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Old 03-29-2010, 07:56 PM
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tinylove tinylove is offline
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Unhappy Please Help feeling so so insecure

Hi Everyone,

I am feeling really insecure today. My husband whom I have been married to for 11 years has a new love who is young. She is 22 and never been in a poly relationship.

I am 27 I have had three children and although I am in good shape and I exercise I have all the beautiful womanly scars of carrying three children. I have stretch marks on my stomach, my breast are not young anymore or full.

I know that this should not be important but it is. I have always been self conscious and it got worse after I was raped when I was younger.

I guess my biggest fear is that my husband will like this younger woman better than me. She is beautiful in every way and has not had any children.

My husband and I are very open with each other. Though I can't figure out a way to bring this up without sounding silly. I know in my mind he will say to me that he will always find me attractive but in my mind I see this as not true .

I feel sick to my stomach over this. I don't want to feel this at all. I want my husband to enjoy being with other people . I just do not know what to do.

Thanks for listening,
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Old 03-29-2010, 08:30 PM
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Ruby Ruby is offline
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Location: Seattle, WA, USA
Posts: 27

To be honest, telling my partners when I'm feeling insecure has worked well. They are sympathetic people, and I have been able to trust them with those feelings. They have done the same, when they felt insecure.

Would this work for you? Can you talk with your husband?
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Old 03-29-2010, 09:05 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Location: Upstate New York, USA
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I agree with Ruby - talking to him about it and sharing it with him would be a good way to go, so that the two of you can talk about it.

Try not to get into the whole "what she's got that I haven't" debate, though - that can quickly get petty. I would advise the two of you to work on what special things you have got in your relationship.

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
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Old 03-29-2010, 09:51 PM
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anon4now anon4now is offline
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Communicate, communicate, communicate...

That is my new mantra.
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Old 03-29-2010, 10:06 PM
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tinylove tinylove is offline
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Posts: 39

Yes I will have to talk to him and we always communicate about everything. We went throught this though before we were poly as I said before I am very self concious of myself. I guess I am just feeling like it is not going to help.

I feel like I can sit there and say "Look I feel really upset that you are seeing a 22 year old with a perfect everything " and all it is going to make me do is feel more upset and I know that canned response. What else can you say to someone. I understand that.

I just do not see how it is going to help me feel better. The issue is not him it is me and my insecurities.
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Old 03-29-2010, 10:41 PM
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Ruby Ruby is offline
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Location: Seattle, WA, USA
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Okay, this is maybe going to sound weird, but here goes:

I had a lover once who had lost a large amount of weight. She was covered in stretch marks, and was terribly self-conscious of this. Personally, I thought they looked awesome, and they symbolized a very important change in her life. I spent a lot of time kissing her stretch marks down her body, and tracing my fingers over them. I told her how cool I thought they were, and how beautiful. I continued to tell her this, on and off, over the time we were together.

As a parallel, you have carried and borne children, which is NOT easy for many women. Personally, I think you deserve to be proud of your stretch marks; they are a symbol of important milestones in your life. I have stretch marks from pregnancy as well. I look at them in the mirror, and remember the amount of work it was to "create" them. Can you learn to accept (or even love) your own marks? Can you see them as badges of pride?

I am now 41, and sometimes I knock up against my culture's worship of youth, thinness, and narrow ideal of beauty. My spouses help me with this by telling me how beautiful I am (and in what ways I am beautiful), but I find that I also need to consider my own outlook about myself. To be honest, therapy has helped in this.

Last edited by Ruby; 03-29-2010 at 10:50 PM.
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Old 03-29-2010, 10:26 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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nothing like knowing you yourself aren't shallow when you look at other people, and you can love them inspite of all of their flaws, but using that shallow mirror on yourself.
So many of us women do that.

I've been with Maca 12 years. Not too different a time frame there. I have 4 kids, 3 of my own body. Stretch marks, sure. I had F cup boobs till they cut 'em off a week ago. Suffice it to say that they... hung. You know.
Anyway-now they are wrapped up in a billion layers of bandages and little B's that can't be seen. Tubes sticking out here and there. I look like an 80s science project gone wrong-seriously!

Guess what?

I look in that mirror and more often then not-I grown. I SEE the hot little young 20 somethings looking at my husband who know one realizes is nearing 40 because he still LOOKS like he's a mid 20s. (blonde/red hair, blue eyes, kick ass arms, baby face)

But here's the thing-even though he looks at them, and one day he may find one that he wants to hook up with too,
When he crawls into bed at night, he's not looking at me with that "damn, wish you had the same tits you did when you were in school." He's looking at me with that "OMG are you going to do THAT right now? with me?!"

Sometimes it really pays to stop and pay attention. Seriously-
it's not easy to make yourself do.

It's easy to pay attention the attention that they pay someone else.

Personally-I wouldn't ask him or tell him how you are feeling YET-I am ALL for honest communication.

BUT FIRST-check his actions, because they say actions speak louder than words.

