Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 05-18-2012, 01:22 AM
newpoly1stwife newpoly1stwife is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 11
Default Hello - from the 1st wife aka Original

I am Jenn, and my husband and I recently made the decision to live a poly life. He has had many affairs in t past yet was never receptive of having an open relationship until recently. He has a girlfriend, who I recently met. I am having some jealousy issues surrounding my fear of abandonment. Their lack of concern and respect for my feelings right now is causing some concerns for me. They were already in the affair when the decision was made to do this. I have been very accommodating in trying to help and allow them to build a base for their relationship, even allowing him to divide time between our home and family and her home.

I am here looking for suggestions on how to make this a successful choice, although I know it will require them as well. Also possibly some ways to approach having different boundaries that will be respected.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 05-18-2012, 01:53 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,279
Default

Hi and welcome,

How long have you been married? how many kids.

Have you gotten any counseling for the cheating and affairs?

Have you express how hurtful their lack concern for your feelings is to you.

Are you looking forward and planning to find other partners?

Last edited by dingedheart; 05-18-2012 at 02:45 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 05-18-2012, 02:39 PM
freyamarie freyamarie is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Southwest Missouri
Posts: 36
Default

There is a ton of reading available to you here. Welcome and I hope that you find the answers you seek.

I think the first requirement you will need to make this work is to heal the wounds already present from hubbys past cheating. That will require both of you being willing to do the work and be completely honest with each other. I certainly don't know you or your situation so please don't be offended but I am already worried for you. I wonder if you are truly open to poly or if this is the way you can feel like you will be kept in the loop by your hubs. Like I said, please forgive me if I am way off base. I'd just really love to come here one day and read that you and hubby now have excellent communication and trust has been re-established and that your lives are going swimmingly.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 05-18-2012, 02:46 PM
newpoly1stwife newpoly1stwife is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 11
Default

I take no offense, I agree we need to heal things. I was actually the first to bring up the idea years ago, but he was never very receptive. I am open to an honest poly, although this current situation definitely turned into one I quickly became uncomfortable with. I did not know there were ground rules and boundaries I could set. And once I did she because very possessive and unwilling to agree to anything less than 2 consecutive days (at least she really pushed for more) with me not contacting them at all during those days.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 05-18-2012, 02:53 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,279
Default

How was this decided.....after his being caught again? How are the children handling the time split issue ...not to mention the whole poly thing?
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 05-18-2012, 03:12 PM
newpoly1stwife newpoly1stwife is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 11
Default

I had a feeling he was cheating a few weeks ago, but then thought it was my insecurity and stress (I was just finishing a hard semester in my career program) After we discussed it and decided it was something we wanted to explore I asked so whats your girlfriends name, and it was the one I thought he was cheating with a few weeks ago. The kids think he is on a photoshoot out of town, he is a photographer. If they think anything different they have not said and thats one thing I can count on with them is they tell me just about everything, especially our 10 yo. Honestly we havent discussed it with them as everything moved so quickly.

The more I have been researching I think what she presented to him as poly is different from what is the case and thats why she is being so resistent with meeting and setting boundaries. Her attitude yesterday was been the only changes can be in her favor.
I know it seems like I am defending him and blaming her solely, I am not he is at fault too, he could have chose to answer his phone when I called. He could have chose to discuss this with me even when it made her mad. He could have chosen to not have an affair. We are actually all at fault, I should have researched more as well because what I had believed was poly is different as well, however the honesty and communication of all involved was not. I should not have agreed to things I was not completely comfortable with, while I was trying to make them happy.

I do want an open poly, but I also know right now is not the right time and this woman is not the right woman. I plan on sticking around the board and learning more as there were many excellent relationship suggestions from people who have lived it, not just some person who has never been married who has written some rules and had a good publisher.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 05-18-2012, 02:39 PM
newpoly1stwife newpoly1stwife is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 11
Default

Hello and thank you

We have been married for 18 years and have 3 children. I was 19 when we married.

We have done counseling a few times over the years but never made it past 3 sessions as he always says they just tell him its all his fault and I do nothing wrong. Although that has never really happened and the last time (about 8 years ago) the 3 weeks were filled with homework that was more specific to me and negativity issues I was having. Although he did agree last night to go again.

