I'm not there, oh no not by a long shot.

I guess I'm looking for other peoples experiences with being confronted with their own double standards. Do you accept them? Fight them? talk about them with your partners?
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early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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Old 05-27-2012, 06:04 PM
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Shannanigan Shannanigan is offline
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I talk. It's hard sometimes, and might take some time for me to work up the courage to do it, but I've learned after enough times that it feels better after I've talked to my partners about it.

I love love love seeing the people I love happy, including when they are being made happy by others. I still definitely get jealous, though. I tell them so, but I also tell them that it doesn't mean I want them to stop being with the other people in their life. Some of my partners get confused by this, but by talking it out, we're usually able to work out some happy middle ground, where I get lots of "us time" that is very reassuring. And I get help in figuring out how to deal with my jealousy. I like help.

"Double standards" has a lot of negative connotations. I tend to just think of this more as "being human."
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Old 05-27-2012, 06:23 PM
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LotusesandRoses LotusesandRoses is offline
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Congrats! You are confirmed for being a sentient being. It happens.

I've had a partner now romantically for a few months - He's had a girlfriend for a year. From her behavior, I assume she's very jealous. (Can't really have a conversation with her to confirm or deny. She's turned down a number of free lunches, though we hung out in the past.)

For me, I know jealousy occurs when I see my relationship with that person is stagnating while her/his relationship with another is growing. Am I not worth the effort of being romantic? What's s/he got that I haven't got?

In many ways it's easy for me to date a poly person who's in another committed relationship, because I feel more control over defining the relationship without hurting the feelings of someone I love. My partner was disappointed, but didn't take it the wrong way, when I said I wasn't interested in living with him. He's not putting all of his emotional energy in me, and he has a great girlfriend. Being able to see the positives with your husband having a girlfriend may help, and getting to know the girlfriend may hugely alleviate some of your stress.

I feel very good when I see partners being nice and affectionate to other partners, especially if they've been together years. It shows me the person's capable of respect and love, and isn't just "putting on a show" with me. With mono people, you sort of have to take them at their word they're good partners.

It sounds like in some ways you think of your husband in a very different light, based on your signature - You say you're married, but you have two lovers. Do you maybe expect more security from your husband? Do you expect him to view love and sex differently than "other guys?"

I can honestly say I wouldn't be thrilled if my partner got another partner, even though I just went on a date yesterday, and I'm glad for his relationship with his girlfriend. We're both young professionals, both of us work more than one job, and we only see each other about two or three times a month, on a good month. Having another person take away from me would hurt my feelings. I completely understand from that perspective.
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Old 05-27-2012, 08:46 PM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LotusesandRoses View Post
It sounds like in some ways you think of your husband in a very different light, based on your signature - You say you're married, but you have two lovers. Do you maybe expect more security from your husband? Do you expect him to view love and sex differently than "other guys?"
I do expect more security from my husband, I guess... we've been together for almost 20 years and even though in theory I would like to get to the point, some day, where I don't think in hierarchy anymore when it comes to my relationships.. right now I do. I've been dating one of my guys for four months, the other for almost seven months. Right now I do think of him (my husband) as my primary relationship.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LotusesandRoses View Post
I can honestly say I wouldn't be thrilled if my partner got another partner, even though I just went on a date yesterday, and I'm glad for his relationship with his girlfriend. We're both young professionals, both of us work more than one job, and we only see each other about two or three times a month, on a good month. Having another person take away from me would hurt my feelings. I completely understand from that perspective.
Yes, that's what I mean... confusing, that!
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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Old 05-27-2012, 09:29 PM
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LotusesandRoses LotusesandRoses is offline
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Maybe you need to work on building the romance in your marriage. If you feel good about that relationship, I guarantee empathy and compersion becomes easier.

You share more fiduciary type stuff with your husband. In a sense, he's probably always going to be more important. But surrendering "ownership" of a partner's body is a liberating experience. Does he give you attention and make you feel wanted, desired, and appreciated? What would help you feel that?

With D, I hate our time constraints. Things like watching him play video games while I read is relaxing for me - For me, unstructured time like that in a relationship is fundamental. I love sharing, but I really enjoy just screwing around. That's something that really makes me feel loved in a relationship. If he had more than one girlfriend or another partner, we'd have to rush through our activities. Are you feeling rushed with your husband, or like your time is too crunched?
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Old 05-28-2012, 08:06 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LotusesandRoses View Post
Maybe you need to work on building the romance in your marriage. If you feel good about that relationship, I guarantee empathy and compersion becomes easier.

You share more fiduciary type stuff with your husband. In a sense, he's probably always going to be more important. But surrendering "ownership" of a partner's body is a liberating experience. Does he give you attention and make you feel wanted, desired, and appreciated? What would help you feel that?
No, my husband and I have a very loving and beautiful relationship, with lots of physical (not just sexual) affection, romantic date nights, long talks and a great concern for each others well being.

That makes my double standards even more confusing.

I often feel like I feel the need for things I already have.. but I guess what I'm looking for is confirmation, from others, that yes, I still have those things.. and I don't always give that confirmation myself (or understand that others may need it too)
__________________
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf
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