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Old 03-20-2010, 03:53 AM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Default Multi-partner co-habitation

Redpeper, Polynerdist , her son and I have become family. Full stop. We spend a great deal of time together and consistently work as a team to achieve family goals of various magnitudes. We enjoy our time together as a group as much as our time as individual couples. We have other people sharing in her and her husband's life and everyone seems to be quite healthy and happy. We are out to our families and their acceptance is growing. Above all we respect each other immensely and have a vested and common interest in the health and well being of their son.

Despite being a couple for only 14 months, which doesn't seem that long to some, we are extremely integrated and have spent huge amount of time together as a couple and as a family. I would hazard a guess that our actual time together rivals many who's calendar time is much longer.

So based on our approach to poly and our goals the next logical step seems to be living closer... much closer....cohabiting with me in a suite. Obviously this comes with huge benefits logistically and in the area of emotional family closeness. It also comes with some unknowns. How close is too close for their primary relationship? Is there a "too close". What about me...will I feel less wanted if I am always that close? Will it be as special to visit me in a suite as it is to drive into town to see me?

I'd love to hear other member's thoughts on this. How long would you wait? We've seen several move in situations spoil relationships. Usually they were much quicker and do to extenuating circumstances.

What are you experiences?

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Old 03-20-2010, 04:18 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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There are technicalities that have to be addressed.

For me the ONLY downside to having us all living together as a family is strictly related to unresolved insecurities.

In every other aspect its positive.

As I've said previously-we've lived together (Maca, GG and I) for 7 years. My sister (ourdream) has been living here for 9 months, after being "out of the house" for the 7 previous years. But she lived with us prior to that as well.

I personally think that the benefits FAR outweigh the problems. But it is important to continue to communicate and MAKE those special moments together.

For me-hanging out in GG's room IS just as special as when he had an apartment. It's still set up just like "him" which is TOTALLY different than the way Maca and I set up things/decorate. It's still very.... secluded?

In my mind-it will be an awesome experience for you guys. The concerns I might suggest people watch for, I don't see as issues in your relationships.
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Old 03-20-2010, 04:20 AM
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Ha, ha, I was just thinking about posting regarding this topic. I don't know if I could put a specific time frame on it, just doing the 'poly' thing and communicating openly about expectations and boundaries. I'm assuming you would have your own room/space/suite, whatever makes everyone comfortable.
We are considering having my bf of 7 months move into the basement suite of our duplex and I'm torn if it's too soon. He would have a completely separate suite, but it's still a big step.
I don't know you or Redpepper or Polynerdist, but I've come to respect and admire what I've seen of your lives on the forums. If you're asking for my two cents, I would say you have already a formed a family bond, it makes sense to consider making a home together.
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Old 03-20-2010, 07:01 AM
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Without any personal experience to back it up, I'm reasonably confident in saying that the time frame varies for every family. Some couples can date for years and still never be ready to live together. With my husband and I, he came to hang out one night and basically never left. I was still living with my mom, and within 4 months we were moving into our own apartment. Things started great and have only gotten better.

So anyone who tries to tell you "that's too soon" is putting their own experiences into your life story, and there's no sense in that. If you all feel that you're ready then you're probably ready. From what I've seen, you all definitely have the compassion, communication, love and respect to work out whatever challenges arise. Beyond that it's basically logistics.
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Old 03-20-2010, 03:08 PM
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Thanks for the replies everyone Each of you have given me something to think about.

I'm not naive enough to think everything will be perfect but the positives are apparently stacked pretty high in our favor. Redpepper just talked to me about looking at things from a strictly logical point, which is not a new concept for me, but does make the path to take regarding this clear. It's the emotional stuff that is creating the "snails pace" so to speak. The unknown is not a thing I enjoy but if I pretend to know what will happen later I'll probably wind up making assumptions and missing out on something bigger.

Thanks again and keep sharing, this thread is about everyone's journey
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Old 03-20-2010, 04:01 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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The thing is, I have seen rp talk on here about how she thinks living together is not a thing for her, and how everyone needs time away from each other, their own space, and how going to your place allows her to "escape" from the drudgery of home-chores and predictability and what-not.