Yes I did last night again as a matter of a fact. She began screaming at me because I was breaking the rules by contacting him during her time. The rule was he had to be available for contact and was not allowed to turn his phone off when he was staying at her house. I know this current relationship is not going to work, I have found her to be manipulative and she tells me things to make me feel bad and create doubt in not only my worth but in my relationship. When he gets home today we are going to have a deep heart to heart and I am going to let him know that she is not right for our mix. If she was truly interested in helping him grow, she would listen to him and help him work through things and look at the bigger picture instead of taking a small gripe he has and picking at it until it is a large oozing life threatening hole. She has no interest in being respectful to my concerns. I as the only one who made any concessions in the arrangements.

I had considered it, right now I dont want an additional relationship. I have to much other things in life that require my attention.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 05-18-2012, 04:09 PM
CielDuMatin's Avatar
CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,456
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by newpoly1stwife View Post
We have done counseling a few times over the years but never made it past 3 sessions as he always says they just tell him its all his fault and I do nothing wrong. Although that has never really happened.
If he is hearing this and the therapist isn't saying it, then it's his own internal voice that is telling him this.

If he is cheating on you by having a relationship with someone that you know nothing about and haven't agreed to then in my opinion is IT all his actions which are to blame for the cheating. Now, he may have reasons to cheat - a rough relationship, etc - but his decision to do something outside of your relationship agreement is 100% his - nobody forced him into it. I have no patience for the line "I had no choice but to cheat" - that's utter crap.

If you and he have issues in your relationship, and it really sounds like you do, then this is the absolute worst time to be exploring poly. If, in addition, he has a cowgirl chasing him down, then all that's going to do is make your and his relationship even more strained and more difficult to get back on track... it's sounding like this is already happening - it's not in her interests to make this work - she wants him for herself (assuming she really is a cowgirl, that is).

For me, an important part of poly is that each person have a great deal of respect for the other relationships in the configuration. It can't work if that isn't there.

It sounds like thing are completely out of control in your life and relationship, and it really urgently needs to be brought back under control before you can start complicating it with others.
__________________
Please check out The Birdcage - an open, friendly Polyamory forum for all parts of New York State
http://www.thebirdcage.org/

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 05-18-2012, 04:21 PM
newpoly1stwife newpoly1stwife is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 11
Default

I totally agree. I admit I entered this blindly with what I thought poly was, he entered based on what she had suggested to him. Things have gotten out of control in our relationship. I am waiting for him to get home so we can get back on track as trying to talk on the phone with him at her place is not productive. I feel she is definitely a cowgirl (I am just learning about this term) and hopefully when he is away from her and takes a review of the past few days he will see just how she played us both against each other.

We have had problems in the past and I honestly thought things were going so much better, so did our friends and family. Many times in the past few months many people had commented that they had never seen us so happy and relaxed, so when I started to suspect the affair I think I talked myself into thinking I was wrong.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 05-19-2012, 07:15 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Olympia, Washington
Posts: 5,780
Default

Hi Jenn,

Although it's a little late for me to say it, can I just offer you my welcome to the forum.

Re (from Post #1):
Quote:
"He has had many affairs in the past yet was never receptive of having an open relationship until recently."
It sounds like he has gotten rather comfortable with the "cheating model" of conducting a relationship, and he may not take well to the idea that he needs to not have any outside relationships for awhile while he does some mending of fences with you. However, I do agree with the others that he needs to concentrate on his relationship with you for awhile, not be off having fun with some other woman.

I'd say different if he'd already been conscientious and his relationship with you was good and on solid ground. But if you are feeling like you have no say-so in anything he does, that's a sign (to me) that he's been, well, neglecting you.

I'd still get that couple's counseling if I were you, as long as he's willing to do it. You and he should try to get to the bottom of what has been fueling his pattern of affairs. Is there something about you that he's not happy with? If so, he should put that on the table.

I think your attitude is amazing and patient, and he's lucky to have you. Keep researching on poly, and stick to your guns when it comes to asking for reasonable boundaries. You deserve to be treated like your feelings matter.

I'm glad you're with us here on Polyamory.com. I hope we can be of some help to you along the way.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:19 PM.