Walk into that bedroom tonight. Wait till he's there, pull your shirt off slow, sexy, set it on the dresser, chair whatever. Talk with him about what you love about him.
Watch his face, stare into his eyes while you are talking, then unzip your jeans, slide them down and kick them off.

Take a few steps in his direction while you tell him how much you love the way he makes love to you (or if you like a little more dirty talk, the way he (pick your dirty way of putting it and fill it in here))
Slip the panties off and let them fall on the floor too.

I always left my bra on for MY ability to feel a little sexier, but you can take it off and drop it on the end of the bed or leave it on as you see fit.

Then climb up over him and DON'T START SEX, just keep talking to him and hopefully by now he will have figured out how to talk too.

Watch his face, watch his EYES.

Does he look at you like he still see's you as the girl he first fell in love with?
Does he look excited?
Does he look like he loves you?

See-I learned this one from my boyfriend,
He doesn't see me as I am today. I have to ACTUALLY SHOW HIM the changes with pictures for him to notice them. He still see's me the way he memorized me 17 years ago. Seriously.

When you close your eyes and you picture your husband, what do you see? Is he beautiful? Is he sexy? Does he make your motor hum?

DO NOT compare yourself to "her". That is ARBITRARY.

My bf and my husband look NOTHING alike. NOTHING. One is tall, one is not. One is dark haired and balding, one is blonde/red haired and not balding.

Ok, they do both have goatees...

One is skinny almost emo looking body type, the other is muscular and compact (not heavy, but damn sure not emo).

They also don't TALK alike, ACT alike, THINK alike. They are TOTALLY different.

But I love BOTH of them and I am turned on by BOTH of them. There are parts that I love on both of them-that are COMPLETELY different. Uh huh. Like arms, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my husbands muscular arms, they wrap around me and I feel safe. Sex... omg the power in those arms changes the whole dynamic!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE my bf's arms, not muscular at all. They are long and they wrap all the way around me and it's like the tentacles of an octopus enclosing me in his love.

So even though they are TOTALLY different-I still love them both often for the same OPPOSITE attributes!!

Your husband may very much enjoy this woman's "beauty". But he OBVIOUSLY enjoys yours as well, or he wouldn't be with you!

YOU need to FIND your beauty.

I was lucky in that I was NEVER self-conscious about my stretch marks. In fact I have a friend-who has DARK burgundy stretch marks from the birth of her first child-my godson. I find those marks so moving when I see them (not often). I am bi-but I'm not interested in HER that way. But I see those marks and all the emotions of that little boys birth flood through me, my nipples get hard,(I'm just writing this and it's happening) I get goosebumps to my toes, my motor starts humming.

So she stands around ALL THE TIME (kid is 13 years old!) talking about how much she HATES those stretch marks. She see's them as a flaw, but I see them and an otherwise not attractive to me woman, becomes beautiful....

My exgirlfriend looked at me once and said I was beautiful (actually she said it a lot) but this one time I got the balls up to actually ask her, no whining, just serious as day, "what is it that you think is beautiful, paint a picture of me through your eyes so I can see what you see"

She said I was like water.

Now a lot of people would respond to that with a "and so" wonder in their minds, but for me, I was watching her face, the face I found so beautiful. Her eyes were engaging, her skin flushed, she was drawn into me. She told me I was like water, soft and smooth and flowing from one place to the other with a rhythm all my own. All of this to describe how much she loved my NOT taught, firm, muscular body.

All the time I had been bent over losing those tight abs, those muscular arms. Hating the wiggly-jiggliness of my belly. And she was THE WHOLE TIME, LOVING the exact thing I hated!!!!

That ended it for me. (not with her)

I stopped presuming that what I see in the mirror is what someone else see's, because it's not!

First-watch him WITH YOU and stop watching him with her for a bit.
THEN-ask him to tell you what it is about you that he loves, what it is about you that turns him on, what it is about you that he simply finds irresistable.

IF you still feel insecure after that-then confess your emotions asap.
IF you don't, then tell him, "you know honey-I was feeling insecure, but after watching you and seeing _________, after hearing what you told me you love about me etc, I feel SO important, special, sexy (whatever).
Then ask him if he would help reinforce that emotion in you by reminding you of those things so you can retrain your brain to see you as he does, not how you do!
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 03-29-2010, 10:50 PM
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tinylove tinylove is offline
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Posts: 39

Thank you LovingRadiance thank you so much.
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Old 03-30-2010, 12:45 AM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,989

Knowing my wife has struggled with a similar situation in the past, I wanted to reply to this thread from the beginning, but had no idea how to describe what I was thinking. I could never explain it at the time to my wife either...not in a way that she ever seemed to believe.

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
He doesn't see me as I am today. I have to ACTUALLY SHOW HIM the changes with pictures for him to notice them. He still see's me the way he memorized me 17 years ago. Seriously.
Thanks LR for phrasing it in a way I could never figure out.

Of course, even when I see pictures, and then look at my wife, she's only become more beautiful with every passing year...but I see things that she doesn't...or maybe I don't see things that she does.

Originally Posted by lisbeth View Post
Thirty-something women rock.
Amen to that brother.
“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

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