Then, on the other hand, I have seen her talk about how she wants you all to live together and be one big happy famblee 24/7/365.

So, while this makes absolutely no difference to me and I don't think I can add any new insights to what other people have already said, I feel that as your friend I owe it to you three to point out what I just said above.

What I suggest is for all three of you, and redpepper especially, to read over her posts from the past year or so and try to understand your self(ves) from the perspective of someone outside your dynamic.
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Old 03-20-2010, 04:24 PM
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Good points Ygirl, That's what friends are for
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Old 03-20-2011, 07:54 AM
axlfreak axlfreak is offline
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Default definitions

so i had some questions about definitions, and how things fit into them.

as i understand it, in a triad all three parties are romantically and sexually involved. and in a vee 2 parties are each separately involved with the 3rd.

so my questions are first, is that correct? and second if vees are not all romantically and sexually involved, how do the living arrangements pan out?

i ask these things because it seems R, K, and I may be becoming a vee. Although I've not counted out C yet (K's partner before this all came about, and still partner) so we may be a quad, or 2 vees...

anyway, my other question being about living arrangements.. in a vee, do the 3 parties tend to live together? and, not being romantically or sexually involved, how difficult is that on the 2 parties that are not the hinge?

this of course stems from personal experience. the latest being my hearing love noises through the door while K was over. i'm not naive, or lying to myself. i know they have sex, likely every time K is here, but to know and to hear, well they are different things.

or are there any vees in the crowd that have different living arrangements. such as the newest member living in a separate home, or somesuch. or does that make the relationship not a vee, but something else?

really i'm trying to come to grips with sex in my house, sex that doesn't involve me. it's odd. sometimes it makes me very sad. but it's hard to tell if it's something that is only saddening because it's so new, or if i will feel differently once the initial oddness goes away. and how to deal if it doesn't. can we all live together if i can't stand hearing them in the next room? and is it too much to ask that they keep the noise down? i mean, i wouldn't want her to ask that of R and myself. so i can't very well as it of them.

i'm sorry, my posts are always so long, and needy and they go in circles. but just being able to post here makes me feel a lot better about what we are doing. as i've mentioned, there is no one in my daily life that i can discuss this with. no one gets even close to understanding, i don't think anyone wants to.

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Old 03-20-2011, 08:13 AM
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If you keep reading this forum, you will keep finding out that poly relationships and entanglements are whatever you want them to be. More experienced peeps here can share how they live, but from reading here and talking to other poly people, I have learned that you can be involved in pretty much any poly dynamic with or without everyone all living together. There's no rule that any member of a triad, vee, or quad, etc. must cohabit.

And as far as there being sex going on within earshot, lots of people have posted here about being uncomfortable with that and so they come up with guidelines and ground rules. If you don't want to hear it, you don't have to. Seems that some people don't have sex where their SOs can hear them, or they go to a hotel or some other place - OR the one person not having sex with the others finds things to do to occupy their time and leave for a while (movies, boys' night out, etc.).
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Old 03-20-2011, 09:26 AM
axlfreak axlfreak is offline
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thanks cindie. i guess i do that a lot, kind of ask what's ok, when we all know everything can be ok depending on who's involved. what i really mean to ask is what's the norm, what have people here tried and how did it work out?

as for the sex in earshot, i have thought about finding something to do while that's going on. but it almost seems cowardly to me. no offense to anyone who works this way. i just feel like, if i am doing this, if this is all going to be a part of my life, i need to be able to embrace it all.

let me explain our current living arrangments. K lives with C, not here. but she comes over what amounts to every other day. spending the night 2 out of 3 times. we have two bedrooms, but R and i never slept regularly in either one. in 'my room' is a twin bed and not much else. in 'R's room' there is a futon and all his man cave stuff (tvs, gaming systems, computer...) before K, R slept in his room and i slept in the living room, which opens into his room.

so that means that when he's in his room with K, and i'm in the living room where i generally hang out, there's only a door between us. the plan is on our next pay day to make my room more inviting. then i can hang out there, so there's more than one door in between us all. we are thinking this will help all of us be more at ease.
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