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Old 05-01-2012, 03:00 AM
PassionFlower PassionFlower is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Vancouver
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Default I think I'm poly--what if I leave my marriage and find out I'm not?

I'm new here, but not new to the ideas of polyamory. I've been thinking and reading about and talking with my husband about polyamory for the past 3 years. He is definitely monogamous, and only wants to be with me. We've been married 11 years and have three children ages 6, 4, and 2.

He loves me, I know he really loves me. We have worked through a lot of issues in the last few years, and he's changed a lot of things that were making life really hard for me (mostly to do with trying to control how I spend money and my time).

I grew up in a very conservative Christian family, planned that I would get married, have kids, stay home with my family, be happy ever after. Instead I have allowed myself to realize I am bisexual and that I want more than one person, and more than one man. I have been very honest with my husband, and it's been hard. We tried having threesomes, it was a nightmare.

Last year I had a one night stand with two guys after I got very drunk. I told my husband two days later. It was after that that we had the threesomes. Since then, it has become clear to me that there is no way polyamory will work in the context of my marriage. I cannot convince my husband to be polyamorous or to let me be polyamorous.

So I have broken all the rules of both monogamy and polyamory and had a few affairs since January. This has verified that there are other people who are interested in me and who I connect with, but does not really answer the question of whether I can actually live the poly life and whether it's actually right for me. I think what I want is to find a stable partner who I can be poly with, but I honestly don't know how much jealousy I'll have, and I don't know if I'll find someone who can know me as well and love me as much as my husband does.

The affair that I'm having right now is with a man (who is also married and his partner doesn't know--let the judgement begin), and while I love him it's becoming obvious that he is not nearly as willing to care for and support me as I am for him. It's making me wonder if perhaps what I have in my marriage is better than leaving and finding out that everyone is pretty much selfish and that real love and care is quite rare-I don't know if it is.

So what I'm wondering is, has anyone left a monogamous marriage, thinking they were poly, but not having the experience to know for sure? How has that turned out? Have you found stable, loving relationships? Does anyone wish they had stayed in their original marriage?

I know that other people's lives don't offer any guarantee for mine, but I need some support. I've been thinking of leaving for a long time, but each time it seems I am on my way out, my husband's love seems to hold me here. Thanks.
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Old 05-01-2012, 03:46 AM
carguy carguy is offline
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 5

It sounds to me like there are other issues other than your husband not allowing you to have relationships that he knows of. It's great that your husband loves you, but you never said what you're getting out of the relationship or that you love him. If you're not in love with him, are you having these affairs to make up for what you're missing in the marriage? Personally I would rather have my spouse want to end a relationship (even if I love them) rather than have them cheat on me continuously.
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Old 05-01-2012, 06:39 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Location: The Big Apple
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It sounds like you are in pain and keeping a lot of chaos in your life as a way to avoid that pain. I think that, before you make any radical life-altering decisions about your marriage, you need to get into therapy and build your self-esteem, as well as to start unraveling why you feel the need to cheat, and why your relationship with your husband has devolved in such a way. A caring but objective third party can guide you in making better choices that do not hurt yourself and the ones you love.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Old 05-01-2012, 11:20 AM
polyq4 polyq4 is offline
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 106

I think you need to leave the relationship. You have broken the basic premise of a loving relationship whether it be poly or mono , namely trust. You are not happy in the relationship you have said as much. You find your husband controlling. Although he has been working on that . The only way your relationship is going to survive is if you are brutally honest with your husband, but of course if you are it is just as likely to dis-integrate.

I think we all have to be happy with ourselves, no matter how hard we try in a relationship if we are not happy with ourself we won't be happy with the rest.

And I know that some people here will flame me for saying this, but you have tried to leave numerous times and this is an indicator that you are ready to go. I would rather have a separated husband who is still a friend then one where it becomes a total fight after.
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Old 05-01-2012, 04:19 PM
dingedheart dingedheart is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,501

I know one person who regrets her decision or choices very very much. Daily I'm told. So yes it happens and not just poly vs mono ...but in lots of divorces and break up. Grass being greener on the other side only to find out it's actually worse.

But if you've wanted out for a long time....and keep acting in ways which would be destructive ( drunken tag team, recent affair ) to the relationship why not just rip the band aid off and get it over with. This seems like you want to push him to leave you.
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Old 05-01-2012, 04:33 PM
mostlyclueless mostlyclueless is offline
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 70

I am not an expert and have plenty of my own problems, but what you describe here does not sound like polyamory at all.

You mention your kids in the first sentence and then the rest of the post is about you and your feelings. What you do in your marriage affects your kids. You need to put them first. Whether that means staying with your husband or not is not something we can tell you. Get counseling.
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Old 05-01-2012, 05:19 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,467

I agree with the others, here. The way you are describing your marriage it sounds like it is broken. I think your priority right now should be to get that sorted out as two individuals, and to set yourself up with your life the way you want it, and THEN work on future relationships, rather than trying to decide whether you want to "trade up" while you're in your current relationship.

MOST poly folk who aren't interested in cheating more than likely wouldn't even consider you relationship material until you have got your marriage sorted out (either fixed or ended), because they don't want the drama of being around during a marriage break-up. Also, it adds a whole new set of distractions to the things you and your husband need to get done.

It sounds like from what you wrote that you feel like you have to be with someone, and that being on your own isn't an option - why do you feel that way?

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb
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Old 05-01-2012, 06:08 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by PassionFlower View Post
The affair that I'm having right now is with a man (who is also married and his partner doesn't know--let the judgement begin), and while I love him it's becoming obvious that he is not nearly as willing to care for and support me as I am for him.
So your affairs are to find a replacement for your husband that will care for and support you? You complain about your husband being controlling, yet you are looking for someone else to take care of you. Learn how to SUPPORT AND CARE FOR YOURSELF! You would be amazed at how much better you feel about yourself when you learn how to be self sufficient.

So I have broken all the rules of both monogamy and polyamory and had a few affairs since January. This has verified that there are other people who are interested in me and who I connect with
This is a VERY sad statement. That only through your affairs did you realize that people can be interested in you. Please, please, please seek the help of a therapist.
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Old 05-20-2014, 07:37 PM
ajokey ajokey is offline
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Posts: 2
Default Poly - Leaving the Marriage

Did you stay or go? How are things now?
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Old 05-21-2014, 03:35 AM
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graviton graviton is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Michigan
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wow two year old post resurrection from the dead
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affairs, cheat, cheaters, cheating

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