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Old 05-26-2012, 05:59 AM
genebean genebean is offline
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 37
Default The love language of gifts

The love language that I most associate with is that of gifts and I feel this love language gets a bad rap. My feelings on this have nothing to do with materialism or possessions but of the thought that goes into the gift. I get just as (if not more) excited about giving a gift as receiving. Does anyone here associate themselves with this and what are your thoughts?
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Old 05-26-2012, 06:29 AM
km34 km34 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 624

Gifts was my husbands second highest, I believe, and he describes it much like you do - it's not the value/quantity of gifts as much as the quality. Meaning, on his birthday I can buy him a gift, cook him a fabulous dinner, set aside an entire day all about him, and tell him repeatedly how awesome he is and the thing that will make the biggest impression is the fact that I found the perfect gift, no matter the amount of time, effort, or money it took the fact that it reflects him, me, and our relationship is what he appreciates. For example, he was a big comic book reader as a kid and always missed that. This past Christmas I bought him quite a few graphic novels from a local used book store. It cost me next to nothing, took near to no effort (I frequented the shop anyway), but it was perfect. He got to feel like he was indulging his inner child by returning to a media form he loves, and it was something we could connect over because I chose plots more formatted for adults.

I love giving gifts, but I would much rather go do something special than to receive a gift in return. While this is kind of gift-y since it I appreciate things we don't do often/cost more than we're usually willing to spend a lot more than I appreciate every weekend activities, it is still more of a quality time thing than a gift/monetary thing.
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Old 05-26-2012, 07:18 AM
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Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 825

It's actually my husband's top love language, and it's my least important one - there's actually only a few people I can receive a gift from without getting really uncomfortable. It's caused problems for us - as in budget and clutter. Receiving stuff I don't need or want can be frustrating. I work hard to keep clutter under control and the last thing I want is another "cute" gift I have to display and dust.

I've finally got him to make an agreement with me that when he goes on a work trip or something, he can bring me back one item under a certain price. He used to bring back half a dozen things that caught his eye. When he sticks to our one item agreement I'll smile and tell him how much I love him, even if I hate the item, because I know it's important to him, and I'm proud when he can curb his tendencies. I try to keep my feelings to myself when he wants to buy a more expensive items for friends or family for a gift, as I know it's how he shows love, but his family seems to be topping each other budget wise every year, and that's a strain too. Obviously poly = more presents to buy .

I wish it wasn't his main love language because it's difficult to find gifts for him, he has all the games, toys, books and geek related things he could want, and I know he likes gifts. Nevertheless, I never thought that was a bad love language, at least as long as it's somewhat about both giving and receiving, it just doesn't come naturally to me because I don't want it for myself.
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
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Old 05-26-2012, 12:22 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Location: Oregon, USA
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When I love someone, one of the things I do is think of gifts all the time. I can't help it. I see something they would like and want to pick it for them. I start a new handmade project because I think they would like the gift I create.

I feel like the time I spend working on a gift for someone is like time spent with them, when we can't be together otherwise. It makes me feel much closer to them. I don't think it has anything to do with materialism.
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Old 05-26-2012, 01:35 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Anneintherain: can totally relate!

MrS is a phenomenal "picker-outer" of gifts (and other stuff). I will, very occasionally (like once every few YEARS) see something that someone I know would absolutely LOVE and get it for them. (I hate shopping and I hate spending money so these are most likely going to be awesome garage sale/flea market/used book store "finds.") I am not a very good "receiver" of gifts either - unless it is one of those "you know me so well - how did I survive all these years without owning this particular item" gifts.

So how did we handle this gift giving language discrepancy? Early in our marriage we decided that we wouldn't give each other "occasion" (birthday, xmas, etc) gifts. If he saw something that he thought I "had to have" he could get it for me as a random present (like my string of black pearls that I got years ago - he hands me a gift box, I ask "what's this for?", he said "Just for Tuesday"). On my end I put a certain amount of our budget in a savings account for him to spend on his "toys" without having to consult with me first (he actually doesn't like to receive his "toys" as presents - it will inevitably be the wrong model or not have a certain option or whatever, he puts a lot of research into his toys and is disappointed if it is the wrong one.)

This actually extends to our families as well - once all of our siblings had kids (we don't have any), I announced that we would no longer be buying presents for anyone over 18 - money not spent on the kids' gifts would be going to their college accounts. (MrS has an awesome time internet shopping for our nieces and nephews - and they get the COOLEST stuff!)

Jane("Acts of Service")Q

PS. I don't like cards either - so I don't send them. My best friend gets really upset if she doesn't get a card from someone for her birthday - she makes an exception for me...
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (23+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (4+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi married female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS (1+ years)
+ "others" = FBs, FWBs, lover-friends, platonic G/BFs, boytoys, etc.

