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Old 05-18-2012, 09:24 AM
KnotOfKells KnotOfKells is offline
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Default Is it worth it?

Hi there. Newbie here on the forum, and not particularly experienced in poly relationships. I've been in a triad sort of relationship once before (me and girlfriend expanding our relationship to include a mutual boyfriend- co-primary, I guess?). There's a lot of background there, but in the end it lasted about a month before a very messy breakup with the boyfriend.

I've known for a long time that it's impossible for me to only love one person at a time. But I concluded after that ordeal that I simply couldn't deal with the actual issues involved. It's not that I couldn't handle being jealous, it's that I couldn't handle jealousy over me.

I've since gotten out of the relationship with the girlfriend (six years, first serious relationship), after becoming aware of many issues, most revolving around possessiveness and extreme jealousy on her part. It's not the first time we've broken up, and every time I tend to jump straight into relationships with someone else I have feelings for. I have cut her out of my life and am very much done with her on the relationship front now, but I have ended up rushing into another relationship with someone, and it's gotten serious very quickly.

He and I are extremely compatible on several levels, and I know that I love him. We're also long-distance (very, very long-distance) at present. He is planning on moving here and getting a place with me, and I'm a little freaked to be honest, because it's a lot happening very fast. I don't think that I have issues with commitment, but I do know that I'm a very independent and introverted person and that he is much needier for attention than I am. It's strange, and I sort of feel like an asshole, because I'm used to being the one having to work for affection but also the one expected to maintain the continuing relationship, and now I am almost overwhelmed by how much he is doing to keep it going. But I'm sort of rambling, so the point is that we have our stumbling blocks as we get used to this, but I am happy and I want him.

The problem is that very shortly after I figured that out, I met someone else whom I want very badly as well.

Now, boyfriend is mono and kind of possessive. Not in unhealthy levels like my ex-girl, but he has been pretty clear that he doesn't like to share.

It started as a crush on a new friend of mine. Boyfriend and I had been friends for months before we got together; I met my crush a few weeks before he and I got together. She's poly, with a husband, and lives one state over from me. I took a liking to her immediately, and as soon as my attention came away from Shiny New Relationship with the boyfriend, I realized that thinking "I would totally go for her, she's cute" had gone to "Oh man I have a thing".

About the same time, she confessed to having a crush on a mutual friend, and while I was helping her through it, I ended up admitting to crushing on her. We both were very clear that I was not asking for anything, and that I was content with my boyfriend. I thought if I got out the exciting crush thing, it would go away and I could calm down.

Crush went away. Feelings did not.

She has since gotten into a tentative relationship status with the friend of ours/her new girlfriend. Ever since then, I've been getting increasingly jealous. Not that someone else is getting time with her; I'm not jealous of her husband at all. I'm jealous that someone else can have time with her and explore a new relationship. I have not reiterated my feelings, though, because I don't know really what to do. I want my boyfriend; I want her. But I don't know if I can have both, and I'm afraid of risking one to not even have a chance with the other. I know boyfriend makes me happy. I know she has said she doesn't like to date younger people, and she is six years older than me. But I am not sure that the current state of things is going very well, either.

This is all complicated by the fact that the five of us (boyfriend, her, her husband, her new gf, and I) are all friends.

In summation, I'm very confused, and I want to know: Is it worth talking about this to either of them, or is it better to give it time?
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Old 05-18-2012, 02:54 PM
freyamarie freyamarie is offline
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The first and most important thing is for you to feel safe and comfortable in your own skin. For most of us, that part is an ongoing journey.

Look at it this way...if you can't be completely honest with yourself and the others in your life then you would be setting yourself up for some serious drama and heartache.

I think you might want to at least consider discussing this with your boyfriend first. If he is truly mono and possessive, then there are going to be some very unpleasant times ahead for you. Wouldn't it be better to start this relationship out being 100% yourself and honest about it than to have issues down the road?
Also, it seems like things are moving at a pace that is uncomfortable for you with your boyfriend. Him moving in with you when you have lived far away from each other may not be a good plan. Maybe you could suggest that he get his own place first so that the pressures of developing the relationship won't be so high. ---As you do some reading here, you will find that it is often strongly advised not to jump into moving in together, particularly in a just budding relationship that has been previously maintained long distance.

Wishing you the very best.
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Old 05-19-2012, 08:26 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Moving someone in that you have only known from a distance has proven to be disastrous for most people I have talked to. Especially where poly relationships are involved and even more so if one person is mono and not experienced poly yet and even MORE so if they are possessive. To me that is a huge red flag. No matter where you go with other relationships I would suggest him visiting several times and then maybe moving near you getting a job and his own friends and then seeing how things progress. You might want to hold off on other relationships for some time if you go this direction. Otherwise I think I would work on other relationships and deal with his reaction while he is far away. He will likely need some time to get used to your relationship nature.

I would suggest doing a search in the tags here for "moving in" to see how other people have handled their relationships around moving someone from a long distance.
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Last edited by redpepper; 05-19-2012 at 08:28 PM.
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Old 05-19-2012, 09:45 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KnotOfKells View Post
We're also long-distance (very, very long-distance) at present. He is planning on moving here and getting a place with me, and I'm a little freaked to be honest, because it's a lot happening very fast.
Uh, and rightly so, I think!

You may think you know him, but... you don't know if you can live together! Slow down! If he wants to move near you, that's his choice BUT DON'T get a place together!!! At least not until you've spend more time as a couple in real life. Furthermore, if he is not accepting of you having other relationships, that is a huge hurdle to get past and living together will not make it easy to deal with, especially when you would still be getting to know each other and negotiating boundaries. How the hell do you expect this to work?

Time to use a little common sense, it seems.
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Last edited by nycindie; 05-19-2012 at 09:47 PM.
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Old 05-20-2012, 02:40 PM
KnotOfKells KnotOfKells is offline
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First of all, I want to thank everyone for responding here with your advice.

I have at this point talked to the boyfriend- about slowing down as well as about poly. He and I agreed that it would be better for him to get his own place first and see how it goes before we rush into living together.

As to being poly: He understands that I feel attraction and have crushes outside of our relationship, but he is not comfortable with me acting on those feelings. He does not think he could ever set aside his jealousy, and he believes in the ideal of devoting yourself to one person. He also seemed to feel uncomfortable with the idea of me being in love with someone else, and said that were that to happen, he feels that the options would be for me to live with it or make a call on "who I love more".

I also asked him if he wanted to know if I had feelings for anyone other than him. He said that his initial instinct was yes, but asked me to give him time to consider it. So at present he does not know that I have feelings for my friend.

I would be lying if I said that I am not disappointed, but as long as I am with him- and I do want to be with him- poly is not an option. So that is that.

Again, thank you for all of your advice.
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