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Old 03-29-2010, 05:09 AM
Moonglow Moonglow is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 151
Default new and scared 40+ what the heck am I doing???

We are very new to this... still trying to figure it out. In a primary marriage with DH for 9 + years... (we are in our 40's) hit a jag, and i ended up outside marriage. Was missing emotional connection/intimacy due to complacency. Couldn't live with it and fessed up. DH afraid of losing me which was not really an option, just he realized that this was love and not a casual thing... so he said let's not be rash and how could this work?? BF is 60+ (we have known each other for 5 months)

We are in our very early stages right now. Have all been doing things together on the weekends all seems ok in fact better than that. Been learning stuff and getting things done around the house, sometimes just the two of them. I keep wondering if it really is ok. I never know how to tell except believing the words that are said to me. DH & I a reconnecting slowly, emotionally and physically. BF and I are very connected, in ways I just never could imagine.

I keep wondering if I am just asking way too much but I am truly grateful for such wonderful loving men in my life.

I want this to work, and I wondered if there's anyone that can offer anything other than just keep trying to talk. I don't want to ask too many stupid questions and I don't want to scare my men and I read through much of this and of course realize everyone's situation is different, (ok breath here) thanks for reading this far...
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Old 03-29-2010, 12:40 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,467

Change is always scary, especially if it's not something that you are used to in life.

Talking combined with open and honest communication is the best. Self-awareness is powerful - how can you tell you partners what you want if you don't know yourself?

Be open to things not going precisely as you imagine - understand which elements of your ideals are important and which aren't so much. There are various tools available that can help you do this.

And your (or anyone's) age makes not one BIT of difference!

Oh, and welcome to the forum!

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
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Old 03-29-2010, 03:10 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Hi MoonGlow - and welcome and thanks for sharing.

My thoughts.....just let it "grow". Don't over analyze it, don't label it, just live it.
It sounds like your two guys are getting along fine and they are definately old enough and mature enough to see what's developing. And apparently it's quite comfortable for them.
Be open to questions as they come but I wouldn't "force" big philosophical conversations (your fear of scaring your men etc). Just let it flow and develop and try to educate yourself on some of interesting twists that may arise. Because I'm sure they will and as you can read here and other places, the turns can be navigated successfully. The better prepared you are the easier they are to navigate.

Good luck and above all - ENJOY !

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Old 03-30-2010, 02:07 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

1st and foremost-enjoy each day.

After you have that down, remember to take time to look into yourself and ensure you are being real and true to your NEEDS and goals.

After that work on SHARING your appreciation to THEM-both of them individually and together when applicable for the effort THEY make to help you in meeting your needs/desires etc.

After that look to see what each of their needs are and how you can help with those without failing to meet your own.

Overall-be happy!

Maca (my husband of 11 years) had a big issue with looking for where the problems would arise-makes everyone miserable.

When he started focusing on being happy-he found that we have a KICKASS life and he likes it, for real. Then he started noticing all of the little things he likes and that started making all of us like being around him more, which in turn made for MORE fun and enjoyable times for him (and us)-so be happy!!
"Love As Thou Wilt"
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Old 03-30-2010, 05:01 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Louisiana... Go Saints!
Posts: 179

I've had the same feelings and was in that exact situation. I've questioned my age (25). Am I emotionally mature enough to handle the work that will come from my heart's desires. Is this really okay. Am I trying to fill a void from a relationship that is lacking. Is this fair to them. Ect ect ect. The fact is I genuinely love my boyfriend. And I've learned that age has nothing to do with my ability to make this work. I want them both for the rest of my life as do they so I work for what I want and that's all there is to it. I still feel like I'm just greedy sometimes, but I work on it when that thought comes up. I find my affirmation that this is in fact okay when we all are together (boyfriend is long distance so it's a rare thing at the moment) and the house is warm and we all are oozing a peaceful happiness. It fits us. It's right for us. US. Not just me. I still have to confirm this from time to time because this is a happiness I have never known and I want to always make sure that I'm not blinded to their feelings of our poly relationship by that happiness.
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Old 03-31-2010, 01:17 AM
Moonglow Moonglow is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 151

Thank you so much. I appreciate your responses. I do kind of live day to day thinking about things and just wondering where it will lead. I do know it is going out of that NRE phase and into a more settled feeling... with BF as we sort of don't write as many emails and don't see each other every day, etc. We will see each other soon alot because we are working on a community project together and will be getting ready for the presentation soon and so there;s lots of work to do. DH is not involved in this project, (yet) so I'll have to make sure that everybody gets what they need.

My needs are more than being met. I wanted a connection with someone, that I felt was missing, not only did I find one but I rekindled one I didn't think could be repaired. Hope the wave keeps cresting along...

Thanks for your kind comments. I am glad to know we are not out there alone.
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Old 03-31-2010, 01:22 AM
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BriarRoseMcDougal BriarRoseMcDougal is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 4

A local music artist Vicki Martinez has a song with a line I love....

Let go of yourself. We spend too much time trying...

When everything already is....

No advice, but wanted to share that with you.
If you don't like where you stand, move!
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