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  #1  
Old 03-18-2010, 04:57 AM
korindino korindino is offline
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Default Attracting monogamists

I'm sensing a phenomenon lately, and I wondered if this had happened to anyone else.

About a week ago, I finally got around to changing my relationship status on all my various networking sites. On my OkCupid account, I added a short disclaimer about my views on poly and my place in a poly relationship.

Since then I've been bombarded with messages, especially from guys who ask me about being poly, and mention that they're mono and definitely could never do the poly thing. One guy even had a line in his profile about how he was "completely monogamous." I talk to them, explain to them why I'm poly, let them know that I'm happy where I am. I encourage questions. I don't intend to "convert" anyone to poly--I really don't care that much. They don't seem to want to convert anyway.

But despite all this, I've been asked out on dates by several of these guys, and find myself being pursued in a way that doesn't seem completely platonic.

Do these people think they can turn me mono again? That I'll like them so much that I forget how much I love my boyfriend and care about the girl I'm courting? I can't believe they actually would...

Anyone else have this happen to them? I just find it strange.
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  #2  
Old 03-18-2010, 05:15 AM
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Originally Posted by korindino View Post

Anyone else have this happen to them? I just find it strange.
Although this doesn't happen to me I would say you pose an interesting challenge to these men....kinda like a virgin LOL! Best to stay clear if they are saying they could never be with a poly person. Thanks for sharing this
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Old 03-18-2010, 01:48 PM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
...... Best to stay clear if they are saying they could never be with a poly person. Thanks for sharing this
Mono- did you know for sure that you could be with a poly person before you met Redpepper? Were you saying "I could be with a poly person" ? Just wondering!! Thanks !!
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Old 03-18-2010, 02:48 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Default Uh huh

Yea, I'm inclined to agree with those who point to sex. It's a "little or no commitment" attraction - YOU are poly - so in contrast to their usual pursuits of mono mates - you offer the "what's good for the gander is good for the goose" option. Remember how little most of the population understands about poly concepts. For most when they hear it it just means lots of sex partners. And in a world of sound bite mentality - few will bother to research !



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Old 03-18-2010, 02:52 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by idealist View Post
Mono- did you know for sure that you could be with a poly person before you met Redpepper? Were you saying "I could be with a poly person" ? Just wondering!! Thanks !!
Certainly not LOL! I didn't even know what poly was before meeting Redpepper. The idea of poly actually got harder to as my love for her deepened.

The only thing I really know is that I can be with her and she has a husband. That's all I know for sure....that and the fact that I ma completely in love with her
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Old 03-19-2010, 06:39 PM
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Originally Posted by idealist View Post
Mono- did you know for sure that you could be with a poly person before you met Redpepper? Were you saying "I could be with a poly person" ? Just wondering!! Thanks !!
As I remember it he mentioned that he was impressed at how much I knew myself and what my needs are. He was impressed that I knew so much about my sexuality and was respectful that he was different from me yet equally as valid.

He was mostly curious as were most of the guys I meet on on-line dating sites, saying similar things as the OP said in their OK cupid profile.

There were definitely some guys that were looking for a woman in an "open relationship" (truthfully or not) that weren't getting her needs met sexually and wanted a quick fuck.... there are women out there like that and they thought I was one of them.
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Old 03-19-2010, 11:03 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Originally Posted by korindino View Post
Since then I've been bombarded with messages, especially from guys who ask me about being poly, and mention that they're mono and definitely could never do the poly thing.
My first reaction to this was a guy writing to another guy saying "I'm not gay and I could never be with a guy, but..." ... and me thinking "well if I'm a guy and you don't like guys, then why the hell are you messaging me?"

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There were definitely some guys that were looking for a woman in an "open relationship" (truthfully or not) that weren't getting her needs met sexually and wanted a quick fuck.... there are women out there like that and they thought I was one of them.
This.

If a guy wants just-sex, he would love to find someone who will give him lots of sex without expecting a relationship "in return." Because let's face it, the vast majority of women out there really are hunting for their husbands, with sex as the currency they must pay to spend time with potential partners. The guys probably meet a lot of single girls who claim not to be looking for a relationship, but then after spending a few nights together, start "wanting more" or to know "where this is going." They probably figure that if you're already in a relationship, that won't be an issue.
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Old 03-20-2010, 03:07 AM
EugenePoet EugenePoet is offline
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Heh, heh. I think there's a definite sexual dimorphism on this issue. What I hear is that mono men message poly women pretty frequently, and in a fairly Neanderthal manner. The reverse is not true.

My poly relationship has tight boundaries, as I've mentioned elsewhere -- one date evening a week. So, with the knowledge and encouragement of my lady love, I have been looking for other friendships to fill the voids.

On straight sites (PlentyOfFish and Yahoo) when not self-identifying as poly I could draw responses easily. But that felt dishonest so I very quickly backed off the contacts, killed my profiles, and came to OkCupid and posted as poly.

Now it's quite hard to get a response.

Mono women in the age bracket I'm searching (45 - 60) are definitely NOT interested in somebody who needs multiple relationships. They do NOT respond to messages from me, despite the fact that I wax poetic about honesty and feelings, post pictures of my seriously cute dog, and am demonstrably not out-of-shape and flabby (although my face leaves something to be desired beauty-wise).

So yes, I mostly look only for women who self-identify as poly. In my geographical area, though, there are only a small handful who are active on OKC or on PolyMatchmaker.

It would be discouraging if I wasn't so happy with my life!

Last edited by EugenePoet; 03-20-2010 at 03:20 AM.
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Old 03-18-2010, 09:16 AM
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geminigirl geminigirl is offline
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"Anyone else have this happen to them? I just find it strange."

Yeah, I have. A cynical person would say they want sex. :P

The reflective person in me says you're embodying a fantasy they wish they could participate in but don't have the courage or desire to enact. I used to spend a lot of time online talking to fetishists who had the same issue ("my wife doesn't understand.. you're wonderful and open.. but I'd never leave her, though..")

My advice is to take it as a compliment to your attractiveness as a sexually aware and liberated woman, to politely decline, and to move on. There are a lot of wonderful poly men out there who'll love you for who you are instead of who they idealize you to be.

Last edited by geminigirl; 03-18-2010 at 09:19 AM.
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  #10  
Old 03-18-2010, 01:27 PM
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Yeah, I have. A cynical person would say they want sex. :P

There are a lot of wonderful poly men out there who'll love you for who you are instead of who they idealize you to be.



Agreed!
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