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Old 05-10-2012, 12:07 AM
Ichigo Ichigo is offline
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Default monogamous in polyamry

Hi I am new to this website and there is this girl that i am dating who wants to do polyamry but I am a monogamous and so it is kind of a weird situation but I am well going to be dating only her while she is dating other people doing the polyamry aspect stuff and I am well kind of having a hard time about this like I want to be with her and have agreed to try this with her but I am not quite sure what to do I was wondering if any one has been in a similar situation and can give any advice
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Old 05-10-2012, 12:16 AM
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DarayTala DarayTala is offline
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My fiance and I have been together for almost five year now, with him monogomous and me poly the entire time. Honestly, it hasn't been all that difficult because he doesn't usually have issues with jealousy, which I believe is because he is secure in our relationship and has seen that my feelings for him never wane because of relationships with others. We also really don't have issues with time management because initially when I would spend the night with a partner, it was his down time to do things he enjoys that I really have no interest in. Plus, at the moment we have a poly household, and he is friends with both of my other partners so we all spend a lot of time together as a group. I know that for others jealousy and time management certainly can be an issue though, so there is a learning process in working to manage those.

What other things are you concerned about? I know he and I have talked extensively about our feelings and hopefully we might be able to help you ease into the world of polyamory as a monogomous person.
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Old 05-10-2012, 01:03 AM
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There are many many threads on this topic if you do a tag search for "mono/poly." We have been pretty heavy with monogamists looking for answers over the years and I'm sure you will find a wealth of knowledge and stories to read. There is no quick answer to your question but with time and understanding that love can be abundant and expansive, you might just get there. Good luck. Look for threads by MonoVCPG and Sage.
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Old 05-10-2012, 01:10 AM
Ichigo Ichigo is offline
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Also another thing is I get kind of afraid to talk to her about this stuff afraid I might slip up and say something stupid or something else you know and how like i feel this way about this but i dont want he to think i am telling her to not do it just well i guess that is another thing how do you guys come to compromises with stuff when it comes to things involving polyamry and other thing
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Old 05-10-2012, 01:11 AM
Ichigo Ichigo is offline
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cause it feels like she is just saying this is what i want and is letting me know and there is no room for well any sort of conversation or compromise
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Old 05-10-2012, 05:43 AM
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Welcome first of all.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ichigo View Post
how she might like leave me for some one she likes better cause i mean i guess this is more fear talking but since she is activly out looking for other relationships i mean i worry she might find someone she likes better and i end up second string or not at all
If we talk about poly in this case, you can be at ease. What describe would be the behaviour of a monogamous person, as this person would fall out of love if a new love interest comes along. A poly person just falls in love again without loosing the feelings for the older spouse(s). So rest assured, if your partner feels polyamorous, she won't leave you because someone is 'better'.

Ending up second may happen though, especially during the initial phase of the new relationship. We call that New Relationship Energy and this can lead to her neglecting you because of the new and shiny relationship she just developed. She needs to be aware of that and work on herself to not treat you unfairly.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ichigo View Post
Also another thing is I get kind of afraid to talk to her about this stuff afraid I might slip up and say something stupid or something else you know and how like i feel this way about this but i dont want he to think i am telling her to not do it just well i guess that is another thing how do you guys come to compromises with stuff when it comes to things involving polyamry and other thing
Talk to her about your fears, she should show an interest. Poly doesn't work (as most relationships don't work) if the partners don't learn to talk about their needs, wishes, fears, ... with each other. There is nothing wrong in stating "This or that doesn't sit well with me. I want to find an agreement concerning our handle on it in the future."

You will find many threats on boundaries around here. Try a tag search for "boundaries" and see what comes up. It's all about setting the stage for this relationship. You need to feel secure, loved and content with your relationship with her, otherwise things will blow up in your face.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ichigo View Post
cause it feels like she is just saying this is what i want and is letting me know and there is no room for well any sort of conversation or compromise
Especially this shouldn't happen. You have every right to express discomfort with the situation, as things are new to you and one needs some time to wrap the mind around it. And she on the other side doesn't have the right to expect you to function otherwise and apply a 'sink or swim' approach.

You really need to sit down and talk to her. Explain what is making you afraid, why you feel insecure and what your questions about the things she herself imagines are. If you don't speak up, things will not get better. You won't be able to be OK with your relationship miraculously over time. This needs some effort and work to function for both of you.

Wishing you luck and strength for your way.
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Old 05-10-2012, 01:06 AM
Ichigo Ichigo is offline
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Okay thanks for the information about the blogs yeah it is mainly the time management and also the jealousy part is kind of also the other thing like her sleeping with other people like how with her spending time with the other partner how she might like leave me for some one she likes better cause i mean i guess this is more fear talking but since she is activly out looking for other relationships i mean i worry she might find someone she likes better and i end up second string or not at all
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