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Old 04-25-2012, 12:18 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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Default Learning to be me

After many months of posting here in moments of confusion and frustration, and getting such wonderful advice and support, I'm now in a place where I would like to write about my life but I don't have pressing questions to ask. Time for a story.

Chapter One: As a single woman, I had a bad habit of falling in love when I was already involved with someone else. Or having a boyfriend and a close male friend, close enough to make the boyfriend uncomfortable. Once, two sexual partners, neither of whom was in love with me so they didn't mind. When I met my husband, at least one friend cautioned me to respect the relationship and not cheat or dump him for someone else.

Chapter Two: I married a virgin from India in 1999. Well, he wasn't a virgin once I got my hands on him, but he had no previous relationship experience; not even a kiss. He built me a dream life, complete with a luxurious house, two brilliant daughters, and just about anything I ever ask for.

Chapter Three: My long time friendship with L, a man parents' age who I have known since before I met my husband, took a sharp turn towards romantic love. We had been flirting for our whole friendship, but all of a sudden I wanted way way more. My earliest threads on this forum delve into my journey into honesty with my husband, and trying to find the right path. We settled on limiting the expression of our love to words and kisses, which sometimes have been achingly insufficient.

Chapter Four: I met C (a year ago now) and felt an immediate bond. We corresponded by email almost daily. I was confined to bed with a long term illness, he was traveling, and lives several hours away. He'd come by about once a month. We have gradually fallen in love. My husband has struggled with this a lot. Between this and my illness, all the weak points in our relationship came to light. I felt like L and C were filling gaps (affection, passion) and I knew that wasn't a good reason to be involved with them.

Chapter Five: My marriage was turned inside out and upside down while we talked this all through. We got weaker. We got stronger. He asked me to stop kissing them. Then he decided to draw the line only at oral and penetrative sex. (That much intimacy felt weird in my friendship with L, so I decided not to do it again.) Then he said anyone I am intimate with is forbidden from coming to our house or being around our kids, so I stopped with C too. Then he said just to not be intimate in our house or expect him to socialize with them. So C and I are intimate again.

Chapter Six: It all feels pretty good now. L and my husband are on good terms, with just a hint of awkwardness. C is head over heels for me right now, which sometimes makes me nervous and usually makes me extremely happy. We are trying to live in the moment, because his long term goal is a monogamous partner who can join him on his frequent travels, and of course have sex with him, so I know this won't go on indefinitely. My marriage feels good, but I know it needs continually feeding (expressions of love and affection) for my husband not to feel like I am short changing him.

Today's milestone is finally talking out loud about this to a friend. I was gradually piecing together that this friend is polyamorous, so I asked him about it today. He told me his story, and listened to mine, and I feel really good for having someone who knows me who can understand what is going on (besides those involved, of course). He said he and his wife haven't told very many people in their various social circles, so I suspect he enjoyed having someone to talk about it with too.

C is coming to town tonight, so I'll spend tomorrow with him while the kids are at school. We have noble intentions of spending less than half the time in his hotel room. Life is pretty fulfilling, and I also feeling like I am finally healing from my long illness (ironically, an inflammation of the lining of my heart). No complaints here! And lots and lots of gratitude for the good people here who helped me figure out who I am and gave me the courage to live honestly.
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Old 04-26-2012, 02:16 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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I had a nice date with C today, and he brought up the possibility of buying a house or condo in my city. He has a rural home 5 hours away, and also has a house in a town two hours away where he lived for many years, and I am on the path between. He travels around a whole lot. (He's retired and wealthy).

I told him I was concerned about him making a big decision like that while still feeling so head over heels in our relationship. He gave a pretty convincing argument that this is something he's been drawn to for a long time. I live in a sizable city with a lot of opportunities for several of his hobbies, and he has gotten to know many people here in our dance community. He has money to invest, and real estate here is a pretty good investment right now. He's sure he wouldn't be doing this for me. Maybe I have just hastened him on the path.

Admittedly I'm pretty excited by the idea. Most of our relationship has consisted of very condensed moments together with one eye constantly on the clock, either because I need to get back to my family or he needs to get back on the road to wherever his destination is. If he could come and spend several days at a time in my city, we could enjoy more leisurely times together and also cross paths more often at dances. On the other hand, I'd have to work harder at making sure our relationship didn't take away from my time with my kids and husband. I feel a little guilty for spending the day with him today, while my husband worked. It's a balancing act!
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Old 05-01-2012, 02:29 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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What a great weekend! Last New Year's Eve dance was a disaster, a catalyst for a whole bunch of drama between my husband and me, centering around my treatment of him vs. my treatment of C and other men. This weekend all three of us attended a local "camp" involving dancing all day and evening Friday through Sunday, and I was a little concerned about the potential for more drama.

First, I got very clear with my husband about expectations: how much we would dance together, which dances we were promising each other, etc. I then erred on the side of caution and sought him out for some dances we hadn't promised.

Then, of course C knew that we needed to keep things discreet between us (we have lots of mutual friends in the dance community, and we know if anything was suspected between us anyone would assume it was an affair). He was so discreet I had to point out that since we hug a whole lot of our dance friends, it's probably ok to hug each other.

The kind of dancing we do is very interactive -not just with your partner but with the other partners in the room. (My husband says it's a kind of dance for poly people; he prefers the waltz!) Consequently there were a couple of moments of the weekend I especially savor -one in which I had my husband holding one hand and C holding my other, and another in which I was in the arms of one of them while the other was with another woman, and then they broke away to take hands and whirl around each other, trading partners. This is all choreographed so they weren't seeking each other out at all, but I still loved seeing that interaction as they traded off being with me. In real life my husband doesn't like to encounter C any more than necessary.

I was giddy all weekend. My husband benefited from that each night, and this morning I got a little time alone with C to express all the affection we were holding back all weekend. Oh my I am in love!

In the back of my mind is this nagging thought that I am partly just in love with this lifestyle, of having both a husband and a boyfriend. I do of course love each of them for their minds, their hearts, their personalities, and mmm their bodies, but I think part of what makes me feel so wonderful is just this getting to have two loves. I think I've always wanted it, but only realized I wanted it a couple of years ago, and have only really had it in a (relatively) comfortable, settled way for the past couple of months.

I am so, so happy. I just can't even believe how happy I am.
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Old 05-01-2012, 02:32 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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I think it sounds wonderful! Being in love with two people and in love with love!
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Old 05-01-2012, 07:12 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Hey, as long as you genuinely love the people you're with, which you clearly do, loving your lifestyle too is a beautiful thing!! I'm so happy at how far things have come for you all.
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Old 05-03-2012, 06:16 AM
AnotherConfused AnotherConfused is offline
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L came into town tonight, and he, my husband and I all went dancing together. I walked up the street linking arms between the two of them, feeling smug as a bug. It makes me happy to see the way the two of them respect and admire each other.

L and I have always enjoyed talking about sex, so when he first arrived today and no one else was home, our conversation heated up pretty fast. We're very careful to limit our actions (just hugs and kisses) but we can get carried away with our words. He knows I have long had a fantasy of being in bed with two men, and I talked about how even just having two clothed men giving me a massage would be fantastic, if no one felt comfortable getting naked and sexy together. And I said I'd have no problem letting that massage go as far as they wanted it to. Well, we've just said our good nights after a nice clean chat around the dining room table. I guess my fantasies will remain fantasies. Oh well.
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