Is it just me, or is this becoming more about sex only?

[CielDuMatin]

Please tell me this is just me, if it is...

It seems like more and more folks are posting on various poly boards talking about the "relationship primarily for sex, and maybe with other feelings". My understanding was that this was swinging, not poly, which (I thought) focused more on the total relationship, rather than just the sex).

I am finding that I can relate to less and less posts on these boards because of this. I don't have a problem with swinging at all - it's just not something that interests me, or that I can relate to in any way. Is this a trend that is the way we are going - to merging swinging with polyamory, or do we feel that they are two different takes on responsible non-monogamy that each need their own resources?

[Mya]

I am both poly and open, so these two aren't really separable in my own life. For example in my blog I write about my two relationships that include love, commitment and all that. But I also write about my FWB who I don't love or have a serious relationship with. Both of these things are present in my life so I don't feel like I should only write about the serious relationships here and find another forum to write about my FWB.

Could you give some examples of topics here that you find aren't really related to poly?

[CielDuMatin]

Mya, I really don't like to single anyone out, I guess.

This is more a question of whether we are, de facto, changing the definition of poly to include this type of relationship model. Because if we are, then I am going to have to add a whole 'nother set of questions to folks during the "getting to know what type of poly person you are" discussion.

I do know that there are a lot of folks who have overlapping interests, and I am certainly not trying to cast any aspersions on that.

Maybe this is just me being curmudgeonly (and that's not beyond the bounds of possibility, given my life right now), maybe not - was just looking for some feedback...

[Mya]

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin

Mya, I really don't like to single anyone out, I guess.

Okay, so you were talking about individual situations where people seek help? I though you were talking about general discussions here, which I think revolve mostly around relationship stuff. There are sex topics as well, but sex is usually a part of romantic relationships, so I think that is as good a topic as any other area of relationships.

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin

This is more a question of whether we are, de facto, changing the definition of poly to include this type of relationship model. Because if we are, then I am going to have to add a whole 'nother set of questions to folks during the "getting to know what type of poly person you are" discussion.

I do think that the definition of polyamory includes love and I wouldn't come here only writing about purely sexual relationships. It's just that these two aren't always very easy to separate. I can only talk about myself here but since I know I am capable of loving more than one, there's no way of knowing what happens with my FWB feelings-wise. Also, open relationships can cause very similar feelings for example to a person whose partner has another partner, even though that other partner is only sexual.

[CielDuMatin]

Originally Posted by Mya

Okay, so you were talking about individual situations where people seek help? I though you were talking about general discussions here, which I think revolve mostly around relationship stuff. There are sex topics as well, but sex is usually a part of romantic relationships, so I think that is as good a topic as any other area of relationships.

Yeah, it's often people looking for help, or even in the personals section.

I agree that there are always going to be sexual discussions around relationships, but there seem to be a load of people who post a "poly" question where the scope of the question seems to have to do with sex-only relationships...

Like I said, it's probably me, and I'm probably way off-base. Based on your response, and the lack of response from anyone else, it's more than likely just me...

[km34]

I've noticed a lot of sex-focused threads, but I'm not sure if it's because the relationships are sex-focused or if the problems arise around sex. I suspect the latter.

[Phy]

No, this isn't just you. I got the same feeling, but it was kind of always there since I discovered the site. There seem to be many who include relationships, mainly based on sexual encounters into their definition of poly. I never understood that but it was somehow 'the other side of the scale' if this makes sense. Some people (for example) do have 'relationships' I personally would never call anything like that, but that is again just my preference and my way of defining what a relationship is. There seem to be some kind of 'poly' I wouldn't personally call poly myself. For me, a relationship based on sex does clearly belong to the swinging department.

[wildflowers]

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin

Like I said, it's probably me, and I'm probably way off-base. Based on your response, and the lack of response from anyone else, it's more than likely just me...

Nope, not just you.

I can accept that some people are simply interested in sex, although that attitude doesn't appeal to me personally.

I think what throws me though is when people focus entirely on sex and don't even seem to realize it: they seem to think they are talking about an emotional/loving relationship but in fact the sexual aspect of it seems to be all that is really registering or all they are really pursuing. Just makes me feel weird or uncomfortable in a way I can't totally explain.

At the same time, sexual attraction or chemistry can have a powerful effect on building a connection and fostering a feeling of love; it's not always that easy to evaluate how much of that "madly in love" feeling is due to the pull of attraction vs other factors. To me this is also disconcerting (in my own life, not so much in the posts), in that it makes me distrust myself a bit.

Overall I agree with prev posters that gray areas cover a fair bit of ground.