My poly blogs here:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe

Last edited by JaneQSmythe; 05-26-2012 at 01:42 PM.
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Old 05-26-2012, 03:42 PM
PinkDragon PinkDragon is offline
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 90

:::hanging head in shame::: LOL

I love both giving and receiving gifts. And I absolutely adore cards. I don't know why, I just do. And, I have every card I've ever been given. I imagine that several decades from now when I die there is going to be an AWESOME estate sale. Which is really sad, because I won't be able to go ; p

I love giving Bear gifts. I randomly give him things all the time. Generally it's something useful, like a really cool button-up shirt that I just thought he HAD to have (this has been especially nice lately since he's lost a lot of weight and needs a new wardrobe).

For our recent anniversary I gave him something that really touched his heart. I had always sworn up and down that I would NEVER tattoo someone's name (besides my own, mom, dad, or kid) on my body. Well, I got his name on me in an under-the-clothes location because it's for HIM to see, not everyone else. Because anniversary year 7 is cloth he bought me a purse that I would have never bought for myself because of the price.

Oh, and I'm a total cheap-skate. My favorite stores are all thrift stores, but that doesn't mean a girl can't find nice stuff. You just have to be willing to dig : )
Pinky, 41, f, bi. Married to Bear, 42, m, straight.
Not dating anyone right now.

I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity.--EAP
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Old 06-09-2013, 11:25 AM
Request Request is offline
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You are very talented in understanding a man. The best gift in the relationship is a special attitude.
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Old 06-18-2013, 01:12 AM
Josie Josie is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 70

I absolutely love receiving and giving gifts. I probably love giving them more than receiving them. I like to make notes of all the things people I care about point out that they want and surprise them months later, after they've forgotten about it completely. I love doing personalised gifts and cards as well, I'm not very artistic but I do my best to put in something personal or something to make them laugh.

I haven't taken the Love Language test but I'm pretty sure I'd be gift oriented. I'm just crazy about how little gifts and actions can make someone's face light up. Last year was my boyfriend's last year of university and he was really stressed all the time and didn't get any time to get things for himself. So I'd go get a six-pack of coke to keep him going when he had all-nighters or make some homemade soup when he was ill and just drop it off and leave.

I had a boyfriend once who kind of dropped off the face of the earth for a month and didn't tell me quite what was wrong, just that he was working through some things - and all of the biscuits in the house whilst he was at it. I wanted to do something, but knew if I met him, he'd feel too guilty to tell me to go away. So I bought some of his favourite biscuits, attached a 'Hope you feel better soon' message to it, rang his doorbell, and ran. He said it was one of the nicest things someone had done for him.

And it doesn't always have to be something bought, or an item. I really like getting creative with what would be best for the person at the time. My girlfriend was feeling really bad whilst visiting her parents recently and posted online that all she wanted was to be with her partners or hear a story that would make it better.....so I wrote her a short story that featured how her whole poly journey started, included both her partners and was written like a children's story with each of us as woodland creatures.

It was my birthday recently and my boyfriend had next to no money. So he bought me a book, and has been reading it to me, chapter by chapter almost every night. He feels bad for not spending much money on me. I feel amazing because it was such a perfect gift.

....This is a much longer post than I had intended, although I guess that goes to show how very much I love presents.
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Old 05-29-2012, 03:51 PM
Nudibranch Nudibranch is offline
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: PNW
Posts: 36

Originally Posted by genebean View Post
The love language that I most associate with is that of gifts and I feel this love language gets a bad rap. My feelings on this have nothing to do with materialism or possessions but of the thought that goes into the gift. I get just as (if not more) excited about giving a gift as receiving. Does anyone here associate themselves with this and what are your thoughts?
I am totally in alignment with this. My beloveds are both brilliant in the language of hauling interesting things home to the nest. Sometimes they cost very little, or nothing at all, but show that they were thinking of me, of us, of our mutual enjoyment, or of fun that those gifts will make possible. Sometimes the best gifts are something like a snip of a plant that is beautiful, but we don't recognize, and can spend a delicious hour looking up and learning about. Or a rock with such an interesting shape, we can spend hours making up stories about it.

Sometimes the gift is very practical but just right. For instance there is a certain kind of fabric band-aid that I love but is hard to find, being a gardener and tool user who always is dinging up her hands. When my husband brought home a box of 200 of these and presented them with a shy smile and murmuring, "Married people gift!", my heart melted.

I don't mind if they are more lavish--I'm fond of high-powered rifles, for instance (some of which can be gotten quite cheaply, particularly the historic ones). But really for me it's more like the information/experience hunting-and-gathering thing that gets me where I live. The three of us are very much oriented around learning and growing, so anything that supports that makes each and all of us happy.
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Old 06-17-2012, 05:27 AM
Dreamy Dreamy is offline
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: US
Posts: 17

I think it's my least favorite language to receive, but it's a significant way I give/express love. I'm glad to read this thread and understand more about it.
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five love languages, love language, love languages

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