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Old 03-26-2010, 04:01 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Default Idealist Poly Blog part 1

Welcome!! This blog is an effort to sort out my thoughts and feelings about my personal journey and to share with others for entertainment and to offer support and validation. The names have been changed for anonymity. Any feedback is welcome.

Born and raised in the Deep South, I am a 52 year old single female, and I’ve never been married. Living alone for 10 years now, I have created a life that works for me. At this time in my life, I have 4 male lovers and a female friend that I would like to eventually call my lover.

At the age of 16, I wanted to have sex for the first time with my boyfriend of almost 2 years, but he was either too scared due to inexperience and not knowing what to do, or his Catholic upbringing had convinced him that it was wrong. No matter what the reason, he broke up with me- probably because of the pressure. I was very disappointed and felt grief, sadness and confusion upon losing him. That was when my virginity seemed like a burden rather than anything special or desirable, so I had sex for the first time with a stranger just to get it over with.

A year later, I hooked up with a 21 year old guy and lived with him for 4 years. It was a very sexual relationship and we would occasionally have sex with other couples that we knew. It was quite exhilarating for me, having been extremely sheltered in my life up to that point. I enjoyed the spontaneity of the lifestyle and often felt an underlying sense of tension and anticipation of what would happen next. We would develop close friendships with other couples and those connections would usually become sexual. I eventually outgrew the relationship and left it when I was 21.

For the following 10 years, I was single with lots of friends. I found myself initiating sexual connections with friends, (male and female) as well as creating environments which felt safe for groups to have sexual experiences. Even now, I occasionally run into someone who remembers me because they had been invited to a group gathering over 25 years ago!

Last edited by idealist; 05-19-2010 at 02:52 AM.
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Old 03-27-2010, 02:05 AM
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Default Idealist Poly Blog part 2

As that lifestyle began to lose interest for me I considered a lesbian lifestyle and started seeing a woman I met at a party. She moved in with me right away and we lived together for about a year. She had emotional issues which was confusing for me, so in an effort to understand some things about her and my feelings, I found a therapist and started seeing her weekly. Therapy was amazing and to this day I am so glad that I stuck with it. (I saw the same therapist off and on for almost 15 years and if an issue came up today that I needed help with, I would call her). So, after a few years of therapy, I started going to AA. The Twelve Steps helped me start becoming more conscious of who I am and why I made the choices I had made up to that point.

This process opened me up to the desire for my first serious monogamous relationship. At the age of 30, I met Pattie and we became involved. After dating for 1 year, we moved in together and eventually purchased a home together. We were together for 12 years. We were monogamous and only once did I have a thought or desire for sex outside of the relationship. I was open with her about it, I resisted the urge and it passed. This was an emotionally healthy relationship since we were both in recovery and were able to practice great honesty.

My years of therapy and honesty with myself, however, resulted in my leaving her so that I could pursue a heterosexual lifestyle. It took me two years to get through the grief process. I felt a lot of guilt for hurting her.

That was 10 years ago and in these last ten years, I have had 7 monogamous relationships with men.

Last edited by idealist; 05-19-2010 at 02:52 AM.
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Old 03-27-2010, 04:03 AM
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Default Idealist Poly Blog part 3

So these are the guys that I've been in monogamous relationships with in the last 10 years. Four of them are currently part of my Poly Family.

Randal- My first lover was Randal and he affected me, my life, my thoughts and emotions in a major way. We were business associates and just connected right away. He was very spiritual and that was what I liked about him. We were only together for 2 months. He died about a year after we broke up.

Edward- Edward was also a business associate that I had known for many years. He was single at the time, and safe. We dated for 6 months. We are platonic friends now and still talk and get together occasionally.

John- Shortly after ending the relationship with Edward, I met John standing in the check-out line at Home Depot. There was in instant chemistry between us. We were together almost 3 years. We broke up for about 4 years and then we were together for 1 Ĺ years again. (See below) We have kept contact and are currently lovers- he is part of my Poly family. He is not currently seeing anyone else, but he is free to do so if he chooses.

Steven- I met Steven at a Convention. Although he lived in another state, we had a long distance relationship which lasted one year. We have also remained in contact and although he lives in another state, I consider him part of my Poly family now.

Richard- After the long distance relationship with Steven, I desired more daily contact, so I signed up with an online dating service and that is how I met Richard. We were also together about 3 years. He is part of my Poly family now also. He does tend to prefer monogamous relationships, so he occasionally dates other women and he will probably get involved in a monogamous relationship eventually and our relationship will become platonic.

John- Dated John again for 1 1/2 years. Towards the end of this part of my relationship with John is when I started thinking that monogamy wasn't working for me. I wanted the freedom to see other people. We went 8 months with no contact. Then, I contacted him and explained about my lifestyle and asked if we could see each other, under these new conditions. He agreed.

Charles- It was love at first site when I met Charles. I met him at a night club. He is the only one of my current lovers that I have never had a monogamous relationship with. He has a primary lover (Holland) and I am his secondary. I am pretty close to Holland and we have a good relationship too.

Last edited by idealist; 05-19-2010 at 02:53 AM.
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Old 03-27-2010, 04:46 AM
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Wow! Keep up the sharing
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Old 03-27-2010, 03:58 PM
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Default Idealist Poly Blog Part 4- Rigorous honesty

Many individuals have developed a manner of living that relies heavily on deception and manipulation as a means of self-preservation. It can become a habit and even unconscious. I was shocked when I became fully conscious of how capable I am of manipulation and deception. My experiences with therapy, 12 step recovery groups and interaction with a spiritual teacher brought me to a point where I wanted to be more honestÖ.that was the first step for me. I found that there is great freedom in honesty.

The next step, for me, was honesty with myself. How I have avoided that! Itís not easy to be honest with yourself, especially when your thoughts, feelings, beliefs and/or desires are not in line with what is considered ďnormalĒ in the society where you live. Being an extrovert (not that introverts donít struggle with this) I have struggled with the need and desire to be accepted. So- one of the things I spend a lot of time and energy on is developing and nurturing a peer group of individuals who have similar lifestyles or similar values, and who are operating from a similar level of consciousness with the desire to live an honest life. I believe this forum is an example of that, for me, and that is why I am sharing my story here.
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Old 03-27-2010, 04:14 PM
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Default Idealist Poly Blog Part 5- Values

Becoming aware of and identifying what my core values are has been a very important process for me in becoming more conscious and honest with myself. I found a list of values which is quite exhaustive. (Iíll attach it to this post as a PDF. let me know if you would like a txt version) One week, I went on a vacation with a few friends and we brought the values list and each studied it and worked on identifying our core values by choosing the ones that are most important to us.

Iím going to share how I use it, but first some of my personal thoughts about life in general to lay the groundwork.

I can spend energy creating environments which are conducive to certain things like motivation, romance, success, love, etc. but the only thing I can actually control in terms of my place in the world and my interactions with others is how I react or respond to each circumstance which is presented to me in each moment. I have come to believe that I am the thinker; not my thoughts. And as a result, I can manage my own thoughts, beliefs and subsequently behaviors. I can be aware of my emotions and do not have the desire to control them, but I can allow them to flow and remain aware of them. So- how to react in the moment to a circumstance?? Thatís when awareness of values comes in.

We all can (and do) make split second reactions and responses daily to people and events in our lives. What is driving my reactions? Well, we all knowÖ.. A lot of things can cause a reaction. But, I believe that becoming aware of our values; you might say bringing them out into the open will result in our responses and reactions being driven by what we value.
And as a result, we begin to create more in our life which supports our values.
So- thatís how I use the Values List.

It has been an awakening process for me and my friends. We have really discovered some interesting things about ourselves by studying our values lists. One of the things worth mentioning here is this:

I have come to believe that many life struggles are a result of conflicting values.........and the desire to satisfy some of my own conflicting values is what has landed me in a polyamorous lifestyle.
Attached Files
File Type: pdf Values List.pdf (10.4 KB, 21 views)

Last edited by idealist; 03-27-2010 at 04:26 PM.
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Old 04-13-2010, 08:24 AM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist View Post
Many individuals have developed a manner of living that relies heavily on deception and manipulation as a means of self-preservation. It can become a habit and even unconscious. I was shocked when I became fully conscious of how capable I am of manipulation and deception. My experiences with therapy, 12 step recovery groups and interaction with a spiritual teacher brought me to a point where I wanted to be more honestÖ.that was the first step for me. I found that there is great freedom in honesty.

The next step, for me, was honesty with myself. How I have avoided that! Itís not easy to be honest with yourself, especially when your thoughts, feelings, beliefs and/or desires are not in line with what is considered ďnormalĒ in the society where you live. Being an extrovert (not that introverts donít struggle with this) I have struggled with the need and desire to be accepted. So- one of the things I spend a lot of time and energy on is developing and nurturing a peer group of individuals who have similar lifestyles or similar values, and who are operating from a similar level of consciousness with the desire to live an honest life. I believe this forum is an example of that, for me, and that is why I am sharing my story here.
Very cathartic reflections. Thank you for this Idealist! My experiences in poly are very new. My lover has opened me up to it and is helping me become a more honest, open and most importantly TRUSTING person. My husband while accepting isn't quite open about his feelings. I am hoping curiosity helps him discover something better, and to an alternative to the "half-empty glass of life"
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