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Old 03-29-2010, 01:54 PM
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I've been thinking a lot about time with people over the past couple of weeks. It's true that the love for one person does not diminish the love for another but time is another matter all together. There are only so many hours in a day so how do you make it work to make everyone feel special and cared for? I'm also wondering if there is any way to make the time thing work without it seeming overly like scheduling a buisness meeting.

-Derby
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Old 03-29-2010, 03:21 PM
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I think this question will vary from situation to situation depending on things like living arrangements, work and other "unavoidable" time sinks, children, etc. Also throwing into the mix is the partners expectations or desires.

I'd think keeping in contact when you aren't with a specific person is a good idea; text, email, IM, and phone calls are all ways of showing that you do care even if you cannot be together at that time.

Most importantly, make the time you do have together count.

Of course, I have yet to have a functioning poly relationship, but if you are not living with all partners, thinking about time together as if you were in a long distance relationship might help...unless you don't go for LDR's.

Even in mono relationships, couples schedule dates and things to do together.

Sorry for the disjointed thoughts here, brain is still waking up.

Another thing is to make sure your needs and desires are known to your partners and that you know theirs. Maybe partner A would love to go see a movie and partner B just wants to hang out and cuddle for a couple hours. Try to "go with the flow".
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Old 03-30-2010, 01:28 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vandalin View Post
Most importantly, make the time you do have together count.
I'm not that experienced of a poly person but this was a big deal with my last second boyfriend and something that we did not handle well. Especially because I am one of those "constantly connected" people who always has her cell phone on and is constantly connected. With my first boyfriend, I would often write this off because him and I already spent a great deal of time together but with the second boyfriend, I think it hurt him a lot to feel like there was something drawing my attention away from him (whether it was work, my mom texting me, me flirting with friends).

With that said, he wasn't great at making plans and so we would spend lots of time just "hanging out". Don't get me wrong, that was okay but I think we should have scheduled dates more often and made plans to really optimize the time we did have.

Like I said, I'm not that experienced but that's my two cents.

<3

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Old 03-30-2010, 02:51 AM
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With multiple partners, scheduling sometimes IS like a business meeting. Therefore, you should remember to dress appropriately for dates in a short skirt and pinstripe jacket, glasses, stockings with garters and classy high heeled shoes. That'll show 'em.
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Old 03-30-2010, 02:53 AM
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So now I have to do a shopping trip too?!?!?! When am I going to find time for that? LOL
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Old 03-30-2010, 02:54 AM
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Make a shopping date?
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Old 03-30-2010, 07:05 AM
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You've seen my calender Derby... its just is like that, busy and most of what I talk about with those I want to see is when!

I have fucked up so many times with getting times wrong, so I try to always check and hope people have patience. Those who don't live the way I do aren't as patient. They think I don't want to see them, which is far from the truth!

My sister in law for instance who has decided will come and visit this weekend. I have a full schedule already with little to no room in it. She is aggravated that I have made plans, but really they were made about two weeks ago. I try and make long term plans because I like to look forward to things and short term plans because I like to be busy and then leave a little extra time for stuff to come up.

I have somethings set more in stone than others so that I make sure they happen... Tuesday and Friday are Mono night sleepovers. Sunday is Nerdist's night... and sometimes another night if we can actually go and do something. Monday is more of an at home night, Thursday is a gym night for me and that leaves Wednesday and Saturday. The days are filled with work and child. Sigh... I love it, but it becomes a navigational nightmare sometimes... where I get little to no time for me...

I'm getting better at that though and better at keeping everyone up to date. Mono has a calender I bought him that I up date once a week almost. It tells him when and what we are doing. He leaves it all up to me to organize his social life, pretty close to that anyways... Nerdist I kick out of the house once in a while as he becomes a permanent fixture otherwise. he comes and goes on being social... he gets overwhelmed by too much and then hermits again. We have all worked it out now and it hums like a fine machine at the moment. Took some growing pains, but we got there. I'm sure it will change again though. change is inevitable.
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Old 03-29-2010, 03:56 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Yea - time (PERIOD) is one of the biggest challenges in peoples lives now.
I think in regards to relationships the best way to handle it is to all sit down and just acknowledge it together as a family.
Acknowledge that it's a potential problem ( because it is) and all shake hands on an agreement that you will ALL do your best - acknowledging the difficulty - to work TOGETHER to make the best use of it you can. At the same time acknowledge that it may happen that someone feels they are getting the short end of the stick and that IF that happens ALL agree to sit down and talk about it and see how much is real, how much is perception, and what we can ALL do to handle either/both of those sides.

It's really quite doable but it takes commitment and openness.

GS
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Old 03-29-2010, 10:46 PM
lisbeth lisbeth is offline
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I try to minimize the time I spend on boring-but-necessary stuff, in order to maximize the time I have to waste...opps I mean spend on fun-and-interesting stuff.
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Old 03-29-2010, 11:24 PM
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Having children forced the three of us to give up on much spontaneity, but that might change as they get older. I'm not expecting it, though!

We schedule dates with each other and our lovers. However, within those periods of time we all seem to work on having a certain amount of spontaneous fun. Of course, we all like going out to dinner and a movie ("boy flicks," sci-fi, and thrillers with him; foreign, sci-fi, and art films with her). I do what I can to really focus on my partners during dates, whether that means not talking about the kids, or politics, or family concerns